Collage 023               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

It's me again, kids.

Collage 23 is now complete (and in your mail boxes), with many
thanks to Nancy for, oh, about 95% (or so) of the material.

Happy reading!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

      30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:
       -- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house--only computers with
laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers--and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression."  Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead
of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better--the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that
you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

31. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone.
In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"Who are ya gonna believe? Me, or the videotape?"
   - Marion Barry

"I stand behind all of my misstatements"
   - J Danforth Quayle

"My Karma Ran Over My Dogma"
   - <who knows>

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q. Whats the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?
A. Ones a flaming nazi gasbag and the other is a dirigible.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Subj:	Put this in the "Dream On" file ...

		-------------
    This is an excerpt from a 1950's home economics text book.
    It is real. The page this text was lifted from features a
    picture of a "June Cleaver" type-of-gal unloading a full
    oven of food. Of course, she is in a dress, apron, and has
    a huge smile. It is unbelieveable that this was actually
    part of a text book! The 50's were not all that long ago...
		-------------

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good
meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair
and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary
people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring
day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and
it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him: Greet him with a warm
smile and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak
in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to
relax--unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and
relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

----------
EDITOR'S NOTE: Ah, yes, the good old days ...  - V

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</collage023>