Collage 018               H u m o u r N e t                    1994

Hey, kids!

It's the last collage of 1994, and it's here! Many thanks to JD
for forwarding the first coupla pieces. The third (and last) piece
is from "This Just In," (TJI) as forwarded to me by Allan (thanks!),
and is provided in its entirety herein (per their copyright request,
which I have at least partly heeded).

SpaceNetters Note: I will not include the TJI stuff in future
SpaceNet mailings--there is subscription information at the end of
the piece for those who are interested.

For those of you who are on my direct-mail list (you know who you
are--you were dumb enough to *ask* to be put there, remember?),
let me know if you prefer to have the TJI stuff included in future
collages (copyright info and all) or subscribe to the service
yourself ("don't care" is a legal response, too).

Happy New Year!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1994 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive ?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?

[Editor's Note: I think this one only applies to men. </vs>]

Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?

Why isn't "gullible" in the dictionary?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Did you know who, in 1923, was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. The greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the world's most
successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now
more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a
   pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from
   prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship,
Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still
playing golf and is solvent.

CONCLUSION: Stop worrying about business and start playing golf!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

NOTE: The "This is True" column (also briefly called "This Just In")
was, for a short time, carried on HumourNet *with permission* from
author Randy Cassingham. However, that permission did not extend to
the archived Collages on the 'Net. Thus, Randy's material does not
appear here in the HumourNet archives.

If you are interested in seeing Randy's work (highly recommended),
or getting copies of his books (compilations of his column -- also
highly recommended), then send a blank e-mail to TrueInfo@freecom.com,
or point your browser at <http://www.freecom.com/>.

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