Collage 048               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Well, Nancy has once aain contributed an entire Collage (all
together, now: "Thank you , Nancy!"), and you can number this
one 48.

So that I can contribute something more than just multiple
"appends" (which I haven't in a while), try this ...

My auto-insurance renewal form just arrived (and, for those of
you who know me: *YES*, the insurance company--whose name will
go unmentioned here--has been stupid enough to renew me for yet
ANOTHER year), and, along with the usual insurance-form stuff,
it contained the following statements:

1. ******** GOOD-DRIVER RATES APPLY ********
(asterisks and all!)

Okay, for those of you who know me, *that* statement should have
you rolling on the floor in hysterics already. Okay ... Hey, alright
already, it wasn't THAT funny! Anyway, it also contained this
statement:

2. FIRST ACCIDENT FORGIVENESS APPLIES. THE FIRST SURCHARGE FOR A
   FUTURE AT-FAULT ACCIDENT WILL BE WAIVED.

Now, ask yourselves (individually, or--if you can mange it--collectively)
WHAT INSURANCE COMPANY WOULD BE DUMB ENOUGH TO STATE SOMETHING LIKE
THIS? Okay, sure, any insurance company that would be dumb enough to
insure someone with more speeding tickets than a slow tachyon--AND
give him good-driver rates to top it off. But you still have to ask
what could motivate a statement like that ... are perhaps the rest
of their insureds that BAD ... ?

Well, I'm happy to say, this has given me an entirely new perspective
on this whole driving thing. Sorta like the state police saying, "You
know, we all think you're such a great guy, we're going to waive your
next speeding ticket."

BTW, they called me at work just before they sent out the renewal to
get the correct address for the lienholder on the car; I told the agent
that the car was paid off a coupla years ago (which it was), and she
said, "Okay, well then we'll just remove them as lienholder."

Hmmm ...

I asked, "Would you like me to send you a copy of the bank's payment
letter?"

"No, that won't be necessary. We'll just take them off your insurance
paperwork."

Well, this happens to be the same company that insures my house. So
now I'm considering another phone call to my agent:

"Hello, Judy? Did I remember to tell you that my house is paid off,
too ... ?"

Okay, on to the funny stuff ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Awesome Quotes

"Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
 your life."
     Brooke Shields, said to demonstrate why she should become
     spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
     Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress,
 especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
     Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
 in the country."
     Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

On Pesticides:
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
 something else anyway."
    Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chordane

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items
 for the police."
    Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export
    of various products abroad

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
    Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator

"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on
 the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games
 in this league, and that's the problem we had today."
     Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost

On  Government Ability to Communicate After Death :
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
 discontinued...Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
 expired on January 1, 1976."
     Illinois Department of Public Aid

On Criticism:
"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
 jackass--and I'm just the one to do it."
     a congressional candidate in Texas

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
     Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MEMBERS AND NON-MEMBERS ONLY
     sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio

Wish--To end all the killing in the world
Hobbies--Hunting and fishing
    from personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed
    on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium

"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men
 and give it to 435 Congressmen!"
      Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio, when he heard that the
 indicted Spiro Agnew was asking to have his corruption case tried by
 the House instead of in a regular court

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this
 century's history....  We all lived in this century.  I didn't live in
 this century."
      Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
  candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion
  about the Holocaust

"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
      John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an
  early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar"

"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in
 the program.  Rotarians, be patriotic!  Learn to shoot yourself."
      from Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
 them unsafe."
      Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
 underpolluted."
     Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining
     why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

On the Little-known Importance of Poultry Inspectors:
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
 penalty for certain violent crimes:  assassinating the President;
 hijackiing an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
     Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal,
 the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment
 of David Steele to the post."
    Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
     baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit
     on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies

  1.  A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES IS BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.

  2.  EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

  3.  CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know whom to blame.

  4.  MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works okay, but looks very hi-tech.

  5.  CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

  6.  PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

  7.  TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

  8.  THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.

  9.  IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

  10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it!  We have enough problems for now.

  11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread responsibility for the screw up

  12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we've already done.

  13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bullshit!

  14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.

  15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

  16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!

  17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.

  18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.

  19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.

  20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Unitarian Universalist jokes

What do you get when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who goes door-to-door looking for a discussion.

-----

A guy saves up for years and can finally afford a Mercedes with all
the options.  He wants to take care of it in every possible way so
he goes to a priest and says, "Father, will you say a blessing over
my Mercedes?" The priest says, "I'm sorry, I don't
understand--what's a Mercedes?"

So he goes to a rabbi.  Same thing:  "I'm sorry--what's a Mercedes?"

So then he goes to a UU minister and says "Would you be willing to
say a blessing over my Mercedes?" and the UU minister says, "I'm
sorry, I don't understand--what's a blessing?"

-----

Three Unitarian-Universalists arrive at the Pearly Gates, much to
their own surprise and that of St.  Peter, who upon checking his
records realizes that these three people have led fully exemplary
lives, they aren't Christian, and Heaven is only for Christians, and
they shouldn't be up here in the first place.

But it's a slow day, and St.  Peter is in a good mood.  So he offers
them a deal:  "I'm going to ask each of you a question, and if you
answer correctly, I'll let you into heaven.  But if you get it
wrong, to Hell with you." They figure this is as good a deal as
they're likely to get, and so Peter asks the first one, "Explain the
meaning of Easter.." The guy scratches his head, and says "Isn't
that where there's a fat guy in a red suit with reindeer, and you
get presents, and-- AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!" as St.  Peter pushes the
big red button and the poor fellow is hurled into the pits of Hell.

So Peter asks the second one the same question.  She looks confused
and then says, "Um, yeah, you've got this bunny hpping around hiding
eggs under bushes, and-- AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!" as Peter hits the
button again and she's cast down to the place of eternal damnation.

The third UU comes up and Peter asks him the same question.  He's
prepared for this, however- he took a Comparative Religions course
through the RE department at his church, and he knows his stuff.
"OK, Jesus was arrested in Gethsemane after Judas betrayed him, he
was hauled before Pilate and sentenced to death, he was crucified on
the Mount of Calvary and buried in a tomb with a rock rolled in
front of the door--" Peter's relaxing, he's going to get to let
someone in today, he's already reaching for the green button-- "and
if he comes out and sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of
winter, but-- AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!"

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage048>