Collage 029               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hi, Kids!

Caught an awesome electronic tube while surfing the Information
SuperHumourway this week ... enclosed are the results,
appropriately archived as Collage 29.

On an amusing note: the National Organization for Whining is
apparently very happy with Newtie and the new Congress--or, at
least, their *retail* operation is happy. The NOW store in
Washington, D.C., has announced record sales of bumper stickers.
The hottest sellers? "Nuke Newt" and "See What Happens When 64%
of the Population Doesn't Vote?"

And, on a different note, there is my favorite bumper sticker:

		    God Save Me
		From Your Followers

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com

BTW: The excerpt from the 1950's text book, entitled "Put This in
Your 'Dream On' File" (Collage 23), was read on the air this a.m.
by a major D.C. radio station (MIX107.3). The piece was sent to me
by Nancy, who snagged it off one of her news groups--and, regardless
of how it worked its way to WRQX, it is now well on its way to fame
(or infamy).
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH ...
--------------------------------------------------

He was then faced with a class-action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental impact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to
keeping the universe pollution free.

God was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA.  Upon
completion of his construction permit and environmental impact
statement, God appeared before HEPA council to answer some
questions.  When asked why He began these projects in the first
place, He simply replied that He liked to be creative.  This was not
considered an adequate reason and He was required to substantiate
this further.

HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since
"the earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the
deep." Then God said, "Let there be Light."

He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
asking how the Light was to be made.  Would there be strip mining?
Air Pollution?  God explained that the Light would come from a huge
ball of fire.

Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was
provisionally accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or
smoke resulting from the burning;  2) a separate burning permit
would be required;  and 3) since continuous light would be a waste
of energy, it should be dark half of the time.  So God agreed to
divide the Light and the Darkness and He would call the Light "Day"
and the Darkness "Night." (The Council expressed no interest in
in-house semantics.)

When asked how the earth would be covered, God said, "Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters;  and let it divide the waters from
the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of
double talk, but the Council tabled the action since God would have
to first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land
Management) and further would be required to obtain water permits
from the appropriate agencies involved.

The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and
God said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may
seed, and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have
seen itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native
seed would be used.  About future development God also said, "Let
the waters bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the
fowl that may fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no
formal action since this would require approval of the Fish and Game
Commission coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audobonangelic Society.

It then appeared that everything was in order until God stated that
He wanted to complete the project in six days.  At this time He was
advised by the Council that his timing was completely out of the
question ...  HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
application and environmental impact statement, and then there would
be public hearings.  It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit
could be granted.

God said, "To Hell with it!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

John Bobbit's Prayer
--------------------

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray my penis I will keep
And if I wake and it is gone
I hope I'll find it on the lawn

I hope the dog that's running free
Don't see that little part of me
And many cautions I must take
To keep that part I love to shake

Much attention must I pay
To see the knives are put away
The mower, chainsaw, and hatchet, too
There's just no telling what she'll do

So I cross my fingers, close my eyes,
And cross my legs to avoid surprise!!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

More signatures ...

"God Grant Me The Serenity To Cope With The Things I Cannot Change,
And The Firepower To At Least Try."

"I may look busy, but I'm just confused."

"Imagine world peace. Dream of world peace. Work for world peace.
And while we're waiting, support the U.S. military."

"Having diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to
suspect 'Hungry'..."

"Windows 95 = Macintosh 89"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Top 10 sexually tilted lines from "Star Wars":

1.  She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
2.  Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough.
3.  Look at the size of that thing!
4.  Sorry about the mess...
5.  You came in that thing?  You're braver than I thought!
6.  Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper.
7.  You've got something jammed in here real good.
8.  Put that thing away before you get us all killed.
9.  Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
10. Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!

-----

Top 10 sexually tilted lines from "The Empire Strikes Back":

1.  And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
2.  Possible he came through the south entrance.
3.  I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled
up like that huh kid.
4.  Hurry up, Golden-rod!
5.  That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual for a while.
6.  But now we must eat.  Come, good food, Come...
7.  Control, control.  You must learn control!
8.  There's an awful lot of moisture in here.
9.  Size matters not, judge me by my size do you?
10. I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.

-----

Top 10 sexually tilted lines from "Return of the Jedi":

1.  Rise, my friend.
2.  Open the back door.
3.  Hey, point that thing somewhere else.
4.  Its just a dead animal.
5.  Not bad for a little furball.
6.  Come here, I won't hurt you.  You want something to eat.
7.  How can they be jamming us if they don't know we're coming.
8.  Keep on that one, I'll take these two.
9.  I want you to take her.  I mean it, take her.
10. I don't think the Empire had wookies in mind when they made
her Chewie.

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