Collage 027               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

... and Collage 27! (Another two-Collage day! Oh, joy.)

Thanks (blame?) be to JD for the "Holy Writhings ...."

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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Holy Writhings
by Frank Romano
Printed in _Digital Imaging_ --Jan./Feb. 95
-----

Life would be easier if I had a HELP file. Or even an
operating manual.

I asked God for extended service, but he left me on "hold."

Graphic artist dies in X-acto accident--PICT at eleven.

QuasiModem--The Hunchback-up of Notre Dame.

I'm a member of AAAAAA--American Association Against Alliterative
Acronym Abuse. Arrest me before I attempt abbreviation again.

Things I would never do:
1. Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
3. Be scared half to death ... more than once.

Those geeks at MIT are something else. Someone used a
highlighter on the graffiti. It's bad enough they have footnotes.

ROM was not built in a day.

How many consultants does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? Zero. They're always in the dark.

AIBOHPHOBIA: The fear of palindromes. Sod was I ere I saw DOS.

Did you ever wonder if software viruses were invented by
anti-virus software suppliers? Ever since we started using
anti-virus software, there aren't as many viruses. It could
be the condom I put on every floppy disk

Born-again computers--there's an idea for you.

I'm a computer fundamentalist. The Holy Writ is the
first DOS manual: The Book of Bill. Life began at the a: prompt.

To me, atheism is a non-prophet religion.

They are now saying that all automobiles will be
equipped with a microcomputer. How many megabytes
to the mile will we get? Will you be pulled over for doing
105 megahertz in a 50 megahertz zone? When not in use,
will you have a windshield saver? A rear-view monitor? A
mouse with a clutch?

Liberal and conservative typography:
  Liberals slant to the left, conservatives slant to the right.
  Liberals set fast and loose; conservatives set slow and tight.
  Liberals use sans serifs; conservatives use old-style Roman.
  Liberals use light italic; conservatives use bold extended.
  Liberals are ragged left, conservatives are ragged right.
  Liberals use laser printers; conservatives use hot metal.
  Liberals use Clinton Light; conservatives use Newt Grotesque.

What's the difference between Xerox PARC and Jurassic
Park? One is a theme park with Prehistoric creatures and
the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.

My magnetic personality keeps wiping out disk drives.

Armageddon: "A Type 1 error has occurred and all life as
we know it on this planet has been terminated. Have a nice day."

A multimedia classic: Moby Disk.

In a cave in the Sinai Desert they found the ancient texts,
now called the Dead CD-ROMs, that tell of the creation
of first computers. A lesser known religious sect actually
built a crude calculator out of stale bagels and a knish.
Translators are still working on the rest of the story.

Difference between a nerd and a geek:
  Nerd: Slide rule; geek: pocket calculator.
  Nerd: Pocket protector; geek: lab coat.
  Nerd: Bike; geek: motorcycle.
  Nerd: DEC; geek: Cray.
  Nerd: Star Trek; geek: Plan 9 From Outer Space.
  Nerd: VHS; geek: Beta.

Astronomers say they can't find 90 percent of the matter
of the universe. Just think of the size of the photo that the
missing-matter investigators would need to flash around.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Another signature:

Decaffeinated Christ?  Jesus Lite (tm)?  50% fewer sins but still
has that great Jesus taste?  NEW fat-free Christianity-flavored
religion substance!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

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