Collage 016               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Two in one day! (A new record ... )

's me again, still riding the breakers along the Information
SuperBeachway. Hopefully, Intel's announcement this afternoon
to replace all Pentia w/o question will lay to rest the 80586
humor once and for all--but probably not. It might be getting
old, but in the interest of slamming an organization that has
proven its slammability, here is yet another installment of
Pentium humor.

BUT WAIT! You also get a Microsoft slam (apparently uSoft and
Intel went to the same school of public relations), and fore-
warning of approaching neutrons (start spreading that suntan
lotion, cybersurfers, the Busch Administration was right,
after all).

Have at it ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

NEW INTEL SLOGANS:

	"Intel inside? Don't divide!"

	"We give you the most megaflops."

NEW INTEL MOTTO

	"United we stand, divided we fall."

---------------------------------------------------

....... News Flash ........
(that used to be news eprom....)

There is no national debt!!!   The country's books have been kept on a
Pentium, and everything is really OK.

Details at 11, after Bill (that's Clinton, not Gates) gets Quicken
installed on the national Mac.

---------------------------------------------------

On the tee-shirt of an inline skater in Mountain View:

<Intel Inside logo>
"I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"

---------------------------------------------------

Q:  What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium?
A:  Repentium.

Q:  What does the element Pentium decay into?
A:  Inert silicon with the emission of a press release.

Q :  What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A1:  Successive approximations.
A2:  A random number generator.
A3:  Or a really expensive space heater.

Q: How do you use a Pentium machine so that you get correct calculations?
A: Steady your hands against it so you are not shaking your slide rule.

Q: What's the difference between Intel's executives and Richard Nixon?
A: Even Nixon had ethics once in a while.

---------------------------------------------------

The Politically-Correct Pentium Joke:

The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just
Precision-Impaired.

---------------------------------------------------

I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today...

---------------------------------------------------

"What's a few places of innacuracy? Who needed more than 3.14 anyway?"

---------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill being developed as a
replacement for RU-486???

Its called RU-Pentium.  It causes the embryo to not divide correctly.

But it is funnier if the new pill is called "Preventium."

---------------------------------------------------

How about a takeoff of Sony's slogan "My First Sony"--a sticker saying
"My Last Intel" that we can all put on our machines.

---------------------------------------------------

Secondary products resulting from the impact of excited Pentium
particles on stone walls include 'Resentium' and assorted Alpha
particles.

---------------------------------------------------

Pentium specification errata:

Addition       -> Ambition
Subtraction    -> Distraction
Multiplication -> Uglification
Division       -> Derision; i.e., LDIV -> LDER

Please update your manuals.

---------------------------------------------------

Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to:
  it can't do fractions either.

---------------------------------------------------

Something is for sure: Intel used a Pentium to calculate the
27000 years it takes to give an error.

---------------------------------------------------

PENTIUM = Practically Everyone Now Thinks It's Useless for Math
PENTIUM = Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect
          Understanding of Mathematics
PENTIUM = Processor Errors Numbering Thousands In Users Machines

INTEL = Incredibly Nonchalantly Telling Evil Lies
INTEL = I Never Test Enough Logic

---------------------------------------------------

You are at a remote research station.  If you had a choice between a bag
full of Pentium chips and a bag full of nacho chips, which would you
choose?

The nacho chips.  Both bags will give you heartburn, but at least the
nachos would help you survive.

---------------------------------------------------

Now that the Pentium has been "fixed", does that mean it cannot "multiply"?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This gem came from the MAC-L list MFWIC:
----------------------------------------

The Mac-L ROTFLOAO Award goes to the Microsloth PR weasel who said
this to explain why the ship date for Windoze 95 had slipped back
to next August:

(Are you sitting down?)

  (Microsoft) said it made this announcement "based on its continued
  commitment to deliver a vigorously tested product of the highest
  quality."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: NEBULOUS NEUTRONS NEAR [1]

		  Murray-Hill Mann and Fermi LaPorte
		    Eschatology Research Foundation
			  Fredonia, Illinois

Neutrons from the supernova of 1054 A.D.[2] are expected to arrive in
the vicinity of the solar system sometime next summer.  These
neutrons (mean energy ~82 MeV) originated when a small O-3 star
became involved in the well-known Alphonse-Gaston instability [3] and
was discombobulated.  In the process, approximately 27% of the star's
energy was converted into neutrons;  most of the remainder was
emitted as photons of various colors, leaving a crabby-looking mess
of gas.

The energy density in the neutron wave near the earth is expected to
be about 2.782 x 10^(6+/-13) potrzebies (pzz),[4] which can be
expected to result in significant disruption of systems on the
exposed hemisphere.  There will be an initial radiation spike of
about 10^7 pzz with a full width of 17 psec, followed by a slow
simmer at a rate of about 7 x 10^6 pzz/hour for several hours, and a
final KERPOW!  of two roughly equal pulses 30 ksec apart.

Prediction of the precise time of this happening is complicated by
uncertainties in the arrival of the photon pulse over 900 years ago.
There are two primary sources reliable enough to establish timing,
plues numerous vague references that are essetially worthless.[5] The
first originates from a rather nontechnical discussion of the night
sky in a love letter written by a Chinese courtier, which can be
dated by reference to a laundry list on the reverse side.  However,
there is a scholarly controversy regarding the phrase "Hwg thrwp
poo," which is said to refer either to the famous cherry festival in
Colby, Kansas, or to heavy starch on the cuffs [6].  The second
source was found in the annals of a Japanese monastery recently
excavated 40 miles south of Kobe,[7] part of an erotic interpolation
inserted by a bored secretary in a tedious geneology of a benefactor
family in which all members, regardless of sex, are alternately named
John and Martha.  It is debatable whether the apposite text refers to
John XXIII or Martha XLVII.  Consequently, it is not possible to
predict with any certainty which side of the earth will be toasted.

The neutron exposure will result in a severe disruption of telephone
and wireless communications systems--which will, however, be offset
by a corresponding lack of communicators.  Feasibility studies
concerned with restructuring (or perhaps structuring) the National
Command Authority are underway.  To spread the earth's population
more evenly, we are considering towing the Queen Mary from Long Beach
to Truk Atoll, perhaps taking Pasadena along.  A study to establish
underground banks of high-grade genetic material has not been
fruitful.  More interesting is a proposal to place icebergs into
synchronous satgellite orbits to shield designated national shrines,
such as the New York Public Library, the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown,
and the Mount Rushmore National Monument.[8]

- author unknown
  transcribed by Vince Sabio, HumourNet Moderator
___________

[1] Disavowed by the Defense Unclear Agency.
[2] "Aviation Week and Space Technology," Oct 22, 1056, pg. 32.
[3] G. Alphonse and A. Gaston, "Astrological Journal," 45 (1939).
[4] 1 potrzebie = 1 joule/m^2 = 6.25 x 10^8 MeV/cm^2.
[5] IEEE Trans. Nucl. Science, 1-20.
[6] See a brilliant but unconvincing discussion on this subject (in
Serbian verse) by Alois Klein-Nachttopf, Contes Rendues, "Croation Acad.
of Sci. 7" 32 (1917).
[7] C. Dawson, IEEE Trans. Captious Phenomena 14, 147 (1968).
[8] I.M. Cool Ice Company, proposal to Ford Foundation (1994).

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