Collage 053               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 53!

Thanks are due to Randi for the Al (D'Amato) piece.  Steve gets the
credit for "Bill Gates Goes to Heaven" (don't worry, it'll never
happen), and Perri makes her debut with the first installment of the
"You Might Be a Redneck If ...  " humor (there's surely more out
there, but this is a start).

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

Well, ol' Howard ain't worth the trouble of pokin' fun at,
and though I am sort of fond of Al, (the fiesty little booger!),
weeeell, he deserves this...

(To the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")

Lemme tell ya a little story 'bout a senator named Al,
Who's always windin' up on the radio somehow,
But then one day he was shootin' from the lip,
And his target was our one and only fave-rave courtroom Nip.-
-ponese, that is.
Funny hair. Custom chair.

Well the next thing you know ol' Al he's on the run,
says he really didn't mean to offend the Rising Sun.
He said, "Hey, c'mon! It was just a great big joke!"
And the Asians in America they all began to choke.
Al, that is.
Conservative dude.
Somewhat rude.

Now the judge in California didn't quite know what to think,
So he decided to ignore the little New York fink,
And with Marsha and F. Lee makin' motions to supress,
Ito did what he does best, callin' a recess!
From work, that is.
Is this a trial?
In a while!

Now the press wasn't happy that ol' Ito kept his cool,
And some they really thought that D'Amato was a fool,
So without any juicy bits to put upon their press,
They dragged out a picture of a guy in a dress.
Lance kicked him out.
He wore pearls and a pout.

Well it's time to bring my little story to an end,
I'd like to thank ya'll for kindly droppin' in.
And if by chance these folks you ever meet,
Imitate a cheetah, and be really, really fleet!
Run, that is.
Very fast.
Very far.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Bill Gates in Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts.  There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with
nothing to do all day.  Food and water were being distributed from
the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked
their way through the crowd.  Booze and drugs were being passed
around.  Fights were commonplace.  Sanitation conditions were
appalling.  All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone
metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him.  The staffer was a young man in his late
teens, face scarred with acne.  He was wearing a blue T-shirt with
the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy.  "My name is
Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask
a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.  "No, I'm not the Archangel
Gabriel.  I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in
a car wreck at the age of 17.  Now give me your name, last name
first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers
on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.
"What's going on here?" asked Bill.  "Why are all these people here?
Where's Saint Peter?  Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records.  Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise.  "It says here that you were the
president of a large software company.  Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head!  When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig.  Only a hundred or so people died every
day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem.  But now
there are over five billion people on earth.  Jesus, when God said
to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that
large a population, ten thousand people die every hour.  Over a
quarter-million people a day.  Do you think Peter can meet them all
personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right.  So Peter had to franchise the operation.  Now,
Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc.  He just sits in
the corporate headquarters and sets policy.  Franchisees like me
handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork
some more, and then continued.  "Your paperwork seems to be in
order.  And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum
job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course.  Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia?  Heaven is a big operation.  You
have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate
form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy
and handed it to Bill.  "Take this down to induction center #23 and
meet up with your occupational orientator.  His name is Abraham."
Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.  "No,
he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to
induction center #23.  He met with Abraham after a mere six- hour
wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham.  "As you've seen, we're still
doing everything on paper.  It takes us a week just to process new
entries."

"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill.  Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake.  Even in
Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.  "Well," Bill
offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance.  "Your job will be
to supervise Heaven's new data processing center.  We're building
the largest computing facility in creation.  Half a million
computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all
running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a
gigabit channel.  Fully fault tolerant.  Fully distributed
processing.  The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement.  "Wow!  What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon.  Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new
data processing center.  It was a truly huge facility, a hundred
times bigger than the Astrodome.  Workmen were crawling all over the
place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.
But the center was dominated by the computers.  Half a million
computers, arranged neatly row- by-row, half a million ....

....  Macintoshes ....

....  all running Claris software!  Not a PC in sight!  Not a single
byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he
had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.
"What about PCs???" he exclaimed.  "What about Windows???  What
about Excel???  What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham.  "If you want to build a data
processing center based on PCs running Windows, then ....

....  GO TO HELL!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: You Might Be A Redneck If ...

You go to your family reunion to meet women.
Your Dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
You think a tube-top is appropriate attire for a wedding.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the opossum that it could be done.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

More sigs:

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a
source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
 -- Gene Spafford

"Only a lowlife asshole would burn the American flag, and everybody
knows it.  But in America, there's no law against being a lowlife
asshole, and I'd like to keep it that way."

"It used to be that no matter where you went there you were.  With
cyberspace, no matter where you are, you can be someplace else."

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