Collage 046               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, Info-fairway turf surfers! (No, this is a *skydiving*
reference, not a *golf* reference, ferchrissake.)

Welcome to Collage 46, with the appropriate thanks doled out as
follows:

Cool Users: Vijay (no association with "VJ")
Naming the "686": Nancy
The Mac User's Perspective: Christopher
Mac vs. DOS: Allan
Bobbitt Hillbillies: Randy Cassingham

Many thanks to this issue's contributors. Note, BTW, that these
acknowledgements reference the senders, not [necessarily] the
authors.

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC
users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating
system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User
Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays
US$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic
suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation
until about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.

"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and
acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society
between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,"
explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson
trial ending, another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-
light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast
area will be needed for the storage facility. "We have chosen the
state of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there,
anyway." Spokesmen for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for
comment on this remark, but their words were not suitable for
publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft
promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would
not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people?
What for?  Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source
who asked not to be identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan
as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's
opinion column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown
claims,"IBM has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2
strategy. Users clearly want to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and
sealed in coffin-like units for an indeterminate period of time."
Michael S. Brown made national headlines three years ago when he
claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely replace DOS in six
months" he would chain himself to grating comedian Gilbert Godfried.
Today he clarifies that he "didn't say *which* six months."

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1,
1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a
reduced fee of US$3,000.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Naming the '686 ...
(from "Kumpyooter Nooz," Issue 8.98, Volume 1.97)

Some names for the upcoming P6:

"Flawium" - Curtis Cicco

"Sohotyoucanfryaneggonitium"
"Madefromonehundredpercentcowdungium"
"Lotsawastedspacium"
"Lotsawaitstatesium"
"Soscreweditwillneverunwindowsninetyfivewheneveritcomesoutium"
        - CN

-----

E-mail sig: "Who needs a Pentium? We already have heating!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Mac User's Perspective ...

Purportedly, an actual exchange on the net; the reply is from a Mac
user, although it could really be from anybody:

Q:  I own an HP Vectra 486/33Mhz VLB computer with 16meg of RAM, a
SCSI-2 1.2gig Hard Drive and a Sound Blaster Pro 16 sound card.
Recently I added 10Mbit/second Ethernet cards to it and my Compaq
Prolinea 4/25s and hooked up both machines using Novell Netware 3.1
and all of a sudden my Sound Blaster Pro 16 doesn't work anymore and
both machines hang. What's the problem?

A:  Shut up!  Shut Up!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!!  SHUT UP!!!  I DON'T
CARE!!!!!  SHUUUTTT UUUUUUUPPPPPP!!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MS-DOS is Calvinistic
By Umberto Eco

Friends, Italians, Countrymen. I propose to found a committee for
Public Health. It's mission should be to criticize in the Italian
press a series of topics which I specify below. For each topic that
is examined, there will follow an alternate topic in parentheses,
just as superflous as the first, but stuffed with polemic:

[snip]

Thereby I come to a very idle speculation but one which nonetheless
has become dear to me. No one has given much thought lately about
the new Religious wars which have changed the world of today. It is
an old idea of mine, but I notice that I find agreement with it when
I talk about it.

It is a fact that the world is divided--into Macintosh users and
users of MS-DOS compatible systems. I am deeply convinced that
Macintosh is Catholic and MS-DOS is protestant. More exactly,
Macintosh is Counter-reformation Catholic and suffers under the
education pedagogy "Ratio studiorum" of the Jesuits. It is serene,
friendly, concilitatory and shows its believer what he has to do,
step by step, if not to reach heaven, then finally to initiate the
printing of a document. It is catechismic, the nature of revelation
resolves itself into understandable Formulas and splendid Icons.
All have a right to salvation.

MS-DOS, on the other hand, is protestant, specifically calvinistic.
It provides for a free intrepretation of Scripture, it demands
personal and agonized decision, it compels subtle interpretation,
and supposes that salvation is not within reach for everyone.

In order to start up a system, personal actions of the usere are
necessary. Far removed from the baroque community of the cheerful
is the MS-DOS user, locked in the loneliness of individual, inner
worth.

Some object that the universe of DOS, by going to Windows, approches
the counter-reformation tolerance of Macintosh. Actually, Windows
represents a church division of Anglican art--with great ceremonies
in the cathedrials, but with the opportunity always to go back to
DOS, to endlessly modify many things on the foundation of bizzare
decisions; finally even women and children can assume the priestly
authority.

Naturally, the Catholism and Protestantism of both operating systems
has nothing to do with the cultural and religious orientation of the
user. Still, one must question whether the long term use of one
operating system over the other leads to a deeper inner change by
the user. Can one actually use DOS and take up for the Vendee, the
royalist uprising against the French revolution?  Would Celine have
written with Work, Word Perfect or Wordstar? Would Pascal have
programmed in Pascal?

Is it assembly language--the deepest innards of the destiny of both
operating systems--that determines what one thinks to express?
Logically that is old testament-like, talmudic, and kabbalistic.
Oy weh, always this hebrew lobby ...

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBIT HILLBILLIES
(sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
(Original author unknown; Modifications to the original lyrics
provided by Randy Cassingham 3/21/96.)

Here's a little story of a man named John,
A poor ex-marine (with a little fraction gone)
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is)
(Rodeoed, fillet-ioed)

Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride,
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded out a bend.
(Curve, that is)
(Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs)

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air.
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, evidence)

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So
a dick-doc said, "Hey! I can fix your schlong!
A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need."
Then the world held its breath 'till they heard that John had peed.
(Wizzed, that is)
(Stitched seam, straight stream)

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took the case to court
With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short),
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.
(Video, that is)
(unexposed, case closed)

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