Collage 062               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Sorry for the delay ...  Lots of stuff has been coming in, I just
haven't been able to keep up with it.  If you've sent me something
recently, and it isn't in this Collage, don't panic--I've still
got it, and you'll be seeing it soon (I hope).

So, without further delay, here's Collage 62, with thanks to:

Debbie for the "Why I Fired My Secretary" piece (very cute!),
Mike for the "Meeting Tech" piece, and
Lorraine for the "Library Memo" and "Top 10 Signs You're an
    Internet Geek" contributions.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Why I Fired My Secretary

   I woke up early feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and
I thought, "I'm another yar older," but decided not to dwell on it.
So I showered and I shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my
wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear."
   All smiles, I went into breakfast, and there sat my wife reading
the newspaper as usual.  She didn't say one word.  So I got myself a
cup of coffee and thought, "O well, she forgot.  The kids will be
down in a few minutes, they will sing 'Happy Birthday' nd have a
nice gift for me.
   There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.  Finally the kids
came into the kitchen yelling, "Give me a slice of toast!  I'm late!
Where's my coat?  I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed
than ever, I left for the ofice.
   When I walked in, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful, "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could
get me some coffee.  Her remembering my birthday made me feel a
whole lot better.
   Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and
said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?"
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea."
   So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said,
"Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country,
instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and
went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and
a nice lunch.  We started driving back to town when my secretary
said, "Why don't we go by my place, and I will fix you another
martini?" It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to
do in the office.  So we went to her apartment, and she fixed some
martinis.
   After a while, she said, "If you'll excuse me, I think I will
slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.  In a
few minutes, she opened her bedroom door nd came out carrying a big
birthday cake.  Following her were my wife and all my kids.  And
there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Meeting Tech

  Bill Gates (Microsoft), Andy Grove (Intel), and Jerry Sanders
(AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting.  During the serious,
tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where
Bill is sitting.
  Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper.  Gentlemen, excuse me,
I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to
his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie.  After
completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
  Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system.
I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into
the end of my tie.  That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
  The others nod, and the meeting continues.
  Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy
starts beeping.  He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.
Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps
his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.
  When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him
and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system.  But
my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone
is actually embedded in this fake tooth.  Isn't that neat?"
  The others nod, and the meeting continues.
  Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry
emits a thunderous fart.  He looks up at the others staring at him
and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper...  I'm receiving a
fax."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Library Memo

To:   All employees
From: Management
RE:   Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom
under information guidelines.  Effective March 1, 1995, a Restroom
Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method
of accounting for each employee's restroom time.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for
each employee.  The first day of each month, employees will be given
a Restroom Trip Credit of 20.  Restroom Trip Credits can be
accumulated from month to month.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped
with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice
recognition devices.  Before January 31, each employee must provide
two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to
Management.  The voice print recognition will be in operation, but
not connected to restrooms until the end of the month.  Employees
should acquaint themselves with these stations during that period.

If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors
to the restroom will not unlock for that employee's voice until the
first of the month.  In addition, any restroom stalls that are
occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound.  Thirty
seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract, the
toilet will flush and the stall door will open.  If the stall still
remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the wall in the main office.
This is being done to eliminate dilly-dallying in the restrooms.
Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be
terminated.

If you have any questions about the RTP, please ask your supervisor.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK

 (10) When filling out your driver's license application
      you give your IP address.
 (9)  You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign
      is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
 (8)  Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
      e-mail.
 (7)  You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
 (6)  You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"
      them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to
      make sure they're listening to you.
 (5)  You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every
      silly free T-shirt contest.
 (4)  You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and
      refer to your children as "client applications."
 (3)  At social functions you introduce your husband as
      "my domain server."
 (2)  After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt
      out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parenthesis!"

 .....And the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:

 (1)  Two words: "Pizza's here."

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage062>