Collage 032               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Back again!

Welcome to Collage 32, complete with horny sheep, bad drivers, and
deceased bunnies.

BTW, I have received official permission from Randy Cassingham to
forward "This Just In" to the HumourNet list members. (Collages
containing TJIs will not be distributed to Spacenet. If anyone
on the Spacenet list would like the TJI subscription address, send
me a request, and I will forward the address to you.)

Happy reading ... !

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Reasons Sheep are Better Than Women
-----------------------------------

* Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth
* You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear
* Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather
* Cotton mouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease
* Nuttin' beats mutton
* Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel
* Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your
coke, and then tell you they have to be home early
* Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down
* Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get
pissed off when you tell them
* No matter how old or ugly you are, you can always find a
willing ewe
* Sheep are never concerened about their reputation
* Sheep won't tell all their friends about the time you
couldn't get it up
* Sheep won't ask if you're gay the first time you can't get
it up for the second time
* Sheep never insist on eating out
* You'll never catch your sheep masturbating to a picture of
Mel Gibson
* Sheep don't get suspicious if you have to work late
* Sheep don't smell like tuna fish
* Sheep don't get moody once a month
* You can eat a lamb chop without getting wool stuck in your
teeth
* A sheep doesn't expect you to support her for the rest of
her life after one roll in the hay
* A sheep never wears curlers and a mud pack to bed
* A sheep doesn't stop screwing after the honeymoon
* A sheep won't get drunk and throw up in your car
* A sheep won't think that a weekend stay-over entitles her
to rearrange your furniture and put up new curtains
* A sheep won't expect you to pay...and pay...and pay...and
pay
* A sheep will never complain about the spittoon in your
pickup
* A sheep will never throw out your old copies of Playboy
* A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the
refrigerator
* A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck
on new clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be
worn in the bedroom
* A sheep will never sue you for palimony
* A sheep won't care if you screw her sister
* A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking
than she is
* A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be
painted while you're screwing
* A sheep won't use you razor to shave its legs, or your
pocketknife to open a paint can
* Sheep never have a headache
* A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill
* A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the
bathroom
* A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from
work and pick up a box of tampons
* Sheep grow their own fur coats
* A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room
couch when you're having friends over to watch football
* Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend
* A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the
morning
* Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex
* A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up
* A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator
* A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it
doggy style
* A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom
* Sheep are "ram tough"
* A sheep won't think your cheap and tacky if you: send
daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than
20%, wear levis with a hole in the seat, open beer bottles
with your teeth
* Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on
* Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning
* Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck
* A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her
nails, it's too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids,
you'll wake the neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it,
she's not drunk enough to enjoy it
* A sheep will never leave you for a cucumber

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Did you hear that the Energizer Bunny died?
Someone put his battery in backward,
and he kept coming and coming and coming ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

More Stuff from the Aeronautics Archives:
----------------------------------------

The following popular saying was recently seen on a plaque:

  "If Assholes Could Fly, This Place Would Be An AIRPORT!"

This particular plaque was seen hanging in a pilots' lounge.

-----

"Flying is the SECOND Greatest Thrill Known to Man.
LANDING is the FIRST."

-----

The Pilot's Rules of Flying:

1. Signal all turns
2. No peeling ouut on runways
3. Number of landings should equal number of takeoffs
4. No aerobatics over tall buildings
5. Joke with the tower for the best arrival gate

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Still more from the archives:

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
	- Groucho Marx

"Talk is Cheap ... Until You Hire A Lawyer."

"BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore."

Seen on a t-shirt: "PLEASE, LORD ... let me prove to you that
winning the lottery won't spoil me."

And finally: "Being POLITICALLY CORRECT means always having to say
you're sorry."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Accidental Accident Reports
What a Little Grammar Mistake Can Do
-----
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July
26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance forms where
car drivers tried to summarize accident details in as few
words as possible. Such instances of faulty writing serve
to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining.
-----

1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided
with a tree I don't have.

2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning
of its intent.

3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone
pole.

5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at
the wheel and had an accident.

7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when
my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.

9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly
appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before,
making me unable to avoid the accident.

10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing
my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the
other side of the road when I struck him.

12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he
bounced off the hood of my car.

13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in
a small car with a big mouth.

14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was
later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up
when I put my head through it.

17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I
struck the pedestrian.

18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number
of times before I hit him.

19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran
over him.

20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.

21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's
face.

22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

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