Collage 063               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

In response to the "Female-to-English" dictionary, may I present
you with the attached news bulletin: "Men and Women Are NOT Alike!"
In the interest of true equal opportunity, this is is provided as
a single Collage (#63), with no distractions from other sources
of embedded humour. Many thanks to Lorraine for the contribution!

In related news, rumor has it that a group of rogue women is
currently working on a "Male-to-English" dictionary. This should
be interesting ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

NEWS BULLETIN--Men and Women Are NOT Alike!

Sure, you thought you already knew that.  But now we have proof!  After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these
facts have emerged:

Relationships:
   First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship--
   he refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
   semi-regular basis."  When a relationship ends, a woman will cry
   and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem
   titled "All Men Are Idiots."  Then she will get on with her life.
   A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
   break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
   "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never
   forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore.  But I want
   you to know there's always a chance for us."  This is known as the
   "'I Hate You/I Love You' Drunken Phone Call."  99% of all men have
   placed at least one such call.  There are community colleges that
   offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
   rarely prove effective.

Sex:
   Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30 - 45
   seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as
   part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
   Women mature much faster then men.  Most 17-year-old females can
   function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading
   baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This
   is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:
   Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:
   Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
   television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
   Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
   uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
   favourite stooge.  The women will roll their eyes and groan and
   wait it out.

Handwriting:
   To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
   chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, coloured stationery and they
   dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously
   large loops in their "p's" and "g's."  It is a royal pain to read a
   note from a woman.  Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
   smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
   A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom--a toothbrush,
   toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
   from the Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in a typical
   woman's bathroom is 437.  A man would not be able to identify most
   of these items.

Magazines:
   Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
   magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because
   the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is
   hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

-----
Editor's Note #1: Agreed on all points. Remember this, however, when
we get to "Editor's Note #2."  - VS
-----

Groceries:
   A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
   and buys these things.  A man waits until the only items left in
   his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green.  Then he
   goes grocery shopping.  He buys everything that looks good.  By the
   time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter
   than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this
   will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Cats:
   Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
   looking, men kick cats.

Jewelery:
   Women look nice when they wear jewelery.  A man can get away with
   wearing one ring, and that's it.  Any more than that and he will
   look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:
   When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
   complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes.
   The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
   Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator
   glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes
   shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
   Men see the telephone as a communications tool.  They use the
   telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman can
   visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
   will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:
   Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on
   television.  One of the fighters is felled by a low blow.  The
   woman says, "Oh, gee.  That must hurt."  The man doubles over and
   actually feels pain.

Admitting Mistakes:
   Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last man who
   admitted he was wrong was General George Armstrong Custer.

Richard Gere (see also--Patrick Swayze):
   Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.  Men
   hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
   works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:
   A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist
   appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
   favourite foods and secret dreams.  A man is vaguely aware of some
   short people living in the house.

Dressing up:
   A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
   garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.  A man
   will dress up for the following:  weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:
   Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
   This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
   produced by a 'man.'  The only actor who has appeared nude in the
   movies is Richard Gere.  This is another reason why men hate him.

-----
Editor's Note #2: ... and I quote, "This is because the female body
is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy
and should not be seen by the light of day." I rest my case.  - VS
-----

David Letterman:
   Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on Earth.  Women
   think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Politics:
   Men love to talk politics, but often forget to do political things
   such as voting.  Women are very happy that another generation of
   Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will
   be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:
   In the locker room, men talk about three things:  money, football,
   and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
   nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
   about women.  Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex.
   And not in abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and
   technical, and THEY NEVER LIE!

Laundry:
   Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
   article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
   hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry.  When he
   is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
   inside-out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
   laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
   laundromat.  This is a myth.

Toys:
   Little girls love to play with toys.  Then, when they reach the age
   of 11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their
   obsession with toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become
   more expensive and impractical.  Examples of men's toys:  little
   miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders,
   graphic equalisers, small robots that serve cocktails on command,
   video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six
   "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:
   A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation.
   The man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five days later to
   an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

Nicknames:
   With the exception of female bodybuilders who call each other names
   like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of
   nicknames.  If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together
   for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and
   Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a beer, they
   will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
   Peanut Brain, and Useless.

Moustaches:
   Some men look good with moustaches.  Those men are Tom Selleck and
   Burt Reynolds.  There are no women who look good with moustaches.

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