Collage 015               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hello, AGAIN, CyberSurfers!

The Information SuperHumorway has been pretty busy recently ...
There's more stuff coming in than I can reasonably fit into
a single mailing. This one's pretty full, and Collage #16 is
already in the making! Many thanks to Sandor and JD for some
of the pieces in this issue.

Keep the stuff coming in!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

	Top 10 Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid
		(From David Letterman)

10. Letter to North Pole comes back stamped "Dream On, Chester!"
 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for Shipping and
    Handling
 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
    peanuts
 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed
 5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list
 4. Sends him off on one of those Carnival cruises with Kathy Lee
 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and
    I'll put the hurt on ya."
 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read, "Straight From Craptown"
 1. Four words: "Off my lap, tubby!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

		City of Los Angeles
	High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_____________________________      Gang:______________________

1. Johnny has an AK47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of
10 shots, and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8-ball to Jackson
for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay
for his $800/day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2-pound of heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100
for a 4x4. If he has stolen two BMWs and three 4x4s, how many
Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common-law wife is spending $100 per month, how much of
the hit money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many
years will he get for killing the bitch what spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet, and the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3
cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

		Rules For "Indoor Golf"

1. The player will furnish his own equipment for play--normally one
club and two balls.

2. Course to be played must be approved by the owner before play can
begin.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole
and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to inspect the stiffness of the shaft before
play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the size of the shaft,
to avoid damage.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary
until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so can result in
being denied permission to play the course again.

7. Players are cautioned to select the proper hole for play.

8. It is normally considered poor form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will
usually admire the entire course, with special attention to well-
formed bunkers. He should also ensure that the holed is properly
lubricated to aid in stroking. Additional lubricant may be added to
the club if necessary--preferably by the owner of the course.

9. Players are cautioned to not mention any other courses they have
played to the owner of the course being played at the time.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
properly scheduled, especially on a course being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to get irate if they
find someone else playing what they considered their private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all
times. Some owners may be embarrassed to admit that their courses
are temporarily under repair, and the player is advised to use tact
in determining the availability of a course for play. More advanced
players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

13. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best
player. It is considered poor form for a player to reveal his score
to other players, or even to reveal that he played the course.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Dear Ann Landers,

    I have a problem.  I have two brothers.  One brother is a
lawyer and the other was put to death in the electric chair for
murder.  My mother died from insanity when I was three years old.
My two sisters are prostitutes and my father has been arrested
for selling narcotics to high school students.  Recently, I met a
girl who was just released from a reformatory where she served
time for smothering her illegitimate child to death and I want to
marry her.
     My problem is this:  If I marry this girl, should I tell her
about my brother who is a lawyer?  - S.S.

Editor's Note:  This is supposedly from an actual newspaper
clipping.  The original version had an advertising exec instead
of a lawyer, but the person who provided this one felt that
"lawyer" just worked better.  -VS

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following piece is for Mac users; you PC types can skip over it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a Dogcow?

 I wish I had a nickel for every time I've heard this question--by now
I'd have enough money to buy a "Changing the world, one person at a
time" bumper sticker.  Dogcows, by their nature, are not all dog, nor
are they all cow, but they are a special genetic hybrid.  They are
rarely seen in the wild.  Since dogcows are two dimensional, they will
stand facing a viewer "on edge" to avoid being seen.

 The dogcow has no natural enemies, but the meager population manages
to keep itself in check through its own stupidity.  They have a nasty
tendency to graze off cliffs (in fact, there are no known
"cliff-dwelling dogcows" left in existence) and to get lost in the
weeds.  You've probably noticed that when you cut very high grass, you
tend to get a lot of "paper" in the grass clippings;  closer
examination would show that much of it is actually dogcow.  When a
mower approaches, dogcows often actually change their hide to resemble
newspaper as a final line of defense--hence the famous expression,
"black and white and read all over."

 But What Does This Have to do With the Macintosh?

 There is a life-size picture of a dogcow conveniently located in the
Finder.  Look under "Page Setup..." Now look under "Options." Walla
[sic], there is the dogcow in all it's raging glory.  Like any
talented dog, it can do flips.  Like any talented cow, it can do
precision bitmap alignment.  The reason that the dogcow can invert has
to do with the fact that it's genes have about as much order as the
crowd at a Sex Pistols concert.

