Collage 065               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Hello, again, HumourNetters (and SpaceNetters)! This edition is
Collage 65, with (hopefully) no repeated material. (Okay, Matt,
you were right: the "Internet Geek" piece--which originally
appeared in Collage 62--was repeated in Collage 64.) (I think
that "Collage-Watching" will surely be a demonstration event in
the upcoming Olympic Games ...)

In any event, thanks and kudos to Matt for the "Joe-Bob" piece
(a *must* read!) and to Lorraine for the new draft of Genesis
(God tries to create the world using a 3090?).

These are two really good pieces ... Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: MICROSOFT UNVEILS NEW JOE-BOB(tm) SOFTWARE
by Andrew Burke (ABurke@eworld.com)

REDMOND, Wash. -- April 10, 1995 --  Microsoft today announced the
release of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes
will open up a huge untapped computer market. With the motto "The
software for the rest of y'all(tm)," Joe-Bob reaches out to the same
demographic group that buys 4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks
Miller Lite.

"Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,"
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, "but we've recently
seen people like Newt Gingrich embracing new technology -- the time
is right for the rest of America to get wired!"

Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in
a garage. "Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music
library in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to
the Internet's hottest gifs," the promotional materials explain.

The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does
have software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best
roadhouses between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs
and beer at the click of a mouse.

"This is righteous software, man," says beta-tester Billy Grugg. "It
thinks like I think." Brad Cunningham agrees: "I take it everywhere,"
he says, pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his
pickup truck. Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on
beer holder for their monitors.

"Look at what's popular out there," says Microsoft Chairman Bill
Gates.

"Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter
video games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. We're just
catering to a demand, that's all."

Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like "Joe-Bob: Make Your Disk Hard," "Go Microsoft -- Go Intel
-- Go America," and "QuickTime is for Pinko Hippie Wimps."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Subj: Genesis, Chapter 1, Release 2.0

#In the beginning was the computer. And God said
:Let there be light!
#You have not signed on yet.
:God.
#Enter user password.
:Omniscient.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Omnipotent.
#Password Incorrect. Try again!
:Technocrat.
#And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again!
:Create light.
#Done.
:Run heaven and earth.
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of the water and
#Unrecognizable command! Try again!
:Create firmament.
#Done.
:Run firmament.
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in string specification! Try again.
:Create dryland.
#Done!
:Run dryland.
#And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night.
#Unspecified type. Try again!
:Create sunmoonstars.
#And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54:00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish.
#Done.
:Create fowl.
#Done.
:Run fish'nfowl.
#And God created the great seamonsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after
its kind. 0 errors.
#And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle.
#Done.
:Create creepy things.
#Done.
:Now let us make man in our image.
#Unspecified type! Try again.
:Create man.
#Done.
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over of the fowl of the
air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
#Too many command operands! Try again.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden.
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Gard.En.
#Done.
:Move man to Gard.En.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man.
#Illegal parameters. Try again!
:Insert man into woman.
#O.K.
:Run multiplication.
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire.
#Done.
:Run multiplication.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill.
#Done.
:Run freewill.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire.
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help!
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create Treeofknowledge.
#And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En.
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good'nevil.
#Done.
:Activate evil.
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En.
#1 errors.
:Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again!
:Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman.
#Search failed.
:Delete shame.
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
:Destroy freewill.
#Freewill an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
:Stop!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS ATTENTION ALL USERS:  COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.  PLEASE SIGN
OFF.
:Create new world.
#You have exceeded your allotted file space.  You must destroy old
files before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth.
#Destroy earth. Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed.
#COMPUTER DOWN. COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY,
MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW!
#And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.
#And God saw that he had zero funds remaining.

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