Collage 050               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And so it came to pass that I was listening to the radio ...
Apparently, some college coed (whose name I missed) is planning
to establish a new world record (I say "establish" instead of
"set" because I don't think that this particular record officially
exists just yet), and so get her little name in the Guinness Book
of World Records.

Her plan is simple: she plans to have sex with a record number of
men in ten hours. For this, she has enlisted the--uh--*services*
of 350 men. (Yes, I said *350*--it's not a type-o.) Obviously
being of rocket-scientist calibre, this chick has cleverly
calculated that each man will have 104 seconds in which to, uh,
*participate* in her record. By my calculations, that leaves
approximately 1.2 seconds for the previous guy to *exit* and the
next one to *initiate world-record participation*. (These guys
are hauling some serious a**.)

Of course, the REALLY interesting part is that there will be
female assistants on hand--so to speak--to ensure that each man is
ready to perform when his turn arrives. "Ready to perform?" We're
talking about a line of 350 college-age men, each being asked to
achieve shangri-la (or hit the road) in under two minutes--and they
need "female assistants" to ensure that these guys are "ready to
perform? What, a coupla BEERS wouldn't cut it for this chick?
I get the feeling we're not talking about the campus prize here.
Let's face it--if she had even *average* looks, they'd have MALE
assistants to provide CROWD CONTROL ...

And how did the casting call go out for this? " ... in and out
in under two minutes, foreplay is being handled by female
assistants [OF COURSE that was intended], and snuggling afterward
is right out." I wonder what criteria they used to pare it down
to just 350 ...

Anyway, unconfirmed (and seriously unreliable) sources have
suggested that the event is being co-sponsored by Trojan Condoms
and KY Lubricants. (Thanks, Matt!) Other reports suggest that
this is really just a cover for a condom-failure-rate experiment.

She's planning to do this on April 15th, so she "can do to these
guys what the government does to her" that day. True to her
rocket-science background, she has neglected to note that this
year's tax deadline is April 17th.

So many other comments/questions come to mind (like "less than
two minutes? Heck, John, even *you* could make THAT goal!"), but
I really need to get back to the program, here ...

Thanks are due to Nancy for the "UU" humor, and George gets the
credit for the "Goodyear" piece. And welcome to Collage 50!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: More Internet "sigs" ...

"Where do these people come from?  Is there an agency out there that
reads the Net and says 'Oops, not enough morons on this newsgroup.'
and then assigns some slack-jawed inbred grit-eatin' stooge to gum up
the works?"
    -- Jim Cowling

"I am Pentium of Borg.
Division is futile.
Prepare to be approximated."

"In the Sixties, it was Sex, Drugs, and Rock N' Roll.
Now, it's AIDS, Crack, and Michael Bolton."
What's wrong with this picture??

"I can't come to the phone right now.  At the tone, leave your
name, number, Master Card, Visa, or AMEX account number, and I will
get back to you pending credit approval."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Unitarian Universalist (UU) humour.

Why can't UUs sing very well in choirs?
Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the
next verse.

What's the difference between a Universalist and a Unitarian?

Universalists think God is too good to send them to hell.
Unitarians think they are too good for God to send them to hell.

What do you get if you cross a Seventh-Day Adventist and an agnostic?
Some one who knocks on your door at 8:00 AM on a Saturday and has no
idea why.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs?
A: One's a "Goodyear," and the other's a REALLY REALLY good year!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

We've heard all the reasons why Beer is Better than Women, and
why Cucumbers are Better than Men. Its about time we had

                    BEER vs. CUCUMBERS!

Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers
-----------------------------------------

You can't get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.

Beer bottles don't get sprayed with pesticides

Beer bottles don't shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave
them in the fridge for a month.

Beer is always in season.

Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person
you're looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)

Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Real programmers don't write specs.  Users should consider
themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

Real programmers don't comment their code.  If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to read.

Real programmers don't write application programs, they pro- gram
right down on the bare metal.  Application programming is for feebs
who can't do systems programming.

Real programmers don't eat quiche.  Real programmers don't even know
how to spell quiche.  They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching
Szechwan food.

Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all,
the illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts;
look how much it did for them.

Real programmers don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference is a
hallmark of the novice and the coward.

Real programmers programs never work right the first time.  But if
you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in
only a few 30-hours debugging sessions.

Real programmers don't use Fortran.  Fortran is for wimpy engineers
who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography
weenies.  They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear
reactor simulation.

Real programmers don't use COBOL.  COBOL is for wimpy application
programmers.

Real programmers never work 9 to 5.  If any real programmers are
around at 9 am, it's because they were up all night.

Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no program- mers
write in BASIC, after the age of 12.

Real programmers don't document.  Documentation is for simps who
can't read the listings or the object deck.

Real programmers don't write in Pascal, or Bliss, or Ada, or any of
those pinko computer science languages.  Strong typing is for people
with weak memories.

Real programmers know better than the users what they need.

Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.

Real programmers don't use schedules.  Schedules are for man- ager's
toadies.  Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.

Real programmers think better when playing adventure.

Real programmers don't use PL/I.  PL/I is for insecure momma's boys
who can't choose between COBOL and Fortran.

Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.

Real programmers don't use LISP.  Only effeminate programmers use
more parentheses than actual code.

Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics
who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an
otherwise uncluttered desk.

Real programmers don't like the team programming concept.  Unless,
of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Real programmers have no use for managers.  Managers are a necessary
evil.  Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters,
senior planners and other mental defectives.

Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic.  The decimal point
was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big."

Real programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks.  They prefer
BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts.  Fast
motorcycles are highly regarded.

Real programmers don't believe in schedules.  Planners make up
schedules.  Managers "firm up" schedules.  Frightened coders strive
to meet schedules.  Real programmers ignore schedules.

Real programmers like vending machine popcorn.  Coders pop it in the
microwave oven.  Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.
They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of
popping.

Real programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them
all in every real program.  Puppy architects won't allow execute
instructions to address another execute as the target instruction.
Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.

Real programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work.  If the
vending machine sells it, they eat it.  If the vending machine
doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell
quiche.

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