 The dogcow has a name, and it's not Myria.  The dogcow's name is
Clarus.  Several people have said to me, "Mark, you handsome devil, I
think I've heard that name, or something similar, somewhere before." I
always tell them, "No, you're hallucinating again.  You never remember
anything." The dogcow's name is Clarus for the same reason you call a
table a "table." Make sure to note that Miss Manners says:

"Gentle Reader,

"You should only address a dogcow by name, and then only after it has
spoken to you.  Miss Manners would not consider 'Moof!' a term of
affection."

 Whether or not the animal in the Macintosh dialog is just a picture
of a dogcow or an actual dogcow has been widely debated, mostly by
people who were procrastinating getting their real work done.  I
personally would argue that it is just a picture, but I'm sure a large
sum of money could change my mind.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

LSD(1)              UNIX Programmer's Manual               LSD(1)

NAME
     lsd - turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream

SYNOPSIS
     lsd [ -dsS ] brandname user ...

DESCRIPTION
     Disturbs the given users according to dosage, set, and setting.
     If more than one user is specified, each will be affected by the
     others, according to the arguments they give to lsd on their
     own terminals or machines.  It is recommended that one of the users
     in a group specify a dose of 0, and that at least one other user be
     experienced in using lsd.

     Brandname is usually a blotter pattern, but may be used to specify
     a non-blotter form, such as "windowpane" or "pyramid."

     There are a number of options, each of which can have a strange and
     not completely predictable effect on the users:

     not completely predictable effect on the users:

     -d   Dosage.  A dosage of 1 to 3 is recommended for first time
          users, although strength varies with brandname and storage
          conditions.

     -s   Set.  Recommended values are "calm," "happy," and "groovy."
          Sets like "angry," "frustrated," and "bummed" may cause file
          system damage, and should be avoided.  For these sets, other
          utilities are available (see "valium").

     -S   Setting.  Recommended are "familiar," "interesting," and
          "comfortable."  Hostile and challenging settings are reserved
          for experienced users.

FILES
     /etc/trips is a log of system-wide use of lsd since booting.

BUGS
     When invoked with incorrect arguments, lsd will print out a random,
     Unixy-sounding error message and remove this man page.

     User state should return to normal in twelve hours or less after
     invoking lsd.  With extreme parameters, however, this cannot always
     be guaranteed.

     The output device is assumed to be 80 columns wide.

     I don't know where it came from originally, so Please Use Carefully!
     (Remember: Dosage, Set, and SETENV)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Resume:

 Buford Thurlow Johnson
 1734 Pennsylvania Avenue
 Washington D.C. 20012

 Employment Experience:

 Microprocessor Design Engineer, Intel Corporation, 6/90-11/94
 - designed floating point processors for 486, Pentium
 - handled public relations with computer industry trade publications

 Optics Engineer, National Aeronautical and Space Administration,
   Florida, 9/86-6/90
 - served on Hubble design team

 Materials Engineer, Morton Thiokol Corporation, Salt Lake, Utah,
    5/80-8/86
 - Directed the Environmental Stress Testing Team, Solid Rocket Division

 Control Room Safety Engineer, TriState Power, Harrisburg, PA, 8/72-5/79
 - directed control room operations at Three Mile Island power plant

 Lieutenant, Army National Guard, Kent State ROTC, 5/68-5/72

 Education:

 B.S. Engineering, Kent State University, May, 1972
 M.S. Computer Science, Penn State University, December, 1975
 Ph.D. Electrical Engineering, Penn State University, May, 1979

 Publications:

 1. Johnson, B., "A Computationally Efficient Algorithm for Floating Point
Division," IEEE Computer System Design, July, 1994.

 2. Johnson, B., "A Novel Algorithm for Computer Assisted Design of High
Performance Optical Collimators," Applied Optics, June, 1991.

 3. Johnson, B., "Non-Destructive Malleability Testing of Plastics in
Sub-Freezing Temperatures," Applied Physics, February, 1983.

 4. Lt. Johnson, B., "AR-1835: Army Crowd Control Training Manual,"
US Army Training and Doctrine Command, 1969.

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