Collage 047               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 47!

Sorry for the lapse, but I haven't had time to type the words
"append <filename>" enough times to fill out a Collage. Needless
to say, the stuff's been backing up, so 48, 49 ... should follow
shortly.

Thanks go to Nancy for the entire collage except the "Holy Hand
Grenade," which was contributed by Brian.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities for
illegally hunting gorillas.  He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun
and dresses them in clown suits.  So far six gorillas have been
found wandering around in this condition.

A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with a truly sick
sense of humor.  They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had
to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

     Preliminary Draft of the DSM-V Committee on Cyberdisorders

The Cyber Disorders section includes disorders that have a
dependency upon cyberexistance as the predominant feature.  The
section is divided into three parts.  The first part describes
e-mail episodes that serve as the building blocks for the disorder
diagnoses.  The second part describes the Cyber Disorders
themselves.  The criteria sets for most of the Cyber Disorders
require the presence or absence of the e-mail episodes described in
the first part of the section.  The third part includes the
specifiers that describe either the most recent e-mail episode, or
the course of recurrent episodes.

The Cyber Disorders are divided into Posting Disorders, Flaming
Disorders and CC Disorders.  The Posting Disorders (i.e.  Lurking
Disorder, Chronic Posting Disorder and Posting Disorder not
Otherwise Specified) are disting- uished fromthe Flaming Disorders
by the fact that there is no history of ever having posted a Flame,
or Flame-with-Apology.  CC Disorders (CC-All Disorder and Spam
Disorder) may include episodes of Chronic Posting, Flames, and/or
Flame-With-Apologies but can be distinguished by the number of
addressees.

Lurking Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of lurking
(i.e.  at least two weeks of lurking or loss of interest in
answering mail accompanied by at least four additional symptoms of
Lurking including high on-line time balances, walking away from the
computer while logged on, composing posts and deleting them without
sending them, etc.)

Chronic Posting Disorder is characterized by at least 4 weeks of
posting to anewsgroup or listserv more days than not, accompanied by
additional Cyber symptoms such as checking mail several times per
day, posts in which the content is shorter than the message header
or sig, and messages of extreme anxiety when list volume drops.

Posting Disorder not Otherwise Specified is included for coding
disorders with posting features that do not meet the criteria for
Lurking Disorder or Chronic Posting Disorder.

Flaming Disorder is characterized by one or more episodes of
hot-tempered posts, usually posted within seconds of receiving the
'trigger' message, but can be distinguished from the
Flame-With-Apology in that the sender has a sincere belief that
he/she is 100% correct and morally entitled to his/her feelings of
outrage.  Flaming Disorder is often accompanied by Chronic Posting
Disorder.

Flame-With-Apology Disorder is a milder form of the Flaming
Disorder, in which the poster sincerely apologizes for the first
portion of the message and yet sends it anyway.  A variation of
Flame-With-Apology exists in which posters staunchly defend their
position for 3 to 4 days, then abruptly back down and revert to
Chronic Posting or Lurking.

The specifiers described in the third part of the section are
provided to increase diagnostic specificity, create more homogeneous
subgroups, assist in treatment selection, and improve the prediction
of prognosis.  Some of the specifiers describe the current or most
recent episode (i.e.  Pine, Elm, Anonymous, With Humorous Features,
and With Uncomplicated Internet Access).

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

And this one from Mac-L:

Have any of you checked out that invisible "AppleShare PDS" file
since installing System 7.5 Update??  The "Killer Bunny" icon has
been changed to the "Holy Hand Grenade"!!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bumper Stickers!

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas.  Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me ...
    Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
I is a college student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't steal.  The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Cover me.  I'm changing lanes.
The weather is here.  Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad.  Are you really bad?
Smile.  It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh.  Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends don't let friends drive Chevys.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd, and he always finds me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink.  I'll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of
    grass and not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of
    nothing.
I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio.  Already stolen.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion?  Bite a minister.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would
    rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Defend your right to arm bears
Protect the Chocolate Mousse!
Nuke the whales if you love Jesus
Honk if you're stupid
My husband ran off with my best friend and I really miss her
49% bitch, 51% sweetheart. Don't push me.
I'm pro-life-vest, and I boat

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: "Flame" Form ...

Dear,

 [ ] sir    [ ] clueless one    [ ] twit  [ ] great man on campus
 [ ] madam    [ ] dweeb               [ ] twerp          [ ] comrade
 [ ] Elvis         [ ] moon beam     [ ] boor [ ]Obergruppenfuehrer
 [ ] Geek        [ ] grad student    [ ] cur              [ ] Nerd

You are being gently flamed because.

 [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
 [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
 [ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads
 [ ] you posted a piece riddled with strong language
 [ ] you advocated Net censorship
 [ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
 [ ] you posted some sort of garbage that doesn't belong on this list
 [ ] you threatened others with physical harm
 [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
 [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve
 [ ] you've repeatedly shown lack of understanding
 [ ] you are posting an anonymous attack

>>> Thank you for the time you have taken to read this.  Live n' Learn.<<<

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