Collage 009               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Okay, it's me again, with some more roadside trivia from the info
superhumourway. Some of these might be repeats for some of you,
so please accept my apologies in advance as you scroll past them.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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The following excerpts are from an English translation of Umberto Eco's
back-page column, "La bustina di Minerva," in the Italian news weekly
"Espresso," September 30, 1993.

...."Insufficient consideration has been given to the new underground
religious war which is modifying the modern world.  It's an old idea of
mine, but I find that whenever I tell people about it they immediately
agree with me.

"The fact is that the world is divided between users of the Macintosh
computer and users of MS-DOS compatible computers.  I am firmly of the
opinion that the Macintosh is Catholic and that DOS is Protestant.
Indeed, the Macintosh is counter-reformist and has been influenced by the
'ratio studiorum' of the Jesuits.  It is cheerful, friendly,
conciliatory, it tells the faithful how they must proceed step by step to
reach--if not the Kingdom of Heaven--the moment in which their document
is printed.  It is catechistic:  the essence of revelation is dealt with
via simple formulae and sumptuous icons.  Everyone has a right to salvation.

"DOS is Protestant, or even Calvinistic.  It allows free interpretation of
scripture, demands difficult personal decisions, imposes a subtle
hermeneutics upon the user, and takes for granted the idea that not all
can reach salvation.  To make the system work you need to interpret the
program yourself:  a long way from the baroque community of revellers,
the user is closed within the loneliness of his own inner torment.

"You may object that, with the passage to Windows, the DOS universe has
come to resemble more closely the counter-reformist tolerance of the
Macintosh.  It's true:  Windows represents an Anglican-style schism, big
ceremonies in the cathedral, but there is always the possibility of a
return to DOS to change things in accordance with bizarre decisions; when
it comes down to it, you can decide to allow women and gays to be
ministers if you want to.....

"And machine code, which lies beneath both systems (or environments, if
you prefer)?  Ah, that is to do with the Old Testament, and is talmudic
and cabalistic..."

And UNIX is islamic, mach (NeXtStep) shinto??

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

RISC is Reduced Instruction Set Computing, so what does CISC stand for?
Collossal Instruction Set Computing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Actual conversation between a Mac-illiterate and a PC-illiterate:

Q: "Can viruses infect Macintosh computers, also?"
A: "Yes, they can, but at least they all have the same look and feel."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

From: remallin@<deleted> (Richard Mallinson)
Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy, alt.alien.visitors, sci.math, alt.politics.org.nsa
Subject: The Grays' involvement in cryptography and national security
Date: 25 Jan 1994 07:05:10 GMT
Summary: How the NSA has got help from extraterrtestrials

One thing that the NSA will not reveal is the magnitude of their
advancement in theoretical mathematics and cryptography.  It is
estimated that the NSA is about 200 years ahead of the rest of the world
in mathematical theory.  This not only allows them to break any code
devised outside of the NSA, but to devise codes which cannot be broken.

A tiny part of this advancement is due to an intensive mathematics
research program commenced in the 1960s.  Fermat's Last Theorem was
proven conclusively in 1964, but only those in the NSA know of it.  Some
2,000 theorems and lemmas, all numbered and classified, have arisen.  At
least a dozen branches of theoretical mathematics such as flag theory,
superspace theory, interstice theory, match theory and quantum logic
have been developed, and yet not only has the outside world never heard
of them, but the NSA has been deliberately inserting disinformation into
textbooks, research papers, et cetera to keep everybody else off the
trail.

Most of this advancement has been achieved with outside help.  In 1973,
during the Nixon Administration, the NSA hooked up fith the Jason
Society, the top-secret body that liaises with the extraterrestrial
beings known as the Grays.  This gave them an immediate infusion of
mathematical theory, as the grays have developed mathematics to a level
which we cannot completely comprehend.  In return, the grays were given
two more bases in New Mexico and a 15% increase in the number of people
that they may abduct per year for analysis and extraction of vital
fluids.

