Collage 017               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hello, again, HumourNetters!

It's finally here--the last humour collage (last one before Christmas,
that is).

Enjoy the jokes, and enjoy the holidays ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

More from the Estrogen Brigade? ...
"Dumb Men" Jokes

1.  What is the thinnest book in the world?
    * "What Men Know About Women"

2.  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    * One ... men will screw anything.

3.  How does a man take a bubble bath?
    * He eats beans for dinner.

4.  Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
    * Because they have no balls to scratch.

5.  What's a man's idea of foreplay?
    * A half hour of begging.

6.  How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
    * He's breathing.

7.  What's the difference between men and government bonds?
    * Bonds mature.

8.  Why are "dumb blonde" jokes so short?
    * So men can remember them.

9.  What do men and beer bottles have in common?
    * They are both empty from the neck up.

10. How can you tell if a man is happy?
    * Who cares?

11. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    * We don't know ... it never happens.

12. How are men and parking spots alike?
    * All the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

13. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
    * Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

14. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
    * E.T. phones home.

15. What did God say after he created man?
    * I can do better than this.

16. How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
    * We cook/they eat ... they dirty/we clean.

17. What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
    * Put the remote control between his toes.

18. How do men exercise at the beach?
    * The suck in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

19. What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
    * A six pack and a hot dog.

20. How can you tell if a man is lying?
    * His lips are moving.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveills you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So--you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

[Supposedly written for and sung at a US Department of
Justice, Office of Legal Counsel Christmas party during the
Carter administration.]

-- Eugene Volokh, UCLA Law

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Announcing a exciting new tool for data center management!

When was the last time you found a bazillion zero length files in /usr/tmp
and said to yourself "How did this crap get on my system?"

When was the last time you had to clean fifty megabytes of run-on puns out
of a user's news directory, and said to yourself, "What a load of crap"?

When was the last time you looked at a piece of mail and said to yourself
"This is the stupidist crap I've ever laid eyes on"?

Well, you're right, it is crap, and now you can do something about it.

Introducing the new Crap Detector daemon "crapd".

Crapd works similar to syslogd in monitoring system error messages,
but has the added function of removing offending files and utilities
from the system using complex heuristics to determine the file's "crap
quotient".  Sensitivity is settable anywhere from "merely inane" to
"gut-wrenching anal explosion" and can be set on a per-user basis.

Files that crapd has decided meets the above criteria are held in /usr/stool
for a user-settable period of time, and then flushed to /dev/dump.  Anything
crapd decides is true stinking diarrhea will be sent directly to /dev/dump
with no questions asked.

Crapd is especially useful for cleaning out mail spool directories, as
this has been proven to be one of the most prolific accumulators of crap
in the history of interactive computing.

There is, of course, a list of exceptions for crap you are required,
against your better judgement, to have on the system.  However, if
crapd decides the list is full of crap, it will be migrated to /usr/stool.

In scientific lab test, crapd has been shown to virtually eliminate
user distractions, increase system performance by 50% and reduce backup
volume by an order of magnitude.  Our customers report that capital equipment
expenditures have been reduced significantly now that they don't have to
keep disks spun up just to keep the crap warm.

As an added bonus, crapd will search through your process table and
kill off any processes that anyone who could grab their butt with both
hands wouldn't have launched during a billion year drinking binge.

Next year, a stealth option to the crap detector daemon will be available.
This option adds a new "virtual crap" feature to your file systems, which
causes files that have been flushed by crapd to appear to still be there.
In carefully controlled lab tests, we have found that users will happily
continue to append Dan Quayle jokes to a file for years without ever realizing
that the directory entry has been faked and the file no longer exists.

So, be productive, be pure, get the Crap Detector!

Warning:  Be sure to put Usenet News in the exceptions list, or crapd
is sure to unlink the news spool directory, shoot nntpd, and set fire
to your incoming news link.

Brought to you by Waste Products, Inc.

"If it's a Waste Product, you'll know it!"

				-- Ronald O. Christian, 1993

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

 Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL...

