Collage 005               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hi, Kids!

Some more humorous tidbits have wandered across my electronic
desktop; I peeled off a few of the better ones to include in
this latest Information Superhumourway collage.

For those of you who are Mac-impaired, you might get a little
added guffaw out of the first item if you are aware of the following:
on the Mac, there is a crappy little piece of crash-happy software
called RamDoubler, which supposedly doubles the amount of RAM that
the operating system sees--without paging out to disk. Apparently,
RamDoubler's only *real* use is to ensure that Mac is shut off from
time to time--such times being at random and entirely without warning.
Since it is an extension, the Mac can be rebooted without loading
RamDoubler by holding the shift key down at boot time.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

DayDoubler is a new product from Connectrix that gives you those
extra hours in each day that we've been asking for. Using
sophisticated time mapping and compression techniques to double
the number of hours in the day, DayDoubler gives you access to 48
hours each day. With the shareware hack MaxDay, you can easily
stretch your day to 60, 72, or even 96 hours! Connectrix warns
that at the higher numbers DayDoubler becomes less stable and that
you run the risk of a temporal crash in which everything from the
beginning of time to the present would come crashing down around
you, sucking you into a black hole.

Should this occur, be sure to reboot with the shift key down.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

...fresh out of the new issue of Wired magazine (supposedly)

Q:  How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light
    bulb?

A:  Four hundred and seventy two.
    One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle,
    one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb,
    one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
    ......

Q:  How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change
    a light bulb?

A:  A call to WP's Help Desk revealed the following answer: "We have an
    exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine.
    Can you tell me what kind of system you have?  OK.  Now, exactly how
    dark is it?  OK, there could be four or five things wrong...  have
    you tried the light switch?"

Q:  How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light
    bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as
    supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q:  How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the
    problem.

Q:  How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light
    bulb?

A:  Three.  Two holding the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into
    the faucet.

Q:  How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem
    and has assigned you request service number 39,712.  Please use
    this number for any future references to this light-bulb issue.

Q:  How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  You're still thinking procedurally.  A properly designed light
    bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light
    bulb class, so all you would have to do is send a
    light-bulb-change message.

Q:  How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  The light bulb works fine on the system in my office...

Q:  How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a
    light bulb?

A:  We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but
    if you call before 2 pm, and pay an extra $15, we can get the
    bulb changed overnight.

Q:  How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light
    bulb?

A:  None.  Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new
    industry standard.

Q:  How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?

A:  It depends on how many burnt out light bulbs he brought with
    him.

Q:  How many Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Foux!  there to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

Q:  How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a
    light bulb?

A:  Eight.  One to work the light bulb, and seven to make sure
    Microsoft gets US$2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere
    in the world.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The top ten signs you're at a bad Star Trek convention:

10) More cotton than lycra

9) It's being held in the parking lot of a 7-11

8) Dorks with "Moe" haircuts keep wandering in from the "three stooges"
convention.

7) When you count the fake "spock ears" in the room, you come up with an
odd number

6) So-called Starship Enterprise looks a lot like an RV wrapped in paper
mache

5) The hookers all look like Klingons with wonderbras

4) Ben and Jerry's unveils a weird tasting new flavor called "Roddenberry"

3) Somebody pulled the legs off of hamsters and is selling them as "tribbles"

2) You keep running into a guy with an unzipped fly who wants to show you
"the captain's log"

And the number one sign you're at a bad trek convention:

1) Someone yells "beam me up, skippy"

(the above is uncomfirmed "Letterman" )

------------------------------------------------------

Top ten Trek 'April Fools Jokes' :

10) Substitute Dilithium Crystals for Folger's Crystals

9) Treat "Hallmark" ornaments as serious collectibles

8) Use Data's head as a hood ornament

7) Switch out Riker and Picard for Beavis and Butthead, "To boldly go for
Klingons around Uranus"

6) Xerox side-by-side photos of Picard's head and combine them to look
like a butt

5) Put banana peels on the transporter pads

4) Put a bumper sticker on the Enterprise that says, "Pepsi, the choice
of the Next Generation"

3) Convince somebody that to serve aboard the Enterprise, you must first
Join the Navy

2) Ask the computer to replay old "In Search of..." episodes until you
come across the one where all the "red shirts" who were supposedly killed
got sent to another dimension

And the top April fools Joke:

1) Substitute William Shatner's hairpiece for a killer tribble that eats
his brain

-----------------------------
Top ten names for Red-Shirt security personnel:

