Collage 060               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 60!

Quite a bit of Collage material came in while I was away, and I've
skimmed the best stuff off the top for this Collage. Thanks for
the contents of this Collage go to:

Nancy for "American Management Skills," "The Boy and the Frog," and
the "Programmer's Prayer,"

Karl for the "Dog Named Sex" piece,

Dan for "PCs for Guns,"

and Mark for "Skier Humor."

Happy Bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ:  American Management Skills

  Once upon a time a company in Colorado and a Japanese automobile
company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Colorado
River.  Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak
performance.  On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could
be.

    THE JAPANESE WON BY A MILE!!!

  Afterward, the American team became very discouraged by the loss
and their morale sagged.  Corporate Management decided that the
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.  A continuous
"Measurable Improvement Team" was set up to investigate the problem
and to recommend appropriate action.  Their conclusion:

  The problem was that the Japanese team had eight people rowing and
one person steering;  whereby the American team had ONE person
rowing and EIGHT people steering.  The American company steering
committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the
management structure.  After some time and MILLIONS of dollars, the
consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and
not enough were rowing."

  To prevent losing to the Japanese again the next year, the team's
management structure was totally reorganized to include four
EXECUTIVE steering managers, three AREA steering managers, one STAFF
steering manager, and a new performance system for the person rowing
the boat to give more incentive to work harder.  "We must give him
empowerment and enrichment.  That should accomplish our total
quality management goals!"

    THE NEXT YEAR THE JAPANESE WON BY TWO MILES!!!

  Humiliated, the American company laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold the oars, cancelled all capital investment for new
equipment, halted development of a new boat, gave a "High
Performance" award to the consulting firm, then distributed the
money saved, as bonuses to the senior executives.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ:  A Dog Named "Sex"

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy";  I named mine
"Sex." Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.  When I went to
city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to
have a license for Sex.  He said he'd like to have one, too.

Then I said, "but you don't understand, this is a dog." He said he
didn't care what she looked like.  Then I said, "I've had Sex since
I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid!

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and
a special room for Sex.  He said that every room in the place was
for sex.  I said, "you don't understand--Sex keeps me awake at
night." The clerk said, "me, too."

One day, I entered Sex in a dog show, but he ran away just before
the competition began.  Another contestant asked me why I was just
standing around, looking.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in
this show.  He told me I should have sold my own tickets.  "But you
don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He
called me show-off.

When my wife and I separated and went to court to fight for custody
of the dog, I said, "your honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "me, too." Then I told him that I lost Sex after I
was married.  He said, "me, too."

Last night, Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around for
him.  A cop came over and asked, "what are you doing in this alley
at four o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: THE BOY AND THE FROG

A boy was crossing the road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The
boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful Princess, I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.  Finally the frog asked, "What is it?  I've told you I'm
a beautiful Princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
*Anything* you want.  Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.  I don't have time
for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: PCs for Guns

Police in San Francisco are hoping to get kids off the streets and
onto the information superhighway.  A novel exchange program swaps
handguns for computers--specifically, 200 recycled IBM 286 PCs
complete with software and, in some cases, modems.  The equipment
was donated by the Computer Recycling Center in Mountain View,
Calif. (Miami Herald 4/20/95 A11)

Editor's Note: Oh, great. Now we'll REALLY have to step up
'Net security!  - VS

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Programmer's Prayer

Our Program who art in Memory,
Hello be Thy Name. Thy Operating
System come, Thy Commands be done,
at the Printer as it is on the Screen.
Give us this day our daily Data and
forgive us our I/O Errors, as we forgive
those whose Logic Circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into frustration and de-
liver us from Power Surges. For Thine
is the Algorithm, the Application, and
the Solution, looping forever and ever.
Return.

           - by: St. $ilicon

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Skier Humor

1) If Hell freezes over, I'll ski there

2) Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a snowboarder?
   A: The way the dirtbag is attached.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

More Internet Sigs:

"Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas"

"Recursion: If you got the point, Stop, else see Recursion.
Infinite Recursion: See Infinite Recursion"

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?"

"Talent recognizes genius. Mediocrity never sees anything greater
than itself."

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