Collage 020               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hey, Folks!

The first Collage (#20) of the New Year is in ... enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: New Virus Outbreaks

Oprah Winfrey virus:  Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB
and then slowly expands back to 200MB

AT&T virus:  Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting

MCI virus:  Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus

Paul Revere virus:  This revolutionary virus does not horse around.
It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if
by c:

Politically Correct virus:  Never calls itself a "virus", but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism"

Right to Life virus:  Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
of how old it is.  If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to first see a counselor about possible alternatives

Ross Perot virus:  Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole dang thing quits

Ted Turner virus:  Colorizes your monochrome monitor

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:  Terminates and stays resident.  It'll
be back

Dan Quayle virus:  Prevents your system from spawning any child
process without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus #2:  Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe
jsut cant figyour out watt!

Government Economist virus:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine

New World Order virus:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it

Federal Bureaucrat virus:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Gallup virus:  Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38
percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error.)

Terry Randle virus:  Prints "oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"Abort"

Texas virus:  Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file

Adam and Eve virus:  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple

Bobbit Virus:  Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
re-attaches it (but that part will never work again)

Congressional virus:  The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other
side for the problem

Airline virus:  You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore

Freudian virus:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its
own motherboard

Public Television virus:  Your programs stop every few minutes to
ask for money

Elvis virus:  Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self
distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
across rural America.

Olie North virus:  Causes your printer to become a paper shredder

Nike virus:  Just does it

Sears virus:  Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply and a set of shocks

Jimmy Hoffa virus:  Your programs can never be found again

Congressional virus #2:  Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Kevorkian virus:  Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy

Imelda Marcos virus:  Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot
up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all
on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek virus:  Invades your system in places where no virus has
gone before

Health Care virus:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500

George Bush virus:  It starts by boldly stating "Read my docs...No
new files!" on the screen.  It proceeds to fill up all the free
space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
Congressional virus

Hillary Clinton Virus #1: Tells you it's going to fix all your
problems, then does nothing and charges you for it.

Hillary Clinton Virus #2: Suggests that you invest in real estate,
then charges you $100,000 for the tip.

Bill Clinton Virus: Says it's going to erase your hard disk, but
then can't decide if it really wants to do it or not.

Newt Gengrich Virus: Destroys the entire House.

Denver Broncos virus:  Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a
286/AT

L.A.P.D.  virus:  It claims it feels threatened by the other files
on your PC and erases them in "self-defense"

Oral Roberts virus:  Claims that if you don't send it a million
dollars, its programmer will take it back.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Hey, if I wanted intelligent conversation, I'd still be dating my
teachers!"
   - Kelly Bundy

"When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb."
   - Steven Haflich, Franz, Inc.

"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but of the best shots."
   - Voltaire

"Reality continues to ruin my life."
   - Calvin

"A man devoid of religion is like a horse without a bridle."
   - Anonymous?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

			WORKPLACE
		  HAZARDOUS MATERIALS
		  INFORMATION  SYSTEM

	       MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

	       WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT:	Woman
SYMBOL:		WO2
DISCOVERER:	Adam
ATOMIC MASS:	Accepted as 118 pounds, but known to vary from
		100 to 550 pounds
OCCURRENCE:	Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious
	stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expen$ive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously--without prior warning, and for no
	known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by
	saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:
------------
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be an aid in relaxation.

TESTS:
------
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:
--------
1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands.
2. Not recommended to possess (or attempt to possess) more than one.

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