The Grays have renegged on their abduction quota agreement, and are
abducting many more people than before.  Most of these are returned,
after being implanted with a device which allows the grays to have total
control over their thoughts and actions.  Approximately 40% of Americans
now carry one of these devices, which are impossible to remove without
killing the host.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man devoid of religion is like a horse without a bridle.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Origin unknown (Molly Ivins mentions this in one of her books)

Representative Tim Moor sponsored a resolution in the Texas House of
Representatives in Austin, Texas calling on the House to commend
Albert de Salvo for his unselfish service to ``his country, his state
and his community.''

The resolution stated that ``this compassionate gentleman's dedication
and devotion to his work has enabled the weak and the lonely
throughout the nation to achieve and maintain a new degree of concern
for their future.  He has been officially recognized by the state of
Massachusetts for his noted activities and unconventional techniques
involving population control and applied psychology.''

The resolution was passed unanimously.

Representative Moore then revealed that he had only tabled the motion
to show how the legislature passes bills and resolutions often without
reading them or understanding what they say.  Albert de Salvo was the
Boston Strangler.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Las Vegas, Nevada--The police say a man robbed a bank here and then
casually doled out $100 bills to stunned bystanders, cheerfully urging
them to ``have a nice day.''

Officers arrested Ronald M.  Chroniak, 46, on Friday shortly after the
robbery of a Bank of America branch, the authorities said.  When they
found him, he was handing out money, they say.

It all started when a man walked into the bank around noon and handed
a teller a note demanding money.  After receiving an undisclosed
amount, he strolled out and, the police say, began sharing the booty.

Alexander McNair said he was eating lunch in the bank courtyard when a
man walked up and handed him a $100 bill.

``Where'd you get the money, man?'' Mr.  McNair asked as he stared at
the slightly crumpled bill.  Mr.  McNair said the man told him:  ``I
just robbed the bank.  Have a nice day.''

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Nike has a television commercial for hiking shoes that was shot in
Kenya using Samburu tribesmen.

The camera closes in on the one tribesman who speaks, in native Maa.
As he speaks, the Nike slogan ``Just do it'' appears on the screen.

Lee Cronk, an anthropologist at the University of Cincinnati, says the
Kenyan is really saying, ``I don't want these.  Give me big shoes.''
Says Nike's Elizabeth Dolan, ``We thought nobody in America would know
what he said.''

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

October, 1993--Europa Times

``We will not have him put down.  Lucky is basically a damn good guide
dog,'' Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters.
``He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's
all.''

Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd
guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of
all four of his previous owners.  ``I admit it's not an impressive
record on paper.  He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the
second off the end of a pier.  He actually pushed his third owner off
a railway platform just as the Cologne to Frankfurt express was
approaching and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before
abandoning him and running away to safety.  But, apart from epileptic
fits, he has a lovely temperament.  And guide dogs are difficult to
train these days.''

Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record,
Gerber replied:  ``No.  It would make them nervous, and would make
Lucky nervous.  And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do
something silly.''

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

from Unusual Election Archives:  The Library of Congress

The Oklahoma Supreme Court in December 1990 upheld the landslide
victory by incumbent Frank Ogden III (91 percent) over Josh Evans.
Evans had run on a campaign of being an ``able lawyer and a living
person,'' which he thought gave him an advantage over Ogden, who had
died three months before the election.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Kaleida Labs, Bagels in the Workplace Policy
Date Issued:  March 17, 1993

Principle

Kaleida is dedicated to maintaing a safe environment for its employees
while conveying a proper image of acceptable business behavior
externally.  The workplace should enrich employees, and provide an
enjoyable atomsphere on a daily basis.  Based on this premise, Kaleida
is recommending that the following guidelines with respect to the use
of bagels be implemented and followed.

Policy

This policy is applicable to all Kaleida staff, including standard
employees, limited duration employees, temporary employees,
independent contractors and consultants.  Any employee that violates
this policy will be subject to disciplinary action and/or termination
of employment, depending on the degree of violation.

