Collage 066               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

And another Collage (#66) contributed entirely by Lorraine.
(Thanks!) Well, with a minor assist from my failing memory
on the Jesus-Goes-Golfing piece ...

Happy bytes!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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Spellbound
by Janet Minor

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your pleased too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A very old man, hunched over, using two canes, feet splayed out,
walked painfully into an ice cream parlor.

Waitress:  Can I help you sir?

Old Man:  I'd like a hot fudge sundae.

Waitress:  Chrushed nuts?

Old Man:  Arthritis.

-----

This is a wilder version my grandfather told me, back in the '40s:
A little boy dressed in a cowboy outfit ordered a hot fudge sunday;
the waitress said, "Do you want crushed nuts?" And the little boy
pulled his toy guns from their holsters, pointed them at the
waitress and said, "Do you want your boobs shot off?" I always think
of this joke when I see a nice pair of ...  well, when I see a nice
pair of pistols.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Three guys were standing at the top of a the Empire State Building
in NYC.

The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are
so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the
building a literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of
the thermal air current."

"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first. So
the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats
out in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of
the building.

The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he
steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like
a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement
below--SPLAT!

The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to
the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you
can be a real asshole!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Taken from a 6th-grade science report:

"People with diabetes must take insulin everyday with a needle.
Some people need multiple erections everyday for diabetes. Most
people with diabetes learn to give themselves erections."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A long time ago the Norse Gods decided to have an ORGY. I mean
one heck of a party!  So they got some mortal women, a 100 kegs of
mead (beer) and got together on Mt. Olympus. They reveled into the
night and on into the morning. At day break only a few were left
standing. As one mortal woman walked down a street she approached a
God who bellowed out, "I'm Thor!"  To which she replied, "Thore,
heck, I can hardly walk."

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right
now I'm so far behind I will never die.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Jesus Christ (JC), Moses, and a gnarly old man are playing golf.

JC tees up, and hits the ball. It heads for the water hazard, but
being JC's ball, it hits the top of the water and just rolls along on
top of it, then it lands on the fairway.

Moses tees up next. His ball heads for the water as well, but seeing
as it's his ball, the water parts, it rolls along the bottom of the
hazard and onto the fairway.

The gnarly old man tees up and hits the ball. It hooks immediately
into the trees. Suddenly a squirrel, thinking the golf ball is a large
nut, grabs it up into its mouth and runs onto the fairway. As it runs
across, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel in its beak and
flies away. As the eagle is approaching the green it is struck by a
bolt of lightning and drops the squirrel. When the squirrel hits the
ground, the ball  is dislodged from its mouth, and it starts to
roll ... directly into the hole.

JC looks at the gnarly old man and says "nice shot, Dad."

-----

Okay, here's another version:

Jesus and Peter (the Saint, that is) decide to go golfing. Peter
has always been jealous of Jesus, so he's very competitive. And, in
the spirit of competition, Peter shows up wearing a brand-new golf
outfit, brand-new golf shoes, and a brand-new golf bag with--of
course-- brand-new golf clubs. He opens a new package of golf
balls, and removes a brand-new tee from the pocket of his brand-new
golf bag.

He looks at the hole--a 350-yarder--and selects his brand-new driver
from the bag. He tees up his new golf ball, takes a couple of
practice swings, and whacks a beautifully long, straight 300-yard
drive. The ball comes to rest right on the edge of the apron.
Peter confidently steps off the tee.

JC, on the other hand, is wearing a loin cloth, no shoes, and has a
bent stick and a rock. He drops the rock on the ground, and whacks
it with the stick;  it pops into the air several feet, and rolls off
the edge of the tee. Just before it comes to rest, a squirrel runs
up, grabs the rock, stuffs it in its mouth, and takes off down the
fairway. Suddenly, a hawk swoops down and grabs the squirrel,
causing him to drop the rock just at the edge of the green. A
chipmunk comes out of nowhere, picks up the rock, and drops it about
halfway across the green. A mouse scurries across the green and
nudges the rock several times, until it is balanced just at the edge
of the cup.

And there the rock sits, right on the edge of the hole. Then the
ground starts to rumble, and the rock shakes a couple of times and
then falls into the cup.

St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play *golf*, or
are you gonna screw around?"

- VS

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

A man was fishing off his boat when it suddenly began to sink. One of
his shipmates threw him a life jacket, but this man, being deeply
religious said "I don't need that, God will save me!"

So there he was floating in the water when another boat came along to
pick him up but he said "I don't need your help, God will save me!"

He's floating for a while longer until a helicopter flies up. They
drop him a rope, but he refuses, saying "God will save me!"

Finally the man drowns. As he is entering heaven, he sees God
standing there and he laments "Lord, I am a good Christian, I go to
church every week, why didn't you save me?"

God looked at him and said "Look, I gave you a life jacket, I sent a
boat and I sent a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

These two ladies were fishing partners. They often fished together.
One of the ladies was much more successful and invariably would
catch more fish from her side of the boat. Finally the other
lady asked for her secret. She responded, "Before I get out of bed
I look under the covers at my husband's "thing"--if it is laying
over to the left I fish off the left side of the boat. If it is
laying to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."  Her
partner then asked "What if it is standing straight up?"  To which
she replied, "I don't go fishing that day!!!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Here's a quick Irish joke.  It seems Pat is on his death bed and is
visited by his good friend, Mike.  Pat says, "It's a favor I would
ask of you me friend." "And what would that be?" Mike answered.
"After I die and am buried, would you please pour a fifth of good
Irish whiskey over me grave as a remembrance of our friendship?"
"And surely I will," said Mike, "But would you mind if I passed it
over me kidneys first?"

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