Collage 043               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Toldja not to stray too far from your monitors ...

Many thanks to Nancy for once AGAIN contributing the entire
contents of the Collage! And this time, she's taking credit
for all of it (and there's some stuff in there that's well
worth the credit).

Happy Laughs!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

If you thought YOU were having a bad day...

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled
out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and
found himself in the city prison.

In 1976 a twenty-two-year-old Irishman, Bob Finnegan, was crossing
the busy Falls Road in Belfast, when he was struck by a taxi and
flung over its roof. The taxi drove away and, as Finnegan lay
stunned in the road, another car ran into him, rolling him into the
gutter. It too drove on. As a knot of gawkers gathered to examine
tha magnetic Irishman, a delivery van plowed through the crowd,
leaving in its wake three injured bystanders and an even more
battered Bob Finnegan. When a fourth vehicle came along, the crowd
wisely scattered and only one person was hit-Bob Finnegan. In the
space of two minutes Finnegan suffered a fractured skull, broken
pelvis, broken leg, and other assorted injuries. Hospital officials
said he would recover.

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti
came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming
down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat,
which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later
a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by
a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing,
the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be
trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head.
In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began
scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to
this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into
the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his
car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify
the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and
his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies
were still trying to sort out the claims.

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision
in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding
his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the
moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they
smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head
injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.

In a classic case of one thing leading to another, seven men aged
eighteen to twenty-nine received jail sentences of three to four
years in Kingston-on-Thames, England, in 1979 after a fight that
started when one of the men threw a french fry at another while they
stood waiting for a train.

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant
nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an
elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When
his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses,
seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the
room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr Fen kicked her
stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she
dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr Fen was acquitted of
manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.

An unidentified English woman, according to the London Sunday
Express was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she
remembered she had left some muffins in the oven. Naked, she dashed
downstairs and was removing the muffins when she heard a noise at
the door. Thinking it was the baker, and knowing he would come in
and leave a loaf of bread on the kitchen table if she didn't answer
his knock, the woman darted into the broom cupboard. A few moments
later she heard the back door open and, to her eternal
mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard.
It was the man from the gas company, come to read the meter. "Oh,"
stammered the woman, "I was expecting the baker." The gas man
blinked, excused himself and departed.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

You will think I am making this up, but I swear that this is true:

I was working for a now-defunct merchant bank when another guy in
our (computer) department came into my office in hysterical
laughter. He told me he had just fielded a question from a woman
whose department had gotten PCs installed two months previously.
(Not by our group, we wrote software.)

She told him her problem, and he figured out that a few files were
lost from a floppy disk. "Do you make backups?" he asked hopefully.

"Oh, yes, we were instructed to copy all of our data disks every
day."

"Well, put the backup copy in the computer, and I'll show you how to
restore the files."

"You mean put it in the printer?"

"Huh? Put it in the disk drive."

"How am I going to do that?"

You see, each night they used a Xerox machine to copy their disks,
and neatly stored the pictures of each disk in a filing cabinet. My
response was to suggest that we fax them new copies of their disks.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you
can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost:  small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the
family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35;  Chicken or Beef $2.25;  Children
$2.00.

For sale:  an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and
large drawers.

For sale:  a quilted high chair that can be made into a table,
pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and
fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too.

Wanted:  50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted:  Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan
Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and
smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for
charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last
year.

Dog for sale:  eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special:  have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere
Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la
Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts:  Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster:  A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit:  one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better
Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20;  microscopes $15.

For Rent:  6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted:  chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References
required.

Wanted:  Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars:  Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted:  Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted:  Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food
business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00.

 ---  And these beauties from the radio: ---

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity,"
designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green
bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs
from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

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