   Kaleida employees are expected to work without being under the
influence of bagels.
   Bagels should not be served at business meetings, interviews, or
department celebrations held at a time
   when employees are expected to resume work afterward.
   Kaleida employees are required to conduct themselves in a manner
that does not pose a risk to their safety
   or the safety of others.  This is particularly important in making
intelligent decisions about the operation of
   motor vehicles and other potentially hazardous mechanized
equipment.
   Employees or guests must not engage in any bagels-related
activities which might convey an improper business image of Kaleida's
operations.
   All Kaleida employees that engage in the consumption of bagels must
be at least 21 years of age.

Consuming bagels during business and social engagements is a personal
decision that should be based on common sense and the existing
circumstances.

At times, Kaleida employees may be required to visit customers,
clients and vendors at other locations.  These contacts might have
their own policies regarding drugs, bagels and/or searches.  Kaleida
employees are expected to comply with these policies as is appropriate
to the situation, and be able to maintain high-level performance of
their job.  Failure to adhere to these practices may result in
disciplinary action, and/or termination of employment.

Kaleida Events

Kaleida recognizes the benefit of social gatherings and celebrations
which sometimes include the opportunity to consume bagels.  These
events might be bagel socials, conferences, meetings, dinners and
parties on and off-site.  The focus of these events should not be
bagels, although it may be provided for those who choose to
participate inconsuming responsibly.

Managers of the department sponsoring the event or a senior executive
should decide whether or not it would be approriate to serve bagels.
All Kaleida events that elect to serve bagels should have a designated
host who is of manager level or above.

   Employees who feel that they have had too much to eat should
request assistance from a friend, fellow employee or event host.  This
is essential when determining one's ability to operate a motor
vehicle.
   Employees that observe other Kaleida employees exhibiting behavior
associated with excessive consumption of bagels should notify the
designated host of that event.

Responsibilities of the Designated Host

   Limit the choices and quantity of bagels served.
   Provide an ample supply of non-bagel like entities.
   Monitor the consumption of bagels by Kaleida employees as well as
guests.  Individuals who are determined to have indigestion will not
be served under any circumstances.
   Provide and arrange for transportation and overnight accommodations
(at Kaleida's expense, if necessary) for individuals that are
determined to be inbagelated and/or in need of assistance.
   Secure unopened bagels to the extent that they are not removed from
the location of the sponsored event.  A locked supply room is
appropriate for the storage of bagels.
   Dispose of leftover bagels that are in open containers following
the event.
   Remain on the premises throughout the duration of the event, up to
and until all employees and guests have left.
   Post necessary notices at the event which inform employees of the
procedures required with regard to the consumption of bagels.

Responsibilities of Managers

Managers are responsible for understanding and implementing this
policy.  It is essential that managers take responsibilty for
informing Kaleida employees of the existing policies on events that
include the consumption of bagels.  Successful events will be
characterized by your participation in the following ways:

   Set an example by eating responsibly.
   Assist the designated host in his/her responsibilities.
   Offer assistance in enforcing this policy.
   Report suspected violations of this policy to the Department
Manager and/or to the Human Resources Manager.
   Refer Kaleida employees to the Human Resources Manager for
appropriate information and counseling referral.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

October 7, 1993--Associated Press
GUNS IN THE HOME FOUND TO INCREASE RISK OF DEATH.

People who keep guns at home nearly triple their chances of being
murdered, usually by friends or relatives, but fail to protect
themselves from intruders...  However, Paul Blackman, research
coordinator at the National Rifle Association, criticized the study...
``These people were highly susceptible to homicide,'' he said.
``We know that because they were killed.''

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A Vapid Death    ...gives new meaning to the term ``he got beaned''...
March 25, 1993

Terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas.  There was no mark on
his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his
system.  His diet had consisted of beans (they said what kind;  I
forgot) cabbage (and a couple other things).  It was just the right
combination of foods.

It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the
poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed.  The ME said, had he
been outside or had his windows opened it wouldn't have been fatal but
the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom.  He was ``...a big
man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas].'' Three of
the rescue workers got sick and one was hospitalized.

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