Collage 055               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Well, my previous request for "Redneck" humor has certainly
panned out quite nicely--attached, as Collage 55, is the
more-or-less complete list of 152 "You're Probably a Redneck
If ..." jokes (I can't imagine that there are very many we
missed).

Many thanks to the contributors for this effort:

Smokey (Ft. Bragg, NC),
Perri (Trucksville, PA) (herself a redneck ...), and
Steve (somewhere in cyberspace).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: You're Probably a Redneck If ...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern
Civil War general.
2. Your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that spam on a saltine is an hors d'ouevre.
6. There is a stuffed possum (sic) anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips
before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo."
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal
noises and seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the
shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas
lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since
"Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the
economy size bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as
the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
"Trucking Institute."
28. Your mother keeps a chaw (spit) cup on the ironing board.
29. You think a tube-top is appropriate attire for a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present was a painting on black
velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the
major food groups.
34a. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
34b. You think that Preparation-H is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see
friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they
respond with the same, then they're rednecks too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry
has an opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You go to your family reunion to meet women.
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
sixpack.
49. You go to a Tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show him your belt
buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day-care.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved
road."
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had
to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer
can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sister's name out of the message:
"for a good time call ...," because you suddenly feel guilty
about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you
are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem
to "Georgia on My Mind."
71. You call your boss "Buddy" on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your
dad made it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of
your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a
freebie at the House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the
window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll
wear to the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your
front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this
afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more than your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night
involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and
grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest."
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of
overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack
hanging in your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just
"misunderstood."
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck
and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill
of a baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your
head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole
coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's
barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on
them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal
agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the
only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
102. You have 5 cars that aren't mobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the
parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and
your wife/girl make love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive
him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't
guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the
waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups
than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or
Elvis over your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
115. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front
yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in
Low Places'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow
it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer
Gray are the three primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint
to defend your sister's honor.
121. Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming,
baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and
primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat
tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya
can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a
law against it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound
of a tornado
131. You fish in your above-ground pool (especially if you
catch something!)
132. A sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to
pull up your jeans.
133. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help
take the wheels off
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist
attraction in your home town.
135. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full
tank of gas in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's
"Ladies Night" at the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if
they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton
singing "I Will Always Love You."
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons.' (of
course this is a very sophisticated redneck joke ... if you
laughed, you must be a redneck--only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a
gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the
Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your
Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is one
too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale
moonlight with Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your
education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the
bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into
sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camaro in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your
hair.

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