Collage 064               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 64! Many thanks go to this edition's sole
contributor, Lorraine.

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Why the Internet is Like a Penis:

* It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but it
  makes it hard to get any real work done.

* In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit
  information considered vital to the survival of the species.
  Some people still think that's the only thing it should be
  used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the
  time.

* It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own
  devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did
  before.

* It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some
  people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it
  as a lark.  Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person
  you're dealing with until it's too late.

* If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it
  can spread viruses.

* It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you
  use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more
  difficult to think coherently.

* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its
  actual size and influence warrant.

* If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in
  big trouble.

* It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your
  intentions, it will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask
  yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

* Some folks have it, some don't.

* Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut
  off.  They think that those who don't have it are somehow
  inferior.  They think it gives them power.  They are wrong.

* Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but
  think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
  about it.  Still, many of those who don't have it would like
  to try it.

* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
  Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't
  have work to do.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK

10.  When filling out your driver's license application
      you give your IP address.
 9.  You no longer ask a prospective date what her sign
      is--instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
 8.  Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
      e-mail.
 7.  You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
 6.  You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger"
      them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to
      make sure they're listening to you.
 5.  You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every
      silly free T-shirt contest.
 4.  You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and
      refer to your children as "client applications."
 3.  At social functions you introduce your husband as
      "my domain server."
 2.  After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt
      out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parenthesis!"

 .....And the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:

 1.  Two words: "Pizza's here."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: One-Day Stress Diet

Breakfast:                         Lunch:
  1/2 half Grapefruit                4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
  1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, dry     1 c. Steamed Spinach
  3 oz. Skim Milk                    1 cup Herb Tea
                                     1 Oreo cookie
Mid-afternoon Snack                Dinner:
  Rest of the Oreos in package       2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
  2 pt. Rocky Road Ice Cream         Large Sausage, Mushroom,
  1 jar Hot Fudge Sauce                      and Cheese Pizza
  Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream      3 Milky Way Candy Bars

Late Evening Snack:
  Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from the Freezer!

Bon Appetit!

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ:  Making New Friends

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop.  When the
bus arrives and the doors open she tries to climb the steps.  To no
avail, her skirt is too tight and her legs can't move, so she
reaches behind her and undoes her zip.

She tries to step up again, and still can't, so she reaches behind
again and plays with the zipper.  She tries to climb the steps
again...still no joy.  So As she's reaching behind again, a pair of
strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?", she asks the guy behind her.

"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least
good friends!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Honk If You Love Jesus

The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw
a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker.  I bought it and put it on
the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did.  What an
uplifting experience followed.  I was stopped at the light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice
that the light had changed.  That bumper sticker really worked!  I
found lots of people who love Jesus.  Why, the guy behind me started
to honk like crazy.  Hey must REALLY love the lord because pretty
soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud
as he could.  It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO
JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned
out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could
hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving
in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

  I asked my two kids what that meant.  They kind of squirmed,
looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian
good luck sign.  So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good
luck sign back.  Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped
out of his car and yelled something.  I couldn't hear him very well,
but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there."
Maybe he was from Florida, too.  He must really love the lord.  A
couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and were walking toward me.  I bet they
wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed,
and stepped on the gas.  And a good thing I did, because I was the
only driver to get across the intersection.  I looked back at them
standing there.  I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile
and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.  Praise
the Lord for such wonderful folks.

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