Collage 010               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Happy Holidays, Internetters!

The following two pieces are quite timely (and pretty amusing, too).
And the Teri Smith Tyler piece begs that timeless question, "What the
hell is the world coming to, anyway?" All answers (including guesses)
are humbly appreciated.

Merry Surfing!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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Subject: Did you ever stop to do the calculations?

                       Q: Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January 1990), I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly.  BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer--which only
Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total--378
million according to Population Reference Bureau.  At an average (census)
rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes.  One
presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west (which would seem logical).  This works out to 822.6 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good
children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh,
jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up
the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the
purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about
.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not
counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31
hours, plus feeding, etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000
times the speed of sound.  For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey
27.4 miles per second--a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set
(2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa,
who is invariably described as overweight.  On land, conventional
reindeer can pull no more that 300 pounds.  Even granting that "flying
reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we
cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.  We need 214,000 reindeer.
This increases the payload--not even counting the weight of the sleigh--
to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight
of the Queen Elizabeth. (The ship--not the monarch...)

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance--this will heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.  The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy.  Per second.  Each.  In
short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second.  Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
17,500.06 times greater than gravity.  A 250-pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
pounds of force.

And I'll bet you guys thought being Santa Claus was a piece of cake.

-------------

Editor's note: The tacit conclusion implied by this series of
calculations has recently been called into question, as it has
come to our attention that the math was performed on a Pentium.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

		 THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS:
		What REALLY Went Down That Year

December 14th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

--------------------------------------

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two
turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They
are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

------------------

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but
I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

---------

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

---------------------

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One
for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John,
all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

------------------

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I
can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

----------------

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those f**king birds???? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house
and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep
all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY! Stop with the f**king birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

----------------

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight
maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit
all over the lawn and I can't get into my own house. Just lay off me.
SMART ASS.

Ag

----------------

December 22nd

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing.
And Christ--do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since
they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping
all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I
going to do? The neighbors have started a petetion to evict me. You'll
get yours.

>From Ag

----------------

December 23rd

You Rotten Prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing--I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on
you.

One who means it, Ag

--------------------

December 24th

Listen F**Khead:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy
with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They were trampled to
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

--------------------------------------

December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Banger)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes
McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence
should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions
to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a
warrant for your arrest and our bill.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
And, speaking of lawyers ...
(this one was accidentally left off the previous mailing)
========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Conspiracy

A recent federal court decision, in the District Court for the Southern
District of New York (reported on Westlaw), 1993 WL 454256.

Teri Smith Tyler, Plaintiff,
v.
James Carter, William Clinton, Ross Perot, American Cyanamid, Iron Mountain
Security Corporation, Defense Intelligence Agency, IBM, David Rockerfeller
[sic], Rockerfeller [sic] Fund, BCCI, NASA, Defendants.

No. 92 Civ. 8658 (CSH)
Nov. 5, 1993

BACKGROUND

Plaintiff Teri Smith Tyler, appearing pro se, filed a complaint in
December 1992 alleging a bizarre conspiracy involving the defendants to
enslave and oppress certain segments of our society.  Plaintiff contends
she is a cyborg, and that she received most of the information which
forms the basis for her complaint, through ``proteus,'' which I read to
be come silent, telepathic form of communication.  ...  She asserts that
the defendants are involved in the ``Iron Mountain Plan,'' which
provides for the reinstitutionalization of slavery and ``bloodsports''
(which she identifies as death-hunting and witchhunting), and the
oppression of political dissidents, herself included.  Plaintiff's
complaint alleged a number of personal indignities visited upon her by
defendants:  ``strafing of my dormitory room by planes and helicopters,
the electronic bugging of my student rooms and apartments, deliberate
noise harassment, blasting of loud rock music with lyrics designed for
witch-hunts (music about social pariahs) ...  students following me
around to prevent me from studying, whispering campaigns and social
ostrification ...'' ...  Plaintiff also makes the following allegations
against the defendants.  Former President Jimmy Carter was the secret
head of the Ku Klux Klan;  Bill Clinton is the biological son of Jimmy
Carter;  President Clinton and Ross Perot have made fortunes in the
death-hunting industry, and are responsible for the murder of at least
10 million black women in concentration camps, their bodies sold for
meat and their skin turned into leather products.  The defendants are
also responsible for breeding farms, which turn out 2,000 black girls a
year, who are then sold for recreational murder or as human pets.
Additionally, the defendants utilize weather control and earthquake
technology to threaten other countries that object to the Iron Mountain
Plan.

