Collage 061               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, 'Net surfers, and welcome to Collage 61!

Thanks for this Collage are doled out to:

Thomas for the "Female-to-English Dictionary"
Lorraine for the "Baked-Beans" piece
Deborah for the "Ode to Steve"
Nancy for "More Viruses"

A coupla notes here: the "More Viruses" piece is an addendum to the
more-or-less complete set of viruses included in Collage 20. And the
"Ode to Steve" was not really a HumourNet submission, nor is Deborah
a list member--see the piece for a brief explanation.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Female-to-English Dictionary

She says                               English
---------                              -------
You want                               You want
We need                                I want
It's your decision                     The correct decision should be
                                                 obvious by now
Do what you want                       You'll pay for this later
We need to talk                        I need to complain
Sure...go ahead                        I don't want you to.
I'm not upset                          Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly                      You need a shave and you sweat
                                                  a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight.    Is sex all you ever think
                                                  about?
I'm not emotional!  And I'm not        I'm on my period.
     overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights.      I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient.       I want a new house.
I want new curtains                    and carpeting, furniture,
                                                  wallpaper...
Hang the picture there                 No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise                        I noticed you were almost
                                                  asleep.
Do you love me?                        I'm going to ask for something
                                                  expensive.
How much do you love me?               I did something today you're
                                             really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute.             Kick off your shoes and find a
                                                  good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat?                        Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate.      Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!?              [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes                                    No
No                                     No
Maybe                                  No
I'm sorry.                             You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe?               It's easy to fix, so you'd
                                             better get get used to it.
I'm not yelling!                       Yes I am yelling because I
                                             think this is important.

            In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
            -----------------------------------------
The same old thing.                    Nothing.
Nothing.                               Everything.
Everything.                            My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really.                       It's just that you're such an
                                                 asshole.
I don't want to talk about it.         Go away, I'm still building up
                                            evidence against you.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Beans Beans Beans

Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for
them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment
shortly after eating them. The reaction of his body to the beans
was swift and terrible to behold.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more
embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He
decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked
beans. A short time later they were married.

Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke
down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car
and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and
decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for
supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans
overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that
he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he
knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he
left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill,
and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the
frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt
reasonably safe.

Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling
inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just
outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw
open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the
most wonderful surprise dinner for you." She blindfolded him and led
him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to
remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to
peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his
weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but
as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took
his napkin and began to fan the air about him. He just started
feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg
and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he
started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just
about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge. He
shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the
prize-winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook
and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he
continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each
time with his napkin. When the sounds of farewells indicated the
end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his
lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was
the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.

Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.
After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold,
revealing twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his
surprise birthday party!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

[Editor's Preface: Deborah was a guest of a friend (a friend of a
guest?) at a holiday dinner recently, and "Steve" (the subject
of the poem) was another guest. Steve, however, has remarkably
bad manners (to put it mildly), and left such an impression on
Deborah that she felt compelled to compose this poem and e-mail
it to me. And since we've all run across at least one "Steve"
somewhere along the line, I figured we could all get some enter-
tainment out of it. And, with that said, heeeeeeere's STEVE ...
</vs>]

SUBJ: "Ode to Steve"--A Poem, by Deborah

I arrive a little late, let's not make a fuss
Coming into Jersey, I shoulda rode da bus
Yo folks, what a lovely holiday dinner
I haven't eaten and I'm gettin' thinner
I finish my shrimp cocktail before most people are seated
And working through the antipasto which I alone depleted
Ummmm.. that turkey leg looks good to me
I dribble on plates belonging to Scotty
No need to slow myself down with silverware
In love and meal times all is fair
These fresh strawberries look rather delicious
And when eaten with hands, all the more nutritious
Time for farewells--I'm a finger lickin'
Just be glad it's not my nose I'm a pickin'

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: More Viruses

Peace Corps virus: Toughest virus you'll ever love.

Al Gore virus: Undistinguishable from the directory tree.

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

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