Collage 036               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

(In a burst of energy, he throws together Collage 36.)

Thanks goes to Nancy for the Newtie piece, and to Matt (no, not you,
Matt, the other Matt) for the next installment of "Fun With Grapes
and Microwaves." (For those of you who weren't around for "The Great
GHz Grape Game," it is worth the time to get Collage 4 from the
HumourNet archives.)

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

   The following is an e-mail I sent to Newt Gingrich, in the
wake of the discovery of his comments on the biological urge of
men to "hunt giraffes" and to wallow in ditches "like little
piglets":

To: Georgia6@hr.house.gov
From: Scalzi@cris.com (John M. Scalzi, II)
Subject: Giraffe Poll by Journalist.

Dear Mr. Gingrich:

   My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno
Bee in Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of
your comments about men, women, combat, and the biological drive
for men to hunt giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct
a poll to see whether that innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the
little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact alive and well in the
average American male.

   While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men,
basically whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised
of white, college-educated, gainfully employed males, I
nevertheless feel that the information gleaned from this poll
will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time. Perhaps
you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe
slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the
bulk of my column, to be published this Wednesday, January 25.

   Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing,
whichever the case may be.

1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
        Yes: 0%
        No: 100%

2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
        Yes:4%
        No: 96%

3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a
giraffe?
        Yes: 8%
        No: 92%

4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah
animal?
        Yes: 20%
        No: 80%

5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the
following would you choose?
        a) Zebra: 2%
        b) Rhino: 6%
        c) Meerkat: 12%
        d) Boar: 42%
        e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%

6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
        Yes: 38%
        No: 62%

7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather
to set up giraffe ranches?
        Yes: 92%
        No: 8%

8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever
get the urge to stick him with a spear?
        Yes: 40%
        No: 60%

9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to
hunt a giraffe?
        Yes: 74%
        No: 26%

10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools,
or simply his own mouth?
        Tools: 48%
        Mouth: 52%

11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a
little piglet?
        Hunt: 30%
        Wallow: 70%

12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
        Yes: 22%
        No: 78%

13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
        Yes: 54%
        No: 46%

14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
        Yes: 58%
        No: 42%

15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
        Yes: 18%
        No: 82%

c.1995 John Scalzi

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Fun with Grapes - A Case Study
Last Updated: 14 June 1994

Authors
Marc G. Frank, mgfrank@erebus.com
Patrick R. Michaud, pmichaud@cbi.tamucc.edu

Abstract
Using only cheap, readily-available equipment, you can
create a spectacular lightshow in the comfort of your very
own kitchen, providing hours of fun and excitement for your
family, friends, and pets!

Ordinary grapes, when properly prepared and microwaved,
spark impressively in an extremely entertaining manner.

Introduction
We have made an important new discovery in the field of
culinary entertainment. Properly prepared, the common
seedless grape can be made to combust spectacularly when
subjected to a short (5-10 second) duration of microwaves.
This study was conducted based upon suggestions from dozens
of IRC #root participants using locally available funds and
equipment.

Materials Required
The following materials were needed for this study:
* Green grapes (genus Vitis )
* Microwave-safe plate (Corelle by Corning)
* Knife (Ekco Stainless Steel)
* Microwave Oven (Whirlpool Model MT6901XW-0)
* No parental sponsors (both authors are fortunate to have
supporting funds unencumbered by parental restrictions)

Procedure
1. The authors carefully cleared the laboratories of all
non-essential personnel, especially those persons who might
attempt to abort the experiment while the grapes were still
in the pre-combustion phase.
2. Next, the grapes were carefully prepared for proper
theatrical effect. The knife was used to carefully slice
the grape almost in half, leaving the grape halves attached
by the skin. Next, the grapes halves were placed face down
in the middle of the microwave safe plate (Figure 1).
3. Next, the plate with the prepared grapes were placed
into the center of the microwave oven and the door
carefully shut. The microwave was set to cook at full power
for 40 seconds. Finally, after the various recording
devices were in place, the start button on the microwave
was engaged.

Observed Results
As can be seen from figure 2, the effect of the microwaves
on the sliced grapes produced an extremely satisfying flare
and associated sparks. The photographic quality of figure 2
is slightly deteriorated due to the poor lighting
conditions at the time of the experiment.

The sparks began approximately 5 seconds after the
microwave was started. Approximately 3-4 seconds after
that, the force of the sparks separated the grape halves by
approximately 1.5 cm, ending the theatrical effects. At
that point the microwave session was aborted to prevent
further damage to the microwave and/or grape. The post-
combusted grape is shown in figure 3.

Discussion and Conclusions
As this report was being prepared, it became evident to the
researchers that a mis-communication occurred from the
experimental design to the actual conduct of the
experiment. The original experimental design called for the
grapes to be placed on the plate with the sliced side up,
whereas this experiment occurred with the sliced sides
placed downward. Further research will be required to
determine if the positioning of the grapes significantly
affects the theatrical results.

A future experiment calls for the microwaving of multiple
grapes simultaneously for increased theatrical effect. For
those who wish to forge ahead on this research, the authors
suggest separating each grape by a distance of 1.5 cm or
more. Note that the authors take no responsibility for any
accidents resulting from mis-application of this study. If
your microwave blows up and your house catches fire, call
the fire department, not us. Our microwave ovens appear to
be in good shape after repeated experiments.

The results of this study will greatly enhance the field of
culinary entertainment. New pyrotechnic methods have been
developed using commonly available grapes and microwave
ovens. The results of this study and its derivative works
provide fertile ground for new research. The authors are
planning to use this research as a basis for
experimentation with other species of grape and produce.
Results of such study will be made available in future
publications.

Acknowledgements
The authors gratefully acknowledge the operators of IRC and
the participants of channel #root, without whom this study
would have been left incomplete.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJECT: Why Proofreading is Important

* Someone, looking for a copy of "Thread Manager" for the Mac, sent
* the following request to the Mac-L list; this poor guy got ripped
* apart for the mistake, and even the list admin suggested that the
* software product for which he is searching must surely be made by
* MicroSoft. The best reply, however, is shown below ...

>does anybody know where I can find Apple's Threat Manager?

Wow, there's a product I'd love to own. "Apple releases the Threat
Manager." It will multi-task and manage simultaneous attempts on your
life. When used with the Modern Mood Manager, you can expect up to a
4-year increase in life span.

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