Collage 013               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hello again, CyberPunks (and CyberBabes),

The Christmas stuff has been just pouring in (many
thanks to Nancy, this issue's major contributor, and
also to the nice folks from SpaceNet--the humour and
trivia mailing list of the 21st century). And the way
things are going, I'm pretty sure that this won't be
the last mailing of the season, either.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

P.S.--Screw the hungry kids and the furry bunnies,
here's some stuff we can *really* laugh at.
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

     POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS - Bah Hum Bug

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Gods Rest Ye, Unitarians" (UU Version)

Gods rest ye, Unitarians, let nothing you dismay;
Remember there's no evidence there was a Christmas Day;
When Christ was born is just not known, no matter what they say,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

Our current Christmas Customs come from Persia and from Greece,
From solstice celebrations of the ancient Middle East.
This whole darn Christmas spiel is just another pagan feast,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact.

There was no star of Bethlehem, there was no angels' song;
There could not have been wise men for the trip would take too long.
The stories in the Bible are historically wrong,
O, Tidings of reason and fact, reason and fact,
Glad tidings of reason and fact!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================
             The Net Before Christmas
                      by
         Jim Trudeau & Jay Trudeau (1991)
        With apologies to Clement C. Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the nets
Not a mousie was stirring, not even the pets.
The floppies were stacked by the modem with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The files were nestled all snug in a folder
The screen saver turned on, the weather was colder.

And leaving the keyboard along with my mouse
I turned from the screen to the rest of the house.
When up from the drive there arose such a clatter
I turned to the screen to see what was the matter.
Away to the mouse I flew like a flash,
Zoomed open a window in fear of a crash...

The glow from the screen on the keyboard below
Gave an electronic luster to all my macros.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a little sleigh icon with eight tiny reindeer
And a tiny disk driver so SCSI and quick
I knew in a nano it must be Saint Nick.

More rapid than trackballs his cursors they came,
He whistled and shouted and faxed them by name.
"Now Flasher! Now Dasher! Now Raster and Bixel!
On Phosphor! On Photon! On Baudrate and Pixel!
To the top of the stack. To the top of the heap."
Then each little reindeer made a soft beep.

As data that before the wild electrons fly,
When they meet with a node, mount to the drive,
So up to the screentop the cursors they flew
With a sleigh full of disks and databits, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard the high whine
Of a modem connecting at a baud rate so fine.

As I gazed at the screen with a puzzling frown
St. Nicholas logged on though I thought I was down.
He was dressed all in bytes from header to footer
And the words on the screen said "Don't you reboot 'er."
A bundle of bits he had flung on his back
And he looked like a programmer starting his hack.

His eyes how they glazed, his hair was so scary,
His cola was jolt, not flavored with cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a GIF
And the pixels of his beard sure gave me a lift.
The stump of a routine he held tight in his code
And I knew he had made it past the last node.

He spoke not a word but looked right at me
And I saw in a flash his file was .SEA.
He self-decompressed and I watched him unfold,
Into a jolly old elf, a sight to behold.
And the whispering sound of my hard drive's head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He went straight to his work without saying a word
And filled all the folders of this happy nerd.
And 'tis the whole truth, as the story is told,
That giving a nod up the window he scrolled,
He sprang to the serial port as if truly on fire
And away they all flew down the thin copper wire.

But I heard him exclaim as he scrolled out of sight
"Happy Christmas to All, and to all a good night."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

And now, from someone with way too much time on his hands ...

.      .           \|/ .                   .                    .        .
  .      .    .   - * -   .        .            .          .                .
 .  .      .    .  /|\        .         .           .            .     .
   .     .    .     .        .   .         .             .         .  .     .
   .  .     . ^    . Vv   Vv   Vv   Vv       .         .     .       .  .    .
.   .      x  O      o,   o,   o,   o,       .      .    .      .         .
.        /(_){-}+--===--===--===--===    .        .          .      .  ~~~~
  .      \=====/   > >  > >  > >  > >      .           .  .    .     .  ~~~
.     .     .       .         .                 .           .     .     . ~~ .
    .    .       .        .          .   .           .         .     .     ~~~
.          .   .       .        .        .        .          .      .   /\  ~~
 .     .           .    ^    .    .   ^       .         .      .     . /  \ ||
                       /|\           /|\                              / [] \||
#### ^ ############ ## /|\ ##  ##### /|\ #####################       /      ||
##  /|\ ########## ^  #####   ^    ################################ / []  []  \
#   /|\ ######### /|\####### /|\ ####   #### ^ ####  #############  |         |
## #### ## ^   #  /|\ ###### /|\ #### ^ ### /|\ #  ^  ##########    |  _   _  |
########  /|\ ###################### /|\ ## /|\ # /|\ ##        +===| [_] [_] |
#######   /|\  ####################  /|\ #######  /|\           +---|         |
###############################################################################

         Season's Greetings      and       A Happy New Year!

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