Collage 012               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hello, again, CyberPunks!

Yet another collage of random humorrhoids (not to be confused
with hemorrhoids--those can at least be fixed with surgery)
from the depths of cyberspace. I recommend that you put down
any hot beverages before reading the first and last entries
in this collection (my shirt still hasn't come back from the
dry cleaners).

BTW, a big, holiday-size thank you to those people who have sent
me contributions. And for those of you just lurking the mailing
list ... well, "hi there."

Happy Humorrhing!  (What a festive thought ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
-----------------------------------------------

 1. He had only one major publication.
 2. It was in Hebrew.
 3. It had no references.
 4. It was not published in a refereed journal.
 5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
 6. It may be true that He created the world--
    but what has he done since?
 7. His cooperative efforts have been limited.
 8. The scientific community has a hard time
    replicating His results.
 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for
    permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to
    cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, he
    deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, and told students to
    just read the Book.
13. Some say He had His Son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most
    students failed His test.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually
    held on a mountaintop.

      - author unknown

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

                     How To Handle Stress

1. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
2. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
3. When someone says, "Have A Nice Day", tell them you have
   other plans.
4. Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put  your  toddler's clothes on him/her backwards and send
   him/her to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
8. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms
   with Roman Numerals.
9. Tattoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead.
10. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them
    from high places.
11. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear
    on the natives.
12. Buy a subscription to sleezoid weekly and send it to
    your boss's wife.
13. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
14. Drive to work in reverse.
15. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode
    of "The Flintstones" during an important finance meeting.
16. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
17. Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
18. Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it
    out.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it
    comes back to you.
22. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
23. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
24. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
25. Lie on your back, eat celery, using your navel as a salt
    dipper.
26. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend
    they're in jail.
27. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
28. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in
    its wrapper.
29. Jam minature marshmallows up your noze and see how many you can
    sneeze out at once.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

by Harry Lipkin
Weizmann Institute, Rehovot, Israel

Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you
have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get
gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have
time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Line in a miscellaneous cyberpunk's signature block:

"Through the concentrator, off the router, over the SMDS backbone ...
nothing but net!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

According to one of our newer "HumourNet" list members,
Kenny Rogers once said:

     You got to know when to code'm
     Know when to modem
     Know when to SAVE to disk
     Know when to RUN
     You'd better BACK UP your DATA
     Before the system crashes
     There'll be time enough for Vid games
     When the work is done.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

         "Walkin' Round In Women's Underwear"
    (to be sung to "Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland")

Lacy things - the wife is missin',
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes ,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" We'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress - like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

Lacy things ... Missin',
Didn't ask ... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear,
Walkin' round in women's underwear!

From the album "I am Santa Claus"
by Bob Rivers and Twisted Radio

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