Collage 041               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Starting the week off right ... Collage 41!

Thanks go to Nancy for the "SnuffIt-L" piece. The rest is pirated
from various corners of cyberspace (like the new and creative uses
for Jose Cuervo, from the Mac-L list). Also included is a follow-on
to the "If Operating Systems Were Airlines" piece, from Collage 4.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Tell THIS One to the Prohibitionists:
(From the Mac-L list)

OK this is one for the grandkids. I went to a client's to
troubleshoot a tape drive (Teac 600 mechanism), and found out that
it just needed cleaning. To make a long story short, it would
hardly back up at all (Retrospect kept kicking out the tapes with a
media error), and they had no tape cleaner. They also didn't have
(nor did I) any rubbing alcohol or anything. It was a quick trip
there, and I wasn't really prepared with my usual kit containing VCR
cleaning supplies, and they just had to get it going. So anyway, we
found a bottle of Jose Cuervo Tequila 1800 in a cabinet, whipped it
out, opened the drive and cleaned it up. Yes it worked!  The drive
did a full backup, with no problem!

(Editor's Note: Of course, the bits were a little slurred ... - V)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS DROVE YOUR CAR

MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you
put the keys.

WINDOWS: You get in the car and drive to the store very
slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a
freight train.

MAC SYSTEM 7: You get in the car to go to the store and
the car drives you to church. But it hardly matters,
because the church looks (and feels) just like the store.

UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After
reaching 2000 mph en route, you arrive at the barber
shop.

WINDOWS NT: You get in the car and write a letter that
says 'go to the store'. Then you get out of the car and
nail the letter to the dashboard.

TALIGENT/PINK: You walk to the store with Ricardo
Montalban who tells you how wonderful it will be when he
can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas you get
in the car and drive to the store with a motorcycle
escort and a marching band in procession. Halfway there,
the car blows up, killing everyone in town.

S/36 SSP: You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest
of the way you are run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400: An attendant kicks you into the car and then
drives you to the store where you watch everyone else
buy filets mignon.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

It's the strangest list posting I've seen. I wonder
how hard it is to keep up membership?

Date:         Fri, 24 Feb 1995 15:24:22 CST
Reply-To: coe@netcom.com
Sender: NEW-LIST - New List Announcements <NEW-LIST@VM1.NoDak.EDU>
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 261-4700 guest)
Subject:      NEW: SNUFFIT-L - The Church of Euthanasia

SNUFFIT-L on LISTSERV@NETCOM.COM - The Church of Euthanasia

   SNUFFIT-L is a moderated list, and is primarily used to distribute
   the electronic version of the Church of Euthanasia's quarterly
   journal (Snuff It) as well as the weekly inspirational "e-sermons."
   The Church of Euthansia was founded in 1992 to help restore balance
   between the human species and the other forms of life currently
   manifested on this plane of existence, through total DADA.

   Frequent topics include:

      - The four pillars: suicide, abortion, cannibalism & sodomy.
             (Editor's Note: "sodomy"? - V)
      - Save the planet, kill yourself.
      - Eat people, not animals.
      - Thank you for not breeding.
      - Prevent AIDS: aim for the chin.
      - Voluntary human extinction.
      - Americans must die to save the planet.
      - The octopus and other tentacles.
      - Efficiency = death.

   The list is fully archived at the U.Michigan ETEXT archives,
   and is also available (in full color) on the world-wide web:

      ftp:      ftp.etext.org           /pub/Zines/Snuffit
      gopher:   gopher.etext.org        Zines/Snuffit
      www:      http://www.paranoia.com/coe/

   To subscribe, send the following command in the BODY of mail
   to LISTSERV@NETCOM.COM on the Internet:

      SUBSCRIBE SNUFFIT-L

   Owner:  Rev. Chris Korda  <***@NETCOM.COM>

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: FUN THINGS TO DO IN A FINAL (OR A PRELIM) THAT DOES NOT MATTER
(That is, you are going to fail the class completely no matter what
you get on the final exam.)
By Jeremy Toeman
<http://lucifer.bevc.blacksburg.va.us/funny/finals.html>


1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking," and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell
out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking
about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've
been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who
the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume
at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way
to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have
to leave the country," and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every
fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to
expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk
out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it were multiple choice and true/false.
If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things
(DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks
why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that
goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper.
DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the
phantom of the opera," until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you
if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight
for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly,
say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally
get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to
the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs
you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own
life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple
them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes
for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like
they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at
a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the
Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the
section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use
the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage041>