Collage 037               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, HumourNetters .... it's Collage 37, and it's a
doozie. A big "thanks" to the nice folks from SpaceNet--this
entire Collage is a collection of recent SpaceNet mailings.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: All About Spam

The name "Spam" came from a contest run by the George A. Hormel
company, when they discovered the secret of eternal shelf life in
1937. The winning name was a contraction of "spiced ham" (which is
odd since there aren't any spices in it, anyway). Spam is a joke
food, but someone out there is eating it. Over 100 million cans of
it are created each year. That means that at each second, 3 cans of
Spam are being opened.

Ingredients: Chopped pork shoulder meat with ham meat added and salt,
water, sugar, sodium nitrate. There isn't really much scary meat in
it, such as the stories about pig snouts and such, even though meat
used for canning contains adjacent fat and connective tissues that
need not be described on the label, however. Presence of tendons in
canned meat is considered permissible if the amount is under 10% in
contents;  the reason being that finely ground tendons are believed
to be digestible in the presence of other proteins. For every 100
pounds of this meat, you need about 3 1/2 pounds of salt, a pound of
sugar, and about an ounce of sodium nitrate. Nitrate is what gives
Spam it's eerie pink--without it, Spam would fade to a drab
meat-loaf gray.

The consistency of Spam is not quite fleshlike, being too rubbery
for that, and is constructed on the principle of concrete. Coarse
chunks of meat are held together by a pate of finely ground meat.
Approximately 3/4 of the meat is ground coarsely (through a
three-eighths-inch plate of the grinder), the remaining quarter
finely (one-eighth-inch plate). Grinding, mixing and curing must be
done in a chilled factory (34 degrees Fahrenheit) to minimize
bacterial growth. Mix the 2 grades of meat with the salt, sugar,
and sodium nitrate in a vacuum mixer set to a 27-inch vacuum, for 5
minutes. Release vacuum and let the mixture cure overnight,
maintaining refrigeration. The next day, mix in the vacuum mixer
for about 10 minutes again. The chilled meat is then ready for
canning.

Though the canning plant doesn't have to be refrigerated, the meat
must not warm more than a few degrees (to no more than 40 degrees
Fahrenheit) in transit. Spray the inner surfaces of the cans with
oil for easy removal, then pack with meat mixtuer and seal under a
27-inch vacuum. Spam is still raw when canned. Cooking and
sterilization take place in the sealed can. The time required to
sterilize depends on the size and shape of the can. The classic 3
7/8" x 3 1/4" x 2 1/8" oblong can takes about 70 minutes in an oven
set to 230 degrees Fahrenheit. The can's sturdy design and the
internal vacuum prevent explosion.

After that, it's shipped off for you to eat. You don't even have to
heat it. The sterilization kills any trichinosis organisms. Spam
is the pork to have when you're having it tepid.

Spam age: Hormel's dating code is a 5-digit number on the bottom of
the can, something like F04173, where F encodes the processing
plant. The first 2 digits represent the month (04 for April), the
next two are the day (17 is the 17th), and the last is the year (3
means it's 1993 unless it's a really old can). There is a record of
canned meat (not Spam, obviously) remaining edible for 114 years.
However, a Hormel brochure suggests using all canned foods within 2
years. Says Hormel, "It is important to keep in mind that all foods
are substances which are derived from living matter. All living
things have life spans that are characteristic of the species." Even
Spam.

-- kind of taken from Biggest Secrets, by William Poundstone

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's
junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please
name the organ of the human body , which under the appropriate
conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the
conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't
think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents
will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three
things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two,
you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a
dreadful disappointment.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following is from the business section of The Kansas City Star,
Jan 17, 1995:

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
        - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
	 science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
         - Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year."
         - The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
	   1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
         - Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
	   1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
         - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
	   Equipment Corp., 1977

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
why several of us died of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at
that man.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash
stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like he just woke up and
go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave
Man, I guess I'm a coward.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is
if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff
at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have
been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws,
can make a child look like a deer.

You know what would make a good story?  Something about a clown who
makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
what I've left on the porch?  A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I
usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we
build to that.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto
someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have
to laugh, because what is that thing?

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
saying it was a joke
 - just to get out of writing a simple letter!  And I thought I was
lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an
old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned
down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it
was a pretty good joke.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you?  You'd
be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But
we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some
whore he picked up in town.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on a first date, I bet it's
real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and
she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
pretend you were swimming.

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