Collage 034               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to this Special Edition grad-student Collage (Collage 34).
Complete with a research-paper-to-English dictionary, and a set of
instructions for backwoods fusion, this Collage contains everything
you need to get your graduate program off to a good start.

Enjoy! (Oh, and be careful with the heavy water ...)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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	   GLOSSARY FOR RESEARCH PAPERS:  Strictly Speaking

THEY WRITE                                 THEY MEAN
-------------------------------            ----------------------------
It has long been known that...             I haven't bothered to look up
                                           the original reference

...of great theoretical and practical      ...interesting to me
importance

While it has not been possible to          The experiments didn't work
provide definite answers to these          out, but I figured I could at
questions...                               least get a publication out
                                           of it.

The W-Pb system was chosen as 		   The fellow in the next lab had
especially suitable to show the            some already made up
predicted behavior...

High purity...                             Composition unknown except
Very high purity...                        for the exaggerated claims of
Extremely high purity...                   the supplier
Super-purity...
Spectroscopically pure...

A fiducial reference line...               A scratch

Three of the samples were                  The results of the others
chosen for detailed study...               didn't make sense and were
				           ignored..

...handled with extreme care during        ...not dropped on the floor
the experiments

Typical results are shown...               The best results are shown...

Although some detail has been lost         It is impossible to tell from
in reproduction, it is clear from the      the  micrograph
original micrograph that...

Presumably at longer times...              I didn't take the time to find
                                           out

The agreement with the predicted           fair
curve is excellent

good                                        poor

satisfactory                                doubtful

fair                                        imaginary

...as good as could be expected             non-existent

These results will be reported at           I might get around to this
a later date                                sometime

The most reliable values are those          He was a student of mine
of Jones

It is suggested that...
It is believed that...                      I think...
It may be that...

It is generally believed that....           I have such a good objection
                                            to this answer that I shall
                                            now raise it.

It is clear that much additional            I don't understand it
work will be required before a
complete understanding...

Unfortunately, a quantitative theory        Neither does anybody else
to account for these effects has not
been formulated

Correct within an order of magnitude        Wrong

It is to be hoped that this work            This paper isn't very good but
will stimulate further work in the field    neither are any of the others
                                            on this miserable subject

Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for             Glotz did the work and Doe
assistance with the experiments and         explained what it meant.
to John Doe for valuable discussions.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

BACKWOODS FUSION
----------------

(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)

Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification ...

Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya
stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)

How menny	Whut is it			Where d'ya git it
___________________________________________________________________________
    1      1 inch cube of 90% Palladium		any good hardware store
		with 10% Titanium		should have it

    1	   4 inch length of gold wahr		steal from yore sister's
						earrin's

   5 gallons    heavy water, with 10%		steal frum Navy base
		DTO (th' "Jolt" version,	or borry frum naybors.
		heh heh.)

    1 cup  Lithium Lye, with Deuterium,		war surplus store
	   USGummint #3039924057394XD

    1	   1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah	hell, bild it, use
						pappy's arc welder,
						or whutever.

    1      special currint reggalater		bild it.
	   (figger 3, end of chapter)

    1	   Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability	ain'tchoo gotta hardware
		timer or equiv'lint		bin? Call up Bud's
						Scientific Splah.
						Don't let on whut it's fer.

    1	   big moonshahn crock, with lid.	c'mon, ya gotta know
						where ta git basics!

   th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.

How d'ya do it, Joe?
_____________________

Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr
goin' to it.  (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck
batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,
and pour th' Jolt water inta it.  Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an'
careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.
Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna
hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff
and they ain't afraid ta use it.

So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint
reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the
special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th'
Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at
about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.

Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'
shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid
off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th'
place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap,
which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o'
the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th'
bolts.

Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in,
make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.

'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack
unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much,
probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check,
don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't
go in ther atall.

This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book
is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht
through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got
thet?  No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught
with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin'
out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll
make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if
she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an
that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.

Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?
------------------------------

Whut happen		Whut ta do
___________________________________________________________________________
ya hair falls out	Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up
in hanks		close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an'
			take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,
			an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in
			a spell.

red skin & funny spots	same thing.

juice won't drop to	shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap
10-15 amps		tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!

no flash after 8	th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more
weeks is gone bah	weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit.
			Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah
			tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then
			you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'
			tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!

Big wet spot		ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If
			the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'
			crock leaks, fix it quick.

'lectrode turns brown	probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can
			give it up, or start over.

runs hot		only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's
			ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still
			coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta
			the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.
			If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.
			Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk
			hell, take it from one that knows.

Y'all have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer
munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn,
an' charge th' city folk a dollar a look.

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