Collage 004 H u m o u r N e t 1994 Hello, there, Information-Highway speedsters! Once again, a collection of info-hiway roadside litter (this one includes an augmented "Kirk vs. Picard" posting) ... Enjoy! - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator HumourNet@telephonet.com P.S.--The last two items might be repeats for some of you. Apologies, if so. ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: KIRK VS. PICARD: THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES ---------------------------------------------------------------- There has been a lot of discussion on the net about who is better, Picard or Kirk. The Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade has composed a rebuttal list to the original list which started the discussion. ---------------------------------------------------------------- >Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than > Captain Picard > By Hemi and the Farkmaster Top One Hundred Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk By the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade ------------------------------------------------- > 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. Picard is a lover, not a fighter. > 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. > 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. Sex with Picard is worth waiting for a whole season. > 97. One Word: Hair. One word: sex appeal (OK, two words). > 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG. Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave! > 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;-> > 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all. > 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the > consequences!! Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see #69). > 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. Kirk obviously has a bladder problem. > 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile (and nothing else). > 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge. > 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll. Two words: Picard Maneuver Two more words: Well endowed > 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch. Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk. > 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew -- and they're all beauties!" > 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother asking him to sing. > 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. Kirk drives his *own* stick shift. ;> Picard can ride a horse! :-) > 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale > population. Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population. > 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?" > 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults. > 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the > Federation. Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him. > 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively > healthy. Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations. > 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. Kirk *was* low performance technology... > 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a > tactical advantage. Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date. Kirk doesn't have the acting skill. > 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off > --even around those pesky Yeomans. Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off --even around those pesky Cardassians. > 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like > Dixon Hill. Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk. Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be at his beck and call. > 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut. > 74. One Word: Velour. Three words: Stretch velour jhodphurs > 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess. > 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took > to climbing rocks. Spock shoulda let him fall. > 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly > freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the > flagship Enterprise. Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it. > 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again. > 69. One Word: Iman One word: Kamala > 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants). > 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and > shit down its neck. Picard has better things to do with his time. > 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover a sensible solution." > 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him. > 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. Kirk just leaves the room to bawl. > 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old > janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. > 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms > 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. Kirk never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender. > 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose. > 59. Kirk is not politically correct. That's o.k., Kirk's not correct on much else, either. > 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy > body named after a letter of the alphabet. Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales. > 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood > Forest. Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason. > 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would > likely be dead. Picard can reason with Klingons. > 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How > about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do than run the transporter. > 54. One Word: Miniskirts. Two words: Bicycle shorts ;-> > 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. Kirk's girlfriends only look good in soft light. > 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red > shirts. Picard takes responsibility for his actions. > 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like > the trombone. Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a harp. > 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell. > 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be > roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF." Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to. > 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food. > 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan. Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him > 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like > Tiberius is. Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or awe-inspiring. > 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. Is that what you call a blow job? > 44. Picard never met Joan Collins. Picard has much better luck. > 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy. > 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably > millions. Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control. > 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. Picard has cool touch padds -- not some clickety-click buttons. > 40. Two Words: Line Delivery. Two Words: Over Acting Two words: Rescue 911 > 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing > grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay > in Iowa to put himself through school. Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a dessert fork. > 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations. > 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium > nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his > enemies. (Need we say more?) We know all McGyver-isms are full of shit. > 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. Kirk would have sex with *anything*. Picard was never put off by intelligence. > 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying. > 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said. > 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks > Spock only. Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one. > 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! ;) > 31. One Word: Fisticuffs. One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... ;) > 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. Picard's name is respected throughout the universe. > 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show. Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon. > 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"... ;> > 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. Picard's eulogies make women swoon. > 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them > for resources. Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit... > 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods. > 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can! > 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem. > 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they > met Kirk. Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk. > 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige. Polyester and Formica don't come in that color. > 20. Two Words: Crane Shots. Two Words: Butt shots. > 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into > playing it. Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is a human strength, not to be belittled. > 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even > really cute things, like Tribbles. Cats *like* Picard. Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't have sex with them. > 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's > really nice. Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is a cultural icon. > 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY. > 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL. Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function. > 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody > dares to call him "four eyes." Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything -- and nobody dares to call him baldy. > 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. Picard can infilitrate PSEB's collective bedrooms...easily. > 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could use a mirror. > 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When > Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over to kick some butt. > 10. Kirk never once, ever,wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana > hammock on shore leave. Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did. There *is* a God. > 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply > acting ensign. StarFleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew. > 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift. > 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it. When Picard sats "Boldy Go," all the women in the audience collapse in a smouldering heap of estrogen. When he says "Come," they do! > 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick Three Words: Take me now. ;-> Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear > 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. Wanna make a bet? The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him... BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't > even impressed. Neither was God. > 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets. > 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow one. Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode. > 1. One Word: Balls. One Word: Balls. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE AIRLINES....... DOS Air: All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera. Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie. Windows Airlines: The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning. OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer. Fly Windows NT: All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying. Unix Express: all passenger bring a piece of the airplane and a box of tools with them to the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, the passengers split into groups and build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there. Wings of OS/400: The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever flew, and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club. Then they cost $500, but your accounting department can call it overhead. MVS Air Lines: The passengers all gather in the hangar, watching hundreds of technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get through the hangar doors. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian, and it is all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the cooks British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss, and it is all being organised by the Italians. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= Subject: Physics breakthrough Scientists Discover New Element The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at the Yale Research Center. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons 175 vice- neutrons and 11 assistant vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused a reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight typically increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best-maintained buildings. Scientists point out that adminitratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions in areas where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= The Great GHz Grape Game This is really something for a rainy/snowy day, so long as you're equipped with the essentials. What you need is a microwave oven, some grapes, a small measure of sunflower oil and some friends with which to compete. The idea is thus. Firstly, if the microwave is of the type that has one of those silly rotating dish-like things, which rotates your food to make sure it gets cooked evenly, then TAKE IT OUT and THROW IT AWAY. You won't need it for this game and, if you get addicted enough, you probably won't use your microwave for anything else, so you won't need that dish thing ever again. OK, next, lightly cover the floor of the oven with a SMALL amount of sunflower oil. Just generally spread it around to make a thin, lubricating layer, on which a grape may skate about. Try it with a practice grape to make sure you've got it right. Then, line up a number of grapes at one side of the oven, with one grape corresponding to each player. Important tip here--MAKE SURE THAT THE END WITH THE HOLE IN IT IS POINTING AT THE WALL! This is really quite fundamentally important. Next, lay bets--or whatever--on your grape, that it will win/lose/finish in a particular position or state/whatever. Then, set the microwave to full power, and switch on. What happens is that the inside of the grape heats up, liquefies, and acts as a jet propellant to push the grape along the lubricated floor of the microwave as it shoots out the hole at the back. Thus, each grape travels with varying degrees of speed and/or success across the floor. The first to reach the other side of the oven is judged to be the winner, or, failing this, the one to travel the farthest. Some grapes don't make it even this far, and either shrivel up or explode messily on the starting line, but this just adds to the fun. Remember to switch off the microwave and remove the competitors before replacing them for the next round. The game can be varied according to players and their individual tastes, like "Stunt Grapes" where the grape must perform a task, like jumping over other grapes, etc. These, and other variations, should keep you and your friends amused for hours. ******************************************************************** Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. ******************************************************************** "HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information on Lyris, see . To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following command to : subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems, then either (1) send any message to for a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web interface at , or (3) send a *detailed* description of the problem to . 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