Collage 057               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And another thing I've heard on the radio recently: apparently,
April is "Child Abuse Month" in Virginia. (I hope they'll be
handing out instruction packets for those of us who don't have kids,
or who've just never tried this popular state pastime.) I'd hate to
be a child in Virginia right about now ... good time to go visit
grandma in Iowa!

So, welcome to Collage 57! Thanks go to Randi for the "Dr. Seuss
Purity Test" (BTW, she refused to discuss her score) (but rumor
has it that Matt scored more than 100), to Mike for the addendum
to the "Redneck" list, to Sue Trowbridge (who isn't a member of
either SpaceNet or HumourNet, but compiles David Letterman trivia
for the Top Ten mailing list) for the Letterman Top Ten, and to
Nancy for the "If Product Warning Labels Were Written By Physicists"
piece.

Whew.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

The Dr. Seuss Purity Test:

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it with a smile?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
__

Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

From the Christmas edition of "You Are a Redneck If ..."

* You give Christmas gifts in the six-pack size.
* You have more deer heads than stockings above the fireplace.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Q: What did Grumpy say to Dopey after the Prince kissed Snow White?
A: "Guess it's back to jerking off ..."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...
TOP TEN THINGS NEW YORKERS LIKE ABOUT SPRING

[Presented by various New Yorkers]

10. "New Yorkers get so happy, they don't know whether to wave or
    give you the finger"

 9. "Crackhouses take down their Christmas lights"

 8. "The hookers in Times Square start advertising their Easter
    specials"

 7. "The streets are filled with adorable baby rats"

 6. "When it gets really hot, my buddy Sirajul and I get naked and
    hose each other off" -Mujibur

 5. "When I wear shorts, the babes mistake me for Rush Limbaugh"

 4. "My hot dogs turn a lovely shade of green"

 3. "Hello warm weather, goodbye pants!"

 2. "The city starts to really, really smell like urine"

 1. "More all-around chafing"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: If Product Warning Labels Were Written By Physicists ...

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece if matter in the
universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a
force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely
proportional to the distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of
85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred
million miles per hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "uncertainty principle," it is
impossible for the consumer to simultaneously know both the precise
location and velocity of this product.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that,
through a process known as "tunneling," this product may
spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at
any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's
domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages
or inconveniences that may result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested
versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles
constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next
four hundred million years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this
merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic
explosion will result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any
manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the
universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is
warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of
the universe.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held
together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known
and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently
guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found
herein, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this product
consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may
technically be entitled to claim that this product is
ten-dimensional. However, the consumer is reminded that this
confers no legal rights above and beyond those applicable to
three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are
"rolled up" into such a small "area" that they cannot be
detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the
consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to
exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons,
protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every
measurable respect as those used in the products of other
manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be
expressed or implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product,
since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity
relative to the user.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe,
including this product, may one day collapse back into an
infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently
re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be
guaranteed.

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