Collage 001               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hi, Folks!

Clearing out the "aero" humor.
Hope you guys find this stuff amusing ...
If not, blame John. :-)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM:

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist:  you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump
anyway.

Optimist:  you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer:  you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor:  you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive:  you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service:  you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer:  you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

Scientist:  you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
on how well it worked.

Mathematician:  you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
will work in all cases.

Philosopher:  you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major:  you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four
languages.

Computer Science:  you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.

Economics:  you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis:  you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a
person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art:  you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard
and not expect handouts.

Democrat:  you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the
parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian:  after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
parachute, you take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association:  you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot:  you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist:  you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh):  you get inside the parachute and refuse to
come out.

Sports Fan:  you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.

Ross Perot:  you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to
learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General:  you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but
she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when
his wife said:

	"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told
you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross
traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the
middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower:	Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Std:	"What should I do?  What should I do?"
Inst:	"What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std:	"Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst:	"That's a good idea."

(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower:	Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std:	"What should I do?  What should I do?"
Inst:   "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std:	"Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst:   "That's a good idea."
Std:	Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower:	Roger XXX, hold your position.  Deer on runawy NN cleared for
	immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower:	Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake
	turbulence, departing deer.

It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night
freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a
shotgun standing next to his rig.

Santa asked him why he was there.  The man replied, "I'm from the
FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right
seat."

Santa responded, "With all due respect, sir, I've been doing this
flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go."

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA
inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap,
with his finger on the trigger.  Santa asked, "What's the shotgun
for?"

To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on
takeoff..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an
Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
rough landing provided today by our first officer".

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it,
the Captain did an even worse one.
The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing
"Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that
rough landing provided today by our Captain".

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say
that for?".  The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months
back? I owed it to you!".

"But I never keyed the mike!" responded the Captain.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

	"The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:"

	1.  Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.

	2.  Join our frequent near-miss program.

	3.  Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

	4.  Noisy engines?  We'll turn 'em off!

	5.  Complimentary champagne in free-fall.

	6.  Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

	7.  The kids will love our inflatable slides.

	8.  You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!

	9.  Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

	10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!

	11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

	12. Bring a bathing suit.

	13. So that's what these buttons do!

	14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.

	15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower:  American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
                 If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway
                 101 back to the airport.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

(Heard on the radio - _really_)

   Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

   Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you have
            the airfield in sight?!?!!"

   Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
            the fuel truck is."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air carrier
operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers
could watch the pilot land the plane.  On one flight, the FE decided to
have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume;
more specifically, just the left arm.  When the plane came in to land, the
camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on.  Since from the
position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm,
whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed
was a hairy arm!  So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey
(or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of
the controls!!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR
flight in Germany.  It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding)
AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument
pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like
this:

Cont:  "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.  You have a UH-1
three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot:  "Rogo', Frankfurt.  We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later):  "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot:  "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont:  "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
C-130 is?"

Cont:  "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"

12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tower:  "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."

Solo Student Pilot: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

Tower:  "Aircraft, GO AROUND"

Student:  "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

Tower: (Screaming)  "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"

Student: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to
where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and
continues on to the taxiway.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

JUSTICE PREVAILS
Finally, you'll recall
Apple once had a computer code-named
"Carl Sagan." When the Cosmos guy
heard about this, rather than being flat-
tered he demanded they change the
code name, which they did, to "BHA."
When Sagan learned that BHA stood
for Butt-Head Astronomer, he sued
Apple for libel.
 Well, Judge J. Baird of the U.S.
District Court for Central California has
thrown out the case, writing in his opin-
ion, "One does not seriously attack the
expertise of a scientist using the unde-
fined phrase 'butt-head'."
 Ah, the old undefined phrase trick.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

M     M        DDDD                          ll  ll
MM   MM        D   D                          l   l
M M M M        D   D                          l   l
M  M  M  ccc   D   D  ooo  n nn  n nn   eee   l   l
M     M c      D   D o   o nn  n nn  n e   e  l   l
M     M c      D   D o   o n   n n   n eeeee  l   l
M     M c      D   D o   o n   n n   n e      l   l
M     M  ccc   DDDD   ooo  n   n n   n  eee  lll lll

DDDD                    ll
D   D                    l
D   D                    l   aaa
D   D  ooo  u   u  ggg   l      a   ssss
D   D o   o u   u g   g  l   aa a  s
D   D o   o u   u g   g  l  a  aa   sss
D   D o   o u  uu g  gg  l  a   a      s
DDDD   ooo   uu u  gg g lll  aaa a ssss
                     g
                  ggg

 AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

     Important! Important! Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr.  _Mrs.  _Ms.  _Miss  _Lt.  _Gen.  _Comrade  _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

  _F-14 Tomcat   _F-15 Eagle  _F-16 Falcon  _F-117A Stealth  _Classified

3. Date of purchase:  Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package

_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your

decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase
in the near future:

Product                     Own     Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Hunter-Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization?  Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation               You     Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest               You     Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?  Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

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