Collage 028               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, HumourNetters!                         19 Jan Year-M

Coming soon to an e-mailbox near you: it's Collage 28!
Many thanks to SpaceNet--the humor and trivia mailing list
of the 21st century--for the Bill Gates piece (always a
good lead-in, BTW). The rest is just more stuff from the
digital archives.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced
yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of
1995.  1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M," to be
followed by actual 1995.

"Windows95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said.
"But we couldn't change the name again ... people were
starting to get confused.  So instead of spending a lot of
time and money on a new marketing campaign we decided to
buy 1995.  That way we get an extra year to debug Windows
and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial
assets to bail out the Federal Government and pay off the
national debt.  The IRS is being disbanded for the next
year, but taxes will be collected as usual with one change:
all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the
judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."  Speculators
stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to
dismiss the numerous lawsuits pending against Microsoft.
Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually
hiring lawyers to represent his cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates
because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole
property of God.  In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a
monopoly and demands that he be broken up into "deity
conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates.  "They broke up AT&T... why can't we
break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for
an early resolution to the suit by hiring God as a
programmer.  Evidently, God has the exact profile that
Gates is looking for in a programmer: he doesn't mind rainy
climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can
work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates
lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows95 on time."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Teacher
----------------------------------

10. Big Bucks!

9. Know all the answers on the test

8. Never a stressful moment

7. Practice pedagogy without fear of arrest

6. Free apples!

5. Massive funding for classroom supplies

4. Joyfully implement wise policies of marvelous administrators,
   earning thanks of a grateful nation

3. Discipline tomorrowUs leaders today

2. Spend leisurely summer in intensive therapy attempting to recover
   strength for new term

1. Might have to work for a living otherwise

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

WISE SAYINGS OF AMERICA'S
GREAT POLITICAL LEADERS
-------------------------

Thomas Jefferson:
	"ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL"

Abraham Lincoln:
	"FOURSCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGO ..."

Martin Luther King:
	"I HAVE A DREAM ..."

John F. Kennedy:
	"ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU ..."

Marion Barry:
	"GODDAM BITCH SET ME UP"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

GUIDELINES FOR EFFECTIVE USE OF THE PHOTOCOPIER

1.  APPROACH PHOTOCOPIER SLOWLY AND CIRCUITOUSLY.  Subjective,
unscientific evidence proves that a significant positive correlation
exists between a photocopier's Pmf (probability of malfunction) and
the velocity and directness of your approach trajectory.

2.  NEVER ATTEMPT TO LET A JOB RUN UNATTENDED.  The copier will jam
or run out of paper as soon as you are out of earshot (or, if
remaining within earshot, the malfunction will occur as soon as you
have reached the point of greatest displacement and/or inconvenience
from the machine).

3.  NEVER START A COPY JOB WITH LESS PAPER IN THE PAPER TRAY THAN IS
NECESSARY TO COMPLETE THE JOB.  The paper will run out at the least
convenient point, or as soon as you are out of earshot of the copier
(see Rule #2).

4.  NEVER LOAD MORE PAPER THAN IS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.  This merely
suggests to the machine that you are anticipating a malfunction, a
service which it will gladly provide.

5.  NEVER LOAD EXACTLY THE AMOUNT OF PAPER REQUIRED.  The increases
the inconvenience of a paper jam, thereby increasing Pfu
(probability of functionality underachievement).

6.  NEVER DISCUSS THE FACT THAT THE MACHINE HAS NOT MALFUNCTIONED
RECENTLY.  This only increases Pmf (see Rule #1).

7.  NEVER DISCUSS THE FACT THAT THE MACHINE HAS MALFUNCTIONED
RECENTLY.  This also increases Pmf (see Rule #6).

8.  NEVER WEAR AN EXPEN$IVE OUTFIT ON A DAY IN WHICH YOU MIGHT HAVE
TO USE THE COPIER.  This increases the probability that the toner
will have to be replaced.  COROLLARY:  The lighter the color of the
outfit, the greater the probability of toner replacement.

9.  NEVER ANTICIPATE RULE #8 BY WEARING OLD CLOTHES ON A DAY IN
WHICH YOU MIGHT HAVE TO USE THE COPIER.  This increases the joint
probability that the toner has to be replaced and there is no more
toner in stock.

10.  NEVER STACK PAPERS ON THE DOOR OF THE COPIER WHILE YOUR JOB IS
IN PROGRESS.  This increases the inconvenience of a feeder problem
(requiring the copier door to be lifted), thereby increasing Pfu2
(probability of functionality underachievement, type 2).  COROLLARY:
When the feeder jam does occur, the probability that you will forget
about the stack of papers when you lift the copier door is directly
proportional to the number of papers in the stack and inversely
proportional to the distance of the copier from the wall.  Other
factors are the importance of the papers, the criticality of the
job, and the number of people waiting to use the machine (see Rule
#11).

11.  NEVER USE A PHOTOCOPIER IF SOMEONE IS WAITING TO USE IT.
This increases PMF, PFU, and PFU2, causing you to look like a
dork.  COROLLARY 1:  Pmf, Pfu, and Pfu2 probabilities are
directly proportional to the number of people waiting to use the
machine.  COROLLARY 2:  Severity of resulting malfunctions, etc.,
are also directly proportional to the number of people waiting.
COROLLARY 3:  Time required to clear the malfunctions increases
according to the number of people in your management chain who are
either waiting to use the copier, or are just in the area witnessing
the event.

12.  NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE WITH A SHORTER JOB TO JUMP IN FRONT OF YOU
IN LINE.  The copier will work fine for that person, and will
subsequently malfunction as soon as your job is started.

13.  NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE WITH A SHORTER JOB TO INTERRUPT YOUR JOB.
He will jam the machine, and your job will remain unfinished until
the serviceman has repaired the problem.

14.  NEVER PLAN TO COPY SOMETHING OR COMPLETE AN UNFINISHED COPY JOB
LATER IN THE DAY.  Just moments before you get there, the machine
will break.

15.  NEVER USE A SPECIAL CAPABILITY OF THE COPIER TO SAVE TIME (SUCH
AS TWO-SIDED-TO-TWO-SIDED COPYING).  The machine will repeatedly
jam, run out of paper, and/or malfunction until you have more than
doubled the amount of time that would have been required to have
performed the same function manually.

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