Collage 044               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And so we come to Collage 44.

Thanks to Matt for the motorcycle-clutch piece and Nancy for the
Unix (daemon) piece.

And, you might recall this post-script from Collage 29:

   BTW:  The excerpt from the 1950's text book, entitled "Put
   This in Your 'Dream On' File" (Collage 23), was read on the
   air this a.m. by a major D.C. radio station (Q107.3). The
   piece was sent to me by Nancy, who snagged it off one of her
   news groups--and, regardless of how it worked its way to WRQX,
   it is now well on its way to fame (or infamy).

Well, Tuesday morning (this week), it was aired on ANOTHER radio
station--this time FM106.5 in Baltimore! At that rate, it should be
in the NYC area by late Spring ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Slightly edited, the following interchange occurred this week on the
Photoshop list (a list dedicated--supposedly--to discussion of Adobe
Photoshop on various platforms, including the PC and the Mac). The
first comment refers to the recent release of Photoshop 3.0:

>>>>>Well, when I first got into 3.0, I thought it was better than sex
>>>>>(hope this doesn't get me kicked off the mailing list!)

>>>>From what I hear, Sex 95 is going to *really* be something ...

>>>OK, Jay ... what IS Sex 95? And will it be on the web?

>>This is only a WAG but I think he means Windoze 95.:-)

>Anyone who thinks sex is like Windows should find some new partners.
>If your sex is poorly implemented, slow, annoying, requires a file
>manager and keeps getting delayed, you really have problems.

(Note: This one has been voted into the
"Best of the Mac-vs-PC" archives. -VS)

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

And another one that needs an intro (and slight editing) ...

This discussion centered around a clutch problem on some guy's
motorcycle, and his question (apparently) about what might happen
if he decided to not fix it:

>>>What is the worst case scenario? (Shaft warpage? Would the clutch
>>>basket desintegrate?????)

>>The absolute worst thing that can happen is that the imbalance will
>>destroy your outboard crank bearing as you are turning, causing the
>>engine to seize, the rear wheel to lock, and sending you slipping
>>down the road toward a leaking gas truck spitting sparks all the
>>way, setting it alight, which makes the truck driver stand on the
>>gas so the truck rams into the door of the ER at a hospital where
>>the next UN president who was going to bring peace to the world was
>>getting a stitch in his thumb and instead dies in flames consigning
>>us all to roast in nuclear horror where it is difficult to ride
>>bikes.

>Now I WILL go and buy that clutch tool, world peace depends on it!!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The following is a selection of actual newspaper headlines:

Bridgewater, NJ "Courier-News"
        CONDOM FAULTS COULD LEAD TO DATING POLICY

Charleston, SC "Evening Post"
        S.C. SENATE OKs MARITAL RAPE

Minneanapolis, Mn "Star Tribune"
        SEVERAL VIKINGS HIT WITH INTESTINAL INFECTION; MORE COLOR
        PHOTOS, PAGE 14C

Edmonton, Alberta
        HIROHITO'S BODY MOVED

Pasadena, Ca "Star News"
        CRITICS SAY COUNTY MENTAL HEALTH NEAR COLLAPSE

London "Daily Telegraph
        DEAD CATS PROTEST

Des Moins, Ia "Register"
        LORD TO ADVISE QUAYLE

Honolulu, Hi "Downtown Planet"
        GRAMMER HOTLINE AVAILABLE

Knoxville, Tn "News-Sentinel"
        ACTOR SENT TO JAIL FOR NOT FINISHING SENTENCE

El Paso, Tx "Times"
        STATE: SEX WITH MINOR WORTH FELONY CHARGE

New York, NY "Wall Street Journal"
        REST OF THE YEAR MAY NOT FOLLOW JANUARY

And a few more, sans attributions:

        "Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"

        "Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?"

        "Iraqi Head Wants Arms"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Linda Branagan is an expert on daemons. She has a T-shirt that
sports the daemon in tennis shoes that appears on the cover of the
4.3BSD manuals and The Design and Implementation of the 4.3BSD UNIX
Operating System by S. Leffler, M. McKusick, M. Karels, J.
Quarterman, Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, Reading, MA 1989.

She tells the following story about wearing the 4.3BSD daemon T-shirt:

Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering
hole" in Texas to pick up a take-out order. I spoke briefly to the
waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a
few minutes.

So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the
walls, I was approached by two "natives." These guys might just be
the original Texas rednecks.

"Pardon us, ma'am. Mind if we ask you a question?"

Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I
nodded.

"Are you a Satanist?"

Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party.

"Uh, no, I can't say that I am."

"Gee, ma'am. Are you sure about that?" they asked.

I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and
said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is
watching Geraldo."

"Hmmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have
the lord of darkness on your chest there."

I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene--then I
stopped and noticed the shirt I happened to be wearing that day.
Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish-looking creature
that has for some time now been associated with a certain operating
system. In this particular representation, the creature was wearing
sneakers.

They continued:  "See, ma'am, we don't exactly appreciate it when
people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin'
so friendly."

These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

Me:  "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well,
it's sort of a mascot."

Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"

Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating--uh, a kind of computer."

I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these
guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word
"UNIX" I would only make things worse.

Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?"

Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really."

Somewhere along the line here, the waitress noticed my predicament--
but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did
was look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.

Native:  "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if
you'd leave the premises now."

Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order,
and they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my
food before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused
themselves by talking to each other.

Native #1:  "Do you think the police know about these devil
computers?"
Native #2:  "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know
about 'em."

They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time:

"You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people
use this `kind of computers.' Universities, researchers, businesses.
They're actually very useful."

Big, big, big mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.

Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?"

Me: "Yes."

Another big boo-boo.

Native:  "And does the government pay for 'em?  With our tax
dollars?"

I decided that it was time to jump ship.

Me:  "No. Nope. Not at all. Your tax dollars never entered the
picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good
Christian congressmen would never let something like that happen.
Nope. Never. Bye."

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage044>