Collage 007               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hi, kids!

More info superhighway roadside humor.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

These are actual announcements taken from church bulletins around the
country;  they came to the church I work at from TCMR Communications,
Grapevine TX.

Enjoy!

Russ Whaley (rwhaley@<deleted>), Dir. Group Ministries
Grace United Methodist Church, Sioux City IA

           --------------------------------------

-- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends
of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

-- Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk, please come early.

-- Wednesday, the ladies Auxiliary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will
sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the pastor.

-- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club.
All those wishing to become little mothers please meet the minister in
his study.

-- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.

-- On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense
of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet,
come forward and get a piece of paper.

-- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

-- A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement.
Music will follow.

-- Sign outside a Canadian church: "Sermon for Sunday: What is Hell
like?" Just below was the message: "Come in and hear our choir sing."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software
giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified
number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it
will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major
world religion.

With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill
Gates.

"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic
Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
range of people."

Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.
"You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce
your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language
which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
are away from your computer.

An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,
watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
to 700 sites worldwide.

Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided
Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff
challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.

"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea
-- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use
it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a
computer on every desktop and in every home".

Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
implementations," said Gates.

The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according
to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as
other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly
competitive religious market.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"If Reality impedes your performance, try resetting your
reality_buffer to a higher value ... "

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And now for more Pentium humour ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

*   Pentium - Close Enough For Government Work!

*   Intel, Where Quality Is Job 0.9999987324

*   "Intel Inside? Don't Divide!"

*   The Pentium should be renamed The Rabbit;
    it can multiply but not divide.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

I was watching _2001: A Space Oddessy_ with my robot friends, and at the
part where the astronaut is disabling HAL and HAL says "two plus two is . .
approximately 4.101010101010" one of them said "Hey! HAL's got Intel
Inside!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

No wonder HAL had a personality problem - his mother was a Pentium !

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

 I think Motorola should embark on a new advertising campaign based on
 FDIVgate:

 Picture: some schnook sitting in the hotseat in front of an IRS auditor.

 Caption: Our chips get the math right...Motorola.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide!
        Scientists cried,
        fit to be tied,
        and numbers fried.

"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide!!
        Pi's pied
        when FDIV died
        and accuracy denied.

"Intel Inside?"
        Can't divide?!!
        See "Thalidomide".
        (Taken for a ride.)

Intel lied.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

It's a chip called "Intel Inside",
It rebels when asked to divide.
Do we get Intel support,
When the math comes up short?
Or does Intel just wait to be fried?

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