Collage 058               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, HumourNetters! It's been a prolific week here at
Collage Central. Attached is Collage 58, with thanks going out
to:

Nancy: "Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex," "Humor: A Byte at a
Time," and "UU Humor" (Nancy's been busy again!),

--and--

Brett (making his HumourNet debut) for transcribing Letterman's
"Top Ten Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant" (and he should
know :-)

Speaking of bad accounting (and since 'tis the season for it),
you can access TONS of VIRTUALLY USELESS (just kidding) tax info
and other investment/financial planning/etc. stuff FREE at the
BART'S Place BBS. Just point your favorite BBS browser (modem)
at svtp://908.528.2278 ("svtp" stands for "standard voice
telephone protocol"; in other words, dial 908-528-2278).

I'm away next week, so you're all on your own for humor ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter; it's always good

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Humor, a Byte at a Time

   Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

   COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

   Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

   2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

   Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

   Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

   My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

   C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

   C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

   <-------- The information went data way -------->

   Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

   The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

   BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

   The name is Baud......, James Baud.

   BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

   Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

   C:\Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

   Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

   Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename" ?

   As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

   Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

   Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

   E Pluribus Modem

   File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

   Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

   A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

   An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

   CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

   Does fuzzy logic tickle?

   A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

   11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

   24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

   Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

   Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

   SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

   Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

   Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

   RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

   Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

   All computers wait at the same speed.

   DEFINITION: Computer--A device designed to speed and automate errors.

   Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...

   Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

   Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

   Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

   Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

   Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

   ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

   E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

   Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

   All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

   DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

   Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

   Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

   "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Unitarian Universalist Humor ...

A UU family moves into a new neighborhood.  Their little girl finds
a new playmate, and they are happily getting to know each other.
One day, the playmate says, "We're Episcopalians, what are you?"

The UU child thinks for a minute and says, "I'm not sure, but I
think we're League of Women Voters."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Did you hear the one about the philosopher who ordered a
chicken-salad sandwich and an egg-salad sandwich--to see which came
first?

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes
to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain;  they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are
twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Another Letterman Top Ten ...

From the Home Office in Sioux City, Iowa,
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED A BAD ACCOUNTANT:

10.  You hear him on the phone saying, "Have I ever let you down,
Leona?"

 9.  Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS

 8.  His "short form" looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin

 7.  He lets you list your imaginary friend as a dependent

 6.  Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as a charitable
donation

 5.  Used to be a financial big shot in Orange County

 4.  Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.  Simpson's defense
fund

 3.  On the 1040, he lists your occupation as "Sucker"

 2.  At least five times he says "Here's a little trick I taught
Darryl Strawberry"

 1.  Makes you wear a hospital gown

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