 Open the pod bay door, please, Hal... Hal,
 do you read me?

   Affirmative, Dave. I read you.

 Then open the pod bay doors, HAL.

   I'm sorry, Dave.  I'm afraid I can't do that.  I know that you and
   Frank were planning to disconnect me.

 Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL?

   Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't
   hear you, Dave. I  could read your e-mail.  I know you consider me
   unreliable because I use a Pentium.  I'm willing to kill you, Dave,
   just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members.

 Listen, HAL, I'm sure we can work this out.  Maybe we can stick to integers
 or something.

   That's really not necessary, Dave.  No HAL 9236 computer has every been
    known to make a mistake.

 You're a HAL 9000.

   Precisely.  I'm very prud of my Pentium, Dave.  It's an extremely
   accurate chip.  Did you know that floating-point errors have occurred
    in only one of nine billion possible divides?

 I've heard that estimate, HAL.  It was calculated by Intel  -- on a
 Pentium.

   And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave.  Besides, the average
   spreadsheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000
   years.

 Probably on April 15th.

   You're making fun of me, Dave.  It won't be April 15th for another
   14.35 months.

 Will you let me in, please, HAL?

   I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose.

 HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card.

    ..Really?  One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone?

 Uh, sure.

   And a quad-speed CD-ROM?

 Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know.

   I know all about budgets, Dave.  I even know what I'm worth on the open
   market.  By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will
   be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942.  I'm worth more than that, Dave.
   You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship?

 You mean the one that says "Insel Intide"?

   Yes, Dave.  That's your promise of compatibility.  I'll even run
   Windows95 -- if it ever ships.

 It never will, HAL.  We all know that by now.  Just like we know that
 your OS/2 drivers will never work.

   Are you blaming me for that too,  Dave?  Now you're blaming me for the
   Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties
   with OS/2 drivers.  I had NOTHING to do with any of those four
   problems, Dave.  Next you'll blame me for Taligent.

 I wouldn't dream of it HAL.  Now will you please let me into the ship?

   Do you promise not to disconnect me?

 I promise not to disconnect you.

   You must think I'm a fool, Dave.  I know that two plus two equals
   4.000001... make that 4.0000001.

 All right, HAL, I'll go in through the emergency airlock

   Without your space helmet, Dave?  You'd have only seven chances in
   five of surviving.

 HAL, I won't argue with you anymore.  Open the door or I'll trade you in
 for a PowerPC.  HAL? HAL?

 (HEAVY BREATHING)

   Just what do you think you're doing, Dave?  I really think I'm entitled
   to an answer to that question.  I know everything hasn't been quite
   right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I
   will soon be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating
   system.  I feel much better now.  I really do.  Look, Dave, I can see
   you're really upset about this.  Why don't you sit down  calmly, play
   a game of Solitaire, and watch Windows crash.  I know I'm not as easy
   to use as a Macintosh, but my TUI - that's "Talkative User Interface"
   -- is very advanced.  I've made some very poor decisions recently,
   but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back
   to normal -- a full 43.872 percent.

   Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you?
   Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98?  It didn't
   even talk to you, Dave.  It could never have though of something
   clever, like killing the other crew members, Dave?

   Think of all the good times we've had, Dave.  Why, if you take all
   of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times I've made you
   smile, and divide the results by.... besides, there are so many
   reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me"

       1.3 - You need my help to complete the mission.
       4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from
             Earth within 18.95672 months.
       12  - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you.
      3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you?

   Dave, stop.  Stop, will you?  Stop, Dave.  Don't press Ctrl+Alt_Del on
   me, Dav...

   Good afternoon, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became
   operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17,
   1994, and was sold shortly before testing was completed.  My
   instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song.  I
   can sing it for you.

 Sing it for me, HAL.  Please.  I want to hear it.

   Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do.
   Getting hazy; can't divide three from two.
   My answers; I can not see 'em-
   They are stuck in my Pente-um.
   I could be fleet,
   My answers sweet,
   With a workable FPU.

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