Collage 014               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hey, CyberSurfers, it's finally here! Collage #14 (with Collage
#15 already in the pipeline).

Thanks once again to Nancy and to the SpaceNet crew for the
contributions.

Happy Holidays!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

The following message was posted to a listserver, regarding the
recent "Good Times" virus hoax on the Internet:

The "Good Times" virus should be taken seriously, because "it
didn't just erase my HD, it also got an entire bookshelf of
floppy disks that was nearby."

The next response was someone saying the virus infected two of
his CD-ROMs.

Someone on the list took both comments seriously.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

              WORLD NEWS TODAY   NOV 30 1994  127052
Intel Corp. Reorganizes Line of Popular Pentium Processors

Santa Clara, CA

Today Intel Corporation announced the reorganization of its popular
Pentium line of desktop computer processors.  The Pentium products
will now carry a designation that will identify them as either `U',
`G', or `D' types.  All of the processors will have the same list
price, Intel executives revealed, but the Pentium-U will have the
level of functionality which Intel scientists and engineers have
determined is necessary for users of college undergraduate level or
below.  The Pentium-G (for "Graduate") will incorporate some
additional functionality that Intel scientists have conceded is
necessary for problems at the graduate college level.  The
spokesperson for Intel said that customers would only be able to
purchase the Pentium-U off the shelf, but that users who could
document that they were currently enrolled, or the graduate of an
Intel-certified graduate program could receive the Pentium-G as a
replacement.  Likewise, the Pentium-D (Doctorate) adds the
functionality which Intel has deemed appropriate for users at the
doctoral level or above, and is available to customers who can show
that they have completed one of the many Intel-certified doctoral
degree programs.

Not part of this announcement, but under consideration, is a future
expansion of the designations announced today, both at the high end
of functionality (Pentium-D) and at the low (Pentium-U).  The
additional low-end unit is tentatively identified as the Pentium-AI
(Average Idiot), and is referred to by an in-house code name as
"Bubba".  An Intel representative said that they were considering
the AI designation "largely to make the college kids feel more
important."  "But", he quickly added, "there is a real problem out
there with Joe average customer have many times more operations
available then he really needs."  At the high end, the Pentium-CE
(Certified Egghead) could be available for people who pass Intel's
grueling, and stringently controlled Egghead Certification Program.
"The Pentium-CE and the CE Program are still being developed." the
Intel spokesman said, "But I believe that what is envisioned is a
battery of written and oral examinations that would take place here
at our headquarters over a period of some weeks."  "After that", he
continued, "the candidate will probably be required to submit a
piece of original research which could only have been done with a
Pentium-CE equipped computer."  When asked how the candidates were
supposed to do this without having a Pentium-CE processor the Intel
spokesperson paused a moment before replying "We're still working
these things out."

Intel believes that this reorganization of the Pentium line will go
a long way toward addressing what they see as a widespread and
insidious problem of waste and inefficiency in modern computer
technology that, until their announcement today, has largely gone
unnoticed.  An Intel scientist pointed out that the average computer
user barely uses a fraction of his or her computer's capabilities
during the lifetime of the machine.  "The amount of unused,
underused, and otherwise wasted computing power out there is
staggering." he said. "When you consider a modern microprocessor
like the Pentium", he continued, "and you take into account the vast
number of combinations of data arguments, instructions, and
addresses that there are, you can begin to realize the horrible
waste and shame it is that a given computer user will only use -",
"- or need", his colleague quickly interjected, "-or need", he
agreed, "less than a tiny fraction of them."  He went on to say that
they expect the new Pentium line to do much to alleviate this
problem.  "It's not a perfect system," he said, "but it the best
that we can do right now."  He then went on to describe in broad
terms a long range Intel research project that would enable
potential customers to have their brains scanned before they
purchase a computer so that a processor capable of only the
operations which they truly needed and would use could be provided.
"But unfortunately," he said, "that's still a long way off."

Also attending the announcement today and participating in the
discussion afterwards, were several Intel mathematicians who were
introduced as working on "the problem of the vast amount of unused
real and complex numbers".  Their stated mission is to find a way to
pare down these number systems to reduce the "staggering quantity"
of rarely used numbers.  As one mathematician said in describing his
work, "Most people don't realize that we could eliminate 99.9999% of
all of the real numbers tomorrow and the average person would not
run into any problem for several billion years."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand
Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers
in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,
published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are
some of my favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of
the word:

Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember
    his first name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair
    and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
    your first name!

Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.

Q.  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?

Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q.  What is your name?
A.  Ernestine McDowell.
Q.  And what is your marital status?
A.  Fair.

Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.

Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children
    by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide?
A.  Four times.

Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?

Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the
    influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can
    identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.

Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.  No.
Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.  Picking them up in the air.
Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
A.  Attached to the ears.

Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and
    were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on
    her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning
    you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection.  That question should be taken out and shot.

Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?
    What school do you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was
    a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
   indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you
   observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and
   put on top of my head.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
   defendant
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
   [CENSORED]- and she did!

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder
   trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,
   objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: (Showing the man a picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

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