Collage 026               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

From deep within the bowels of the Internet, it's ... COLLAGE 26!

Many thanks to Allan for the "Useful Phrases," and to John for
OCRing the "Guy Page." (BTW, Allan was last seen being thrown
into the trunk of a car. John was purportedly abducted by 20
or so angry women--he's still missing, but presumed cured.)

On a final note: I recently acquired the complete set of "Dumb
Blonde" jokes (yes, Allan, thank you for the Web page), but
decided that it was too lengthy to mail. However, the DB jokes
are now available from our FTP site . (Some other stuff is in
there as well--including the HumourNet archives, which will be
updated irregularly.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN
TRAVELING THROUGH ARAB COUNTRIES
--------------------------------

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN.
   Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL GARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
   I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the
   floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE.
   I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
   It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk
   of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA
JEBEHKESHVAREHMAN.
   If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages
   I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY.
   I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies
   traveling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI!
   Whatever you say!

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
   The red blindfold would be lovely, your excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
   The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.  I must
   have the recipe.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following are actual questions on New Jersey's driver-license
renewal form:

1. Do you have a valid driver license in any other state? (Yes/No)
2. Is your driving privilege now suspended in any other state? (Yes/No)
3. Do you suffer from any mental, physical, or convulsive disorder?
   (Yes/No)
4. Are you in this country legally? (Yes/No)

If you answered YES to question 1, 2, or 3, please explain: ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following piece is an article pirated from a
1986 issue of Virginia Polytechnic's "Duckberg Times."
-----

Final Update's GUY PAGE:
"All About Cars and Baseball"

 This issue's GUY PAGE is gonna be about baseball and fixing cars
and stuff, so you girls can go on ahead to the next section, okay?

 Are they gone? Good. This issue's topic is HOW TO GET LAID.

 Whenever I venture into the wilds of Virginia or Maryland, hordes
of wahoos inevitably descend upon me and ask, "Hey Buttface, where
can we get us some poontang?" Glancing nervously around at their
power tools and tobacco-stained pink skin, I answer, "Come to
Washington!" And it's true. There are so many women in Washington
even the Elephant Boy could get laid! Willing sex-starved
nymphettes an waiting for you to cut through the games and the
bullshit and RUB UP AGAINST THEM NAKED! Even if you are hung like a
hamster and have never cracked the "60-second barrier," you can now
be thrashing about on the exposed parts of nubile coeds and yelling
"Woo Woo!" whenever you feel like it! Daily! Hourly! Just study
these simple instructions and you'll be on your way to sexual bliss.

 1. YOU HAVE TO GO WHERE THE WOMEN ARE. Face it. You're not going
to get the main vein drained hanging around the Asteroids machine at
the 7-11. You will have to get invited to parties, or else go to
bars where women congregate. Bars with live bands are best, because
you won't have to talk much. Check the papers for the new-wave
bars, and for bars near area campuses. Then go to these bars and
check them out. Get the feel of the places. Adjust your mindset to
suit your surroundings. What kind of people arc there? Is it all
fat guys in leisure suits with white shoes and belts? Or is it
filled with gangs of lust-filled trollops trolling for trouser
trout? This is what you want. As soon as you find a bar like this,
stop looking. This is now your bar. Get to know the waitresses and
bartenders. Tip big so they will pretend to like you. Memorize
their names. Make sure they know yours. Work at this. Your job
now is to lay down the seeds that will make you look like a neat guy
later, when it counts. Your eventual goal is to be able to walk
into the bar and have everybody who works there turn around and yell
"Hi! (your name here)." This is remarkably effective in creating
interest among the empty-headed bimbos you are trying to attract.

 2. LEARN TO MAKE SMALL TALK. As the guy, you will be expected to
instigate the conversation. You have to come up with some
ice-breaking lines. Ask her if she likes the band, or would like to
dance. However, if you are what is known as a "human boner" on the
dance floor, forget dancing. Lying can be a very useful tool then:
Tell her she'd be perfect in the movie you're casting. Tell her
you'd like her opinion on what type of luxury car you should buy.
You want to come across as someone who has gotten rich in an
artistic field.

 You should be warned here that no matter how slick your opening
lines are, there are some women who live for the chance to verbally
chop off a guy's nuts with a well-timed put-down. So be prepared.
Women can smell fear on a guy like dogs do. The correct response to
a woman like this is to chortle knowingly, and amble away. Practice
your chortling and ambling. You have to think like "Thats the
dumbest move SHE ever made!" Got the idea?