Plaintiff asks the Court to grant her the following relief:

 1.  $5.6 billion in compensatory and punitive damages;
 2.  A physical accounting of all black women born since 1940, including
their present, whereabouts, and for those who have died, an investigation
into how they died;
 3.  The purchase of land in Africa for the emigration of abused black
women;
 4.  The bringing to justice of those responsible for the American
holocaust;
 5.  An investigation into the foster care system, and a physical
accounting of all black children placed into foster care;
 6.  An end to slavery in the United States;
 7.  The end of the cyborg program run by NASA, the Defense Intelligence
Agency, American Cyanamid and IBM;
 8.  An end to the organ donor program

While plaintiff was trying to effect proper service of the summons and
complaint on the defendants, she made a number of appeals to the Court
for interim relief in the form of Orders to Show Cause.  On January 20,
1993, she asked the Court to enjoin the inauguration of President
Clinton.  The Court denied her request as moot.  In August, 1993, she
moved to enjoin the installation of Louis Freeh as Director of the FBI
on the ground that Clinton appointed Freeh only so Freeh could cover up
evidence of Clinton's wrongdoing.  That motion was denied, as it lacked
a sufficient evidentiary basis.

Presently before the Court is an Order to Show Cause why the Court
should not enjoin the trial in the World Trade Center bombing case, now
proceeding in this Court before Judge Duffy.  Plaintiff alleges that
President Clinton ordered the bombing of the World Trade Center in order
to justify war with Iraq.  In support of her application, plaintiff
describes certain ``proteus'' communications she had with other
individuals.  Plaintiff alleges that the United States invaded Panama
and arrested General Noriega because Noriega objected to United States
soldiers raiding Indian tribes in Central America for child sex slaves
to torture in American cocaine based thrill-killing rackets.  Plaintiff
contends she wrote to Noriega asking him to join in her lawsuit, but
that United States soldiers holding Noriega beat him when he asked for
his mail.

Plaintiff asserts that in 1988, Rajiv Ghandi spoke to her through
``proteus'' and informed her that he was being held prisoner and
sexually abused by a man whom he had caught stealing from the funds
generated by the Bhopal disaster settlement.  According to plaintiff,
Yasser Arafat tried to confirm Ghandi's tale of abuse on behalf of the
plaintiff, to no avail.

Plaintiff additionally contends that Gulf War against Iraq was
undertaken so that American could restock its sexual slavery camps,
which had been depleted.  40,000 Iraqi soldiers captured by the United
States, selected for their physical attractiveness, have been brought to
this country where they were ``being beaten, forced to run gauntlets and
homosexually gang-raped by American soldiers.'' Plaintiff claims to have
confronted Secretary of Defense Cheney with evidence of this allegation.
Cheney, through ``proteus,'' purportedly told the plaintiff, ``Well, we
were so sick and tiered of killing black girls.  We just had to put some
variety back into our death-hunting industry.  And they [Persians] are
incredibly beautiful.  The beauty of the face heightens the pleasure of
the kill.  I know of no higher pleasure than the gang-rape of
exceedingly beautiful people.''

Additionally, the plaintiff alleges that the Serbian government, the
``Nazi Bund,'' the Bank of Commerce and Credit International (``BCCI'')
are also involved in the conspiracy.

Attached to plaintiff's papers, and apparently offered to support her
claim, is a number of exhibits.  Most prominent among the exhibits is a
book by Robert Ellis Smith entitled ``Privacy:  How To Protect What's
Left Of It'' (1979), and a four-page illustrated pamphlet advertising
pornographic movies starring young men.  Plaintiff has circled a number
of photos of naked men who appear to be of Mediterranean or Latin
American descent, which I interpret as her evidence that Iraqi and
Central American men are enslaved in pornographic ``rackets'' ...

The Court's Memorandum and Order goes on to explain why the Court is
ordering the case dismissed ``sua sponte'' (meaning of the Court's own
volition, without prompting by the defendants):  because the plaintiff
is barking mad and must not be allowed to waste public time and
resources in this way.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

INTEL: Where "a little" really *can* mean "a lot"!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Perhaps Intel should issue a logo, similar to the "Intel Inside" logo,
for those who have "Intel Certified Important" jobs.  People would be
proud to display that logo on their office doors, I'm sure.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Have you heard about the politically-correct computer virus? It insists
you refer to it as a "electronically-based micro-organism."

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