Collage 035               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

After a week's ski vacation in Vermont, the humour coffers are
bulging ... Attached is Collage 35--a sampling of what was arriving
while I was not. Many thanks to John for "The Present," and to
Nancy for the "MicroSoft" piece.

Collage 36 is well on its way, with a follow-up to the Great GHZ
Grape Game (from back in the DARK AGES of HumourNet (Collage 4),
remember?) and a highly scientific study of Newt Gingrich's claims
regarding men's innate desires to hunt giraffes and wallow like
piglets.

Thanks for all the material, folks--and keep it coming in!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
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"All things being equal, fat people use more soap"

"There is always one more imbecile than you counted on"

"Indecision is the key to flexibility"

"Happiness is merely the remission of pain"

"Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world"

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by a suitable application of
plastic explosives."

"The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who
is doing it."

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
                                       --  Pablo Picasso

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The Latest in "No Fear" Wear:

"It's not the PACE of life that concerns me, but the sudden STOP at
the end."

"If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up TOO MUCH SPACE."

"He who dies with the most toys--still dies."

"It's not that life's too short--it's just that you're dead for so LONG."

"LIFE is just SUDDEN DEATH overtime--and the clock is running ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What does an engineer use for birth control?
A: His personality.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

	THE PRESENT

A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new
sweetheart and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the
right note, romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to Nordstrom's and
bought a pair of white gloves.  The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items.  The sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.  Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she
wears short ones that are easier to remove.  These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been
wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled.  I had
her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.  I wish I were
there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands
will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
again.  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp form
wearing.  Just think how many times I will Kiss them during the
coming year.  I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love, Charles

P.S.  The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies

REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer
inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its
new software product designed for computer beginners.  Contrary to
rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob"
immediately select new first names.

    "I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve
Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and
Support.  "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people
outside the computer industry to change their names.  We won't, and our
licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable
that the Justice Department could never question them."

    Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the
opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing
option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low
cost.

    The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers
persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option
of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon
signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc.  As an added
bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the
Windows 95 logo on their bodies.

    Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day
grace period during which they can select another related name.
"We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark,"
said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and
Corporate Affairs.  "People are still free to call themselves Robert,
Robby, or even Rob.  Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's
trademark and obviously can't be allowed."

    Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive
Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first
Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed
to his forehead.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

How To Tell If Yout Head's About To Blow Up
From the WEEKLY WORLD NEWS, May 24, 1994

MOSCOW -- Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance
in the brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose
head literally exploded in the middle of a championship
game!

No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four
players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate
Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and
brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart.
Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-
Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.

"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the
board," says Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a
sudden his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in
pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled by the
noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium,
his head popped like a firecracker."

Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a
person's head has spontaneously exploded. Five people are
known to have died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most
recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when
European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss
Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide,
including WWN. "HCE is an extremely rare physical
imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist
and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the
brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the
circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's own
electricity. The explosions happen during periods of
intense mental activity when lots of current is surging
through the brain. Victims are highly intelligent people
with great powers of concentration. Both Miss Nicole and
Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those
cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way it could be said
they were literally too smart for their own good."

Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many
undiagnosed cases, he hastens to add that very few people
will die from HCE. "Most people who have it will never
know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know
much about HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will
probably be years before research money becomes available."

In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy
and not think too hard for long periods of time. "Take
frequent relaxation breaks when you're doing things that
take lots of mental focus," he recommends.
     *        *        *
Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says
knowing you have the condition can greatly improve your
odds of surviving it. A "yes" answer to any three of the
following seven questions could mean that you have HCE:

1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard?
(Head pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.)

2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in
your ears? (It could be the sound of electricity in the
skull cavity.)

3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought
out of your head? (This is a possible sign of too much
electrical activity in the cerebral cortex.)

4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading,
balancing your checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A
common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.)

5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in
your temples? (Friends of people who died of HCE say the
victims often complained of head pressure in times of
strong emotion.)

6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts and other
sweets? (A craving for sugar is typical of people with too
much electrical pressure in the cranium.)

7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers
are often introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)

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