 Opening lines are like resumes. You don't want to use any buzz
words that are gonna shoot you down before you get the interview.
Ask her lots of questions about herself. Most girls love to tell
their life stories, and this will keep the heat off you. As she
talks, try and adjust yourself to her karmal wavelength. Modulate
your voice to her tone and pace of speech. This will make you seem
like more her kind of guy. Sure it's insidious, but this is no time
to develop a conscience. Remember, your goal here is to have the
sperm in your body removed by someone else. If she asks about you,
subtle innuendoes alluding to vast worlds beyond her comprehension
are all you want to convey. If you have a shit job, make up another
one.

 Also, smile a lot. This must be an honest looking smile, not a
smile telegraphing your bowel problems. Give her your best fake
laughter if she makes a joke. Defer to her expertise on idiotic
subjects.

 If you see her interest start to wane, or see her scanning the room
for other guys, moan and rub your back, and tell her you hurt
yourself falling out of bed last night. When she asks how--and she
will--explain you were sleeping on your side and got a hard-on.
Then lick your eyebrows suggestively.

 3. DO NOT GET REAL DRUNK EARLY. It may seem obvious to you, but
it took me ten years to learn that women don't think it's all that
attractive when a guy drools all over himself and falls into things.
Two or three drinks to loosen you up is okay, but resist the urge to
drink yourself into another dimension. Buy her $20 drinks with palm
trees in them, but you have to learn to nurse _your_ drinks. If
there aren't any women around, or nothing looks promising, then you
can get blotto if you wanna. Better yet, go to a different bar,
where you'll be fresh meat for the sex-starved she-vixens who have
already checked out the other creeps in the place and want...
want... well, they don't exactly know WHAT they want, but a boffing
from a stranger will keep their minds occupied for a while.

 4. CLOSING THE DEAL. If you keep this up, sooner or later you are
bound to find a woman horny enough to stick around and give signs
that she is interested. Now you have to get her out of there. If
the showpiece of your apartment is your Hustler collection, and
there are underwear stuck to the ceiling, or if you are living at a
KOA, you will have to talk her into taking you back to her place.
If your place is nice, you're in good shape. Invite her over for a
drink and to listen to some CDs. But frankly, if you are the
typical "Final Update" reader you better try and get her back to her
place. Have a bottle of some sissy French wine in your car and tell
her you want her to try it because your dad owns the vineyard.

 Once you're at her place, open the booze and make sure she drinks
some. Be cool. Do NOT bellow like a moose and do the Philly Dog.
This comes later. Sit on the couch with her, then get up, and when
you come back sit closer to her. Do this two or three times, always
getting closer. Touch her and pretend not to notice. Finally, when
she's facing you and there's a lull in the conversation, lean
forward and kiss her. If she doesn't scream, you've got it made.
Try to think of baseball, you'll last longer.

 FU SEX TIP: You must cuddle for a while after you are done wanting
to. Try to disguise your shudders of revulsion.

THE AFTERMATH

 Once you have succeeded, one of four things can happen.

 1. YOU LIKE HER--SHE LlKES YOU: You will wake up and feel better
than you have ever felt before. You will stop and appreciate things
you used to ignore, like flowers and birds singing. She'll be very
attentive, and you'll agree to see each other the following night,
and make plans for the weekend. In all honesty, this is about a
million-to-one shot.

 2. YOU LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T LlKE YOU: You'll try to arrange
another date, but she'll be evasive and refuse to make a commitment.
You'll call and call, but she'll always be busy. She'll mention
other guys. After a week of constant rejection, you'll end up drunk
outside her window, smashing bottles and screaming her name until
the police come. Or she'll open up her blinds and let you watch her
having sex with a traveling acrobatic team.

 3. SHE LIKES YOU--YOU DON'T LIKE HER: You'll wake up next to what
appears to be a five-foot iguana. You'll tiptoe to the bathroom,
and, when you come back, a seven course breakfast will be waiting
for you. She'll be sitting at the table reading a "Names for Baby"
book. She'll call you every fifteen minutes, at home and at
work--friendly at first, but then sobbing and threatening suicide.
You will eventually have to change your name and move to Cleveland.

 4. YOU DON'T LIKE HER--SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU: The true happy
ending. Mutual loathing. If you run into each other, you'll
pretend you've never met. You got your rocks off, and that's the
important thing, isn't it? Of course it is.

 P.S. Hey guys--whatever you do, don't show this to any girls! I
got enough problems without all those libbers coming down on me!
Jeez! Try peeing on a car hood, lady! Remember--"Brothers are
doin' it for themselves!"

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