Collage 052               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, 'net surfers!

No more news on our world-record-seeking heroine, but I'll be
keeping you updated as the news breaks ...

We have a request for a more-or-less complete set of "You Know
You're a Redneck If ..." jokes. So, if you have them already
lying around on your hard disk, please e-mail me so I can include
them in an upcoming Collage.

In the meantime, you've got Collage 52--with thanks to Nancy and
Robert for the "What if People Bought Cars" piece, Karl for the
Jack-and-Martha joke, and Dave for slightly-out-of-season Santa
piece.

Happy reading!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

      WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
-- but imagine if they did . . .

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
            happened!"
HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery
            and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have
            to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

-----

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
            anywhere!"
HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know!?"
HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
            and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:  "It's pointing to 'E.'  What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
            purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
            pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER:  "What!?"  I paid $12,000. for this car!  Now you tell me
            that I have to keep buying more components?  I want a car
            that comes with everything built in!"

-----

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
            pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while,
            and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE:  "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
            What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
            doesn't crash anymore!"

-----

HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
            because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
            power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go places in
            my car!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: How do you make a cat go "woof"?
A: You dip it in gasoline and light a match.

Q: How is a prostitute similar to bungee jumping?
A: You take the plunge, yell "Oh, my God!" and if the rubber breaks,
   you're dead.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

The night before christmas, a family went to sleep when they were
startled awake by an explosion.  They went outside and saw the
outhouse in pieces with Santa in the rubble.  He was shaking his
fist at a sleigh encircling him in the air while he shouted,
"You IDIOTS! I said the SCHMIDT house!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Turns out, Jack and Martha are running a little bit short on cash
these days, so Jack comes up with a plan to increase their cash
flow: he'll take Martha into town a coupla nights a week so she
can make some money hooking.

Well, Martha's a little nervous about this whole deal, but Jack
assures her that he'll be right around the corner if she has any
problems. So, Martha's hangin' on the corner, and up pulls this
big old car, and the driver leans over and asks how much for a screw

"Hmmm ... wait just a moment," replies Martha, and she runs around
the corner and asks Jack how much for a screw.

"Hundred dollars," Jack says. Martha runs back and tells the driver.

"Nah, too much," he says, "how much for a blow job?"

"Wait just a minute," Martha replies, runs back around the corner,
and returns a few seconds later.

"Forty bucks," she tells the driver, and he agrees. So, she gets in
the car, and he unzips his pants and hauls out this 12-inch-long
machine of love.

Martha looks at the monster, gulps, and says "Wait just a minute."
She gets out of the car, runs around the corner and asks Jack,

                 "Can you loan me sixty bucks?"

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