Collage 002               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hi, Folks!

Attached is the latest collection of Internet gems.
(Still clearing out the aero humor--I'll get to the other
material in the next mailing.)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower:  American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
                 If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway
                 101 back to the airport.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

1) (Heard on the radio - _really_)
   Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
   Tower:  "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you have
            the airfield in sight?!?!!"
   Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
            the fuel truck is."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air
carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so
that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane.  On one
flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and
purchased part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the
left arm.  When the plane came in to land, the camera was turned on,
and the FE had his gorilla arm on.  Since from the position of the
camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm, whenever he
went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed was a
hairy arm!  So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey
(or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some
of the controls!!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an
IFR flight in Germany.  It seems a "good ol' boy" American
(Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very
crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The
conversation went something like this:

Cont:  "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R.  You have a
UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot:  "Rogo', Frankfurt.  We're bringing this big bird back to
one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later):  "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots
now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot:  "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110
knots"

Cont:  "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic
now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of
this here C-130 is?"

Cont:  "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"
12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Tower:  "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."

Solo Student Pilot: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

Tower:  "Aircraft, GO AROUND"

Student:  "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

Tower: (Screaming)  "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"

Student: "Roger"  (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to
where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and
continues on to the taxiway.

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