10) Ensign Lifeless

9) Ensign Deadmeat

8) Ensign Goner

7) Ensign Target

6) Ensign Oops

5) Ensign Sayourprayers

4) Ensign Sacrificialamb

3) Ensign Creaturebait

2) Ensign Bigandunabletomove

And the number one name is:

1) Ensign Toast

------------------------------
Top ten reasons it's great to be a Borg:

10) It's better than a fraternity

9) 5 year rust protection guarantee

8) You can now tap a keg by simply extending your arm

7) Home dental work now a breeze

6) Nasty morning breath no longer a problem

5) Sex with ordinary jumper cables

4) Spiffy Swiss Army knife where that clumsy left thumb used to be

3) Internal circuitry picks up all those great AM oldies stations

2) Plenty of great real estate opportunities

And now the number one reason it's great to be a Borg:

1) Blondes have the same fun

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

         *********** If Lawyers Wrote Proverbs ***********

A mineral matter various composition, when engaged in periodical
revolutions, exhibits no tendency to accumulate any bryophytes of the
class Musci.

The pursuit and capture of certain winged arthropods of the order Diptera
is more easily affected with the viscid fluid derived from the saccharine
section of a plant and produced by hymenopterous insects than with dilute
and impure acetic acid.

Seeking a suitable place for dormant quiescence during the first part of
the crepuscular period and forsaking such place during the first part of
the matinal period results in myriad human benefits, including salutary
existence, affluence and sagacity.

It has been observed that an enclosing barrier for the purpose of
discouraging and preventing intrusion upon that which it encloses tends to
enhance the amicability of those whose property abuts said barrier.

A plentitude of gourmand-satiating scullions tend to obviatge, obstruct,
undermine and otherwise boggle the mulligatawny.

The positive appeal of a visual object depends no so much upon the
objective standards against which object is measured, nor upon the image
said object records upon the optic nerve, as id does upon the cerebral
interpretation of the image by that individual who observes said object.

From deliberative investigation it has come to our attention that certain
Aves, if expeditious and precocious, will invariable apprehend a slender,
soft-bodied bilateral invertebrate.

Experience has demonstrated that the total aggregate of corporeal
substances that may emanate transplendency do not necessarily represent an
embodiment of precious metallic ochre.

Bubbles of gas rising from a liquid contained in certain vessels of
magirology to the surface of said liquid is a phenonomenon not witnessed
by those who subject such vessels to searching scrutiny.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

    ****** Why Motorcycles are Better Than Women ******
                 (From the Spacenet archives)

Your motorcycle doesn't get upset when you forget its birthday.
You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.
You can choke your motorcycle.
Your motorcycle doesn't get mad when you ignore it for a month or so.
Motorcycles don't get jealous if you come home with grease under your
  fingernails.
Motorcycles don't snore.
Your motorcycle won't wake you up at 3:00 AM and ask you if you love it.
Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.
You don't have to pay child support / alimony to an ex-motorcycle.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to
  apologize before you can ride it again.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get
  better parts.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss
  politics to correct it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
It's always OK to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you
  have ridden.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you
  have.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or
  if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to
  pay for them, you don't get them.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same
  time.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't
  get sore.
You can ride a Motorcycle any time of the month.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very
  well.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your
  Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a
  motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register
  your Motorcycle.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle
  when the old one is REALLY worn.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other
  Motorcycles.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle
  after you dump it.
Only a few women will let you take them for a ride on
  another woman as a way of getting them warmed up.
Wearing two fresh rubbers makes riding a bike MORE enjoyable.
The rashes you get from motorcycles go away without those
  painful IM Penicillin shots.
One gets in no trouble for storing disassembled pieces of
  the motorcycle in the basement.
Disassembling the motorcycle is done out of pleasure rather
  than need.
Motorcycles always sound pleasant.
Unlike women, FAT motorcycles arent cheap dates.
Motorcycles don't care what you're wearing when you take them out.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

          DONNY OSMOND ADMITS TO SEXUAL EXCESSES!!

DONNY OSMOND has revealed that he enjoyed secret sex sessions
with groupies - at the age of 14.  During the height of his fame
in the 1970s Osmond kept a big black book listing phones numbers
of favourite conquests all over the world.
  Millions of young fans believed THE OSMONDS were wholesome
Mormons - but now Donny has blown their cover.
  The boys used to choose girls from concert crowds for raunchy
romps.
  Donny, now 36, recalls, "When I was 14 and performing in Las
Vegas, I'd spot a girl in the audience and sneak her up to my
room to make out."

  How can he live with himself?

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