Collage 039               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Once again driving the Infobahn without a license ...

Kudos for Collage 39 go to: John (Grease Man), Jim (New Courses
at Western Michigan), and Nancy (Barbie, God, and PBS).

BTW, where's all the seasonally-correct "tax" humor I've been
expecting? Is everyone waiting until April 15th for this stuff?
C'mon, I know you guys can come up with SOMETHING ... "The New
Clinton Tax Deduction for Having AIDS," or "Hillary's Plan to
Eliminate Capital Gains on Real-Estate Investments." Go for it.

On a serious tax note: if anyone is interested in obtaining tax-
related information ABSOLUTELY FREE, there is a BBS in N.J. (owned
and managed by a CPA) (the BBS, that is, not the state) called
"BART's Place," for Business, Accounting, Retirement and Taxes.
The phone number is 908-528-2278.

Meanwhile, enjoy this season of giving (to the IRS). And remember
to thank Health & Human Services for consuming the largest share
of your tax dollar (and the national budget).

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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Here's one from the Grease Man:

This guy arrives later than usual at his favorite golf course.
Because he was so late he couldn't go out with his usual foursome,
therefore he was sent out with three women he had never met.

At the first tee, one of the women shanks her drive, and her ball
disappears over a hill into a cow pasture.  Being a gentleman, the
fellow offers to help the woman find her ball in the cow pasture
while the other two play on.

Carefully stepping over the cow pies, the fellow sees a cow in the
pasture.  As the cow waves its tail, the guy notices a Titleist
firmly embedded in the cow's bung.  He calls the woman over, lifts
the cow's tail and asks, "Does this look like yours?"

The woman promptly wrapped her driver around his head.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: New Course Offerings at Western Michigan University:

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff,
the male staff has created a set of courses for females of
all marital statuses (stati?). The following courses will
be offered:

General Education:
GE101:  Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102:  Checkbook Balancing
(formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103:  How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104:  How to Parallel Park
GE105:  Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106:  Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107:  Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering--Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming--Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting--Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing--Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102:  How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have
(formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103:  Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome"
(formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101:  How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102:  Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
Watching Roller Derby
IR103:  Submission--a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104:  Marriage--The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105:  Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS)
(formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining
Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106:  Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials
(formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic
Applicator' is REALLY For!")

Sex Education:
SE101a: How to Say "Yes"
SE101b: How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes"
SE102:  Sex--It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103:  Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104:  Lingerie--The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105:  Sexual Alternatives for "That Time of the Month"
(formerly titled "Any Old Port in a Storm")
SE106:  Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
SE107:  Sexual Creativity for Prudes (required course)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

"It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions of vegetarianism
while wolves remain of a different opinion"
- unknown

"Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of
magnetic tapes hurtling down the highway."
- A. S. Tannenbaum, _Communication Networks_

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

(LA, California)  Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products,
the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month.
The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are
numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell"
series.  The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of
worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that
can set ants on fire.

Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.  The new Barbie has the
incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes
and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her
vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "IP address,"
"TCP/IP," "kernel," "NP-complete," and "Alpha AXP's."

"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year ago, Mattel released
Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with condescending companion
Ken.  The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent consultant who
frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of
Barbie dolls. Naomi Wolf says, "I believe that these new dolls will
finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when
it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's
hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and
oppress the masses."

Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically
behind by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out.
"My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder
for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as
y'all know, she now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how
she duz it, but she surely duz it.  I jus don't wanna be looked upon
as a dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for
those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with
the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach
computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E R1TES L1KE B1FF!!!" will
serve as an introduction to expository writing.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

This is an idea of what God's resume would look like if he were to
apply at a computer firm.

RESUME FOR GOD

God, creator and sustainer of all life, has an eternity of
experience in every aspect of everything, including systems design
and integration and local area networking.

SPECIFIC EXPERIENCE AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS

God was solely responsible for the development of every standard,
protocol, method, language and type of microprocessor in existence.
God has absolute and complete knowledge of every detail of anything
even remotely connected to computers and data processing, as well
as everything else.  God practices structured programming, and uses
"go tos" only in reference to Hell.  God has extensive supervisory
and leadership experience, and has led teams of over one billion
persons in such major projects as the establishment of civilisation
and the development of organised religion.

OTHER EXPERIENCE

God's experience extends from beyond the beginning of time.  During
this period God separated the light from the darkness, created the
earth, planets and stars, established the firmament and the waters
of the oceans, and created all the green plants and living things.
Later, God created human life, which many consider to be one of
God's most significant accomplishments.

TECHNICAL BACKGROUND

God is thoroughly familiar with every type of computer, every
operating system, every programming language, every communications
system, and every application that has been or will be developed,
including Microsoft Windows 95.

EDUCATION

God holds an honorary Doctorate in Comparative Religions from Oral
Roberts University, as well as current teaching certificates for
IBM's Programmer Productivity seminars.

SALARY REQUIREMENTS

Seeking 10-15% increase.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN
TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE

8:00 am  Morning Stretch:  Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged."

9:00 am  Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood:  King Friday sings
"Elitism is neat."  The House Un-American Activities investigation of
Mr. McFeely continues.  Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be
his neighbor.

10:00 am  Sesame Street:  Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental.  Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh.  Bert
and Ernie are kicked out of the military.  Jesse Helms bleaches all the
Muppets white.

11:00 am  Square One:  A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down."
Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on
defense will balance the budget.

Noon  Washington Week in Review:  Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job
loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

1:00 pm  Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?  Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line:  Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan
the need for more conservative media voices.

3:00 pm  Nature:  Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
machine guns to bag endangered species.

4:00 pm  NOVA:  "Creationism:  Discredited, but what the hell?"

5:00 pm  Newt Ginrich News Hour:  Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment.  Pat Buchanan
says he is being shut out from national exposure.

6:00 pm  Mystery Theater:  Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock
Holmes team up to investigate Whitewater.

7:00 pm  Great Performances:  Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War."

8:00 pm  Masterpiece Theater:  Ibsen's "A Doll's House."  Phyllis
Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives
up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

9:30 pm  Washington Week in Review:  Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
liberal media bias.

10:00 pm  Adam Smith's Money World:  How to Profit from Ozone Depletion

10:30 pm   Nightly Business Report:  Wall Street celebrates the end of
all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

11:00 pm  Insights of Dan Quayle

11:01 pm Sign-Off

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