Collage 024               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Back again ...

It's Collage 24 (with #25 already hot on its heels), and we
have Allan to thank (blame?) for this one. Some of these are
pretty good; some others could have been weeded out, but I
decided to let you wield your own axe ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

            Creative Answering Machine Messages

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided
to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that
you will never have to suffer through another long answering
machine message when you call me...

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people,
dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta
trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage
sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it,
but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your
call, it means the machine did not work.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm
open to suggestions.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done... (Cachunk!)

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big-time phone
system.

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a
message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your
name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave
your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to
leave your number and the time you called, please press star
twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine--this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name,
your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and
I'll think about returning your call.

(In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave
your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers,
but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a
nice day.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave
your name and number, I'll be right with you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We
know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone,
please hang up.

Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the
Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a
moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number
and I'll be thinking about it ...

Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So
start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll
pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name
and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention
of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice
patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later
use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the
sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial
consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
Thank you.

Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying
to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand,
if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them
will call you back--only that I won't.

(Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as
soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the
tone.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
you back.

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer
and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell
me?

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate
your phone 90 degrees and try again.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The
telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a
beep ...

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name
and number, I'll call you back when I am ...

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your
name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in
person.

I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's
an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find
out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you
back.

I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So
please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower
today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave
a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
person.

This is Alan. Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to ...
I mean, do FOR you.

(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about
to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and
number I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see
it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we
probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to
tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest.
This is for posterity.

(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:) Hello, this
is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now
because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to
resurrect him, he'll call you back.

Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately
resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time
to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next
miracle occurs.

(Drunken voice:) You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able
to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave
your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that
yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life.
After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
informative message. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey--that's a nice phone
you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you
have answering machines bothering you all the time ... Yes
indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen
to some old recordings ... I might even play my beep for you.

(Ominous electronic background music:) In honor of Halloween,
I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please
leave a message. Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why
don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII ...

          SCIENCE FICTION

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? ...
Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency
seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the
final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's
answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your
name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you
to wait for the tone.

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the
sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and
obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the
phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some
dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your
name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to
a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be
broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our
agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and
cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and
number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly
contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the
new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right
now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm
still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone
right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima
look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and
I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been
restored to their normal charges.

          BREVITY

I'm gone.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.

This is David. Talk to me.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

Hello?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-
know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is
the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message
anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear
your latest exciting message.)

(Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:) Don't you
ever wonder what life would be like? ...

MISCELLANEOUS

(For Shakespeare lovers only :) So long as phones can ring and
eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the
Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can
leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your
regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were
like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the
compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

________________________________________________________________
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
Watch me pull his message out of this machine!

Rocky: Again?

Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! (Sound of vicious
dog barking, stops abruptly.)

Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number.

Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

________________________________________________________________
(Recorded during a party:)
HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB
 yeah!!         we're having a party!!  come on over!
B: Mike's not home right now!! Look out!
E: Hey, what are you doing? Careful it might spill.
E: Was that the phone ringing?

(A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she
went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In
a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this
is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and
number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.

          FAREWELL

These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to
keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the
beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I
die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

          MORE STUFF

"Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)

"Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the
phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen.
After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe
we'll get back to you!

C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just
a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we
go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep,
c'mon...There you go!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little
smoke signal,and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry,
Dave, I can't do that.

[Carefully modulated English accent, like Alex in "A Clockwork
Orange"] Oh, my brothers and only droogs, your poor narrator's
not in now--he's out on his oddy-nocky looking for a bit of
pretty polly--some young devotchka with horrorshow grooties.
Leave thy message after the malinky beepie-weep, and I'll get
back to thee later, righty-right.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words:
orange...mother...unicorn...penis. I'll get back to you with my
diagnosis as soon as possible.

[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a
message...leave me a message....etc.

Thanks for calling the Suicide Hotline. At the tone, your
telephone will explode, sending fragments of metal and plastic
deep into your brain....

Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast
System. This is only a test.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please!
Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification
Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with
today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...

[OFFENSIVE TO MORMONS. Funny if you've been accosted by elders
on bikes.] Thanks for calling the Brigham Young School for Semi-
Formal Bicycle Racing. We can't come to the phone now because
we're out proselytizing heathens, so please leave your name and
number.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave
your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
invade, and the secret password.

Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't
you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about
it!....Don't....!

This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After
the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
confusing.

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I
touch this...YOW!!

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or
clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er...bear
a...er...shalt not witness thy...uh...neighbor's ass, oh, I
mean, false...er...shalt not commit a bear...dern...

{Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the
phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just
leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a
massage--my shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're
only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....

Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana
'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.

You've reached 434-2322; I'm here, I'm just screening my calls. If
you'd like to speak with me, please leave a message after the beep.
If you're a fund-raiser or a salesman, save your breath: I've already
contributed to everyone I like, and I've already purchased everything
I want.

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