Collage 067               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Welcome to Collage 67 ...

Thanks goes to Lorraine (again!) for the lion's share of this one
(I contributed the skydiving jokes--wow).

Enjoy!

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Visually-Impaired Humour

One of my favorites is about a blind man and his seeing eye dog
waiting to cross a busy street.  The seeing eye dog cocked its leg
and pissed on the blind man's leg.  The blind man reached in his
pocket and took out a dog treat and started offering it to the dog.

"Wait a minute!" said a person who saw the whole thing happening, "I
just can't stand here and watch you reward that dog for pissing on
your leg!"

"I'm not rewarding him," said the blind man, "I'm using the treat to
find his head, so I can kick him in the ass!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: MORE Visually-Impaired Humour

Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: Scares the hell outta the dogs.

Q: How does a blind skydiver know when to "pull" [the ripcord]?
A: When the leash goes slack.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

Two race track horses on a break and resting in their stalls:

Horse 1:  "This is a piss poor life!  My hoofs are really sore from
all this damn running!  If they don't give me some decent pads to go
with those damn racing shoes, I don't know what I'll do!"

Horse 2:  "I know what I'm going to do, I'll tell 'em right out, if
you want me to run for you I'll have to see some changes around this
track!"

Just then a dog enters the stable:  "Hi there, horses, who's going
to win the big race today?" And horse number 1 said, "Well Jesus
Christ!  Would you look at that!  A talking dog!"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: Verbal Bloopers

I. SPEECH GOOFS

 "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
                  --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

 "This is a great day for France!"
           --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

 "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy
 to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I
 bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any
 of that.'"
         --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

 "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan.
 We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...
 setbacks."
                                           --George Bush

 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
 democracy. But that could change."
                                           --Dan Quayle

 "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in
 the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
 is right here."
                             --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How
 true that is."
                     --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

 "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of
 Baltimore--that is, Maryland."
                  --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

 "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There
 are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
                               --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

 "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is
 what drives me."
                                           --George Bush

 "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced
 that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going
 without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something
 about the unemployed."
                                          --Ronald Reagan

 "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia
 forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
             --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio
               broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

 "Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same
 distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
 where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
 means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
                                          --Dan Quayle

 "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're
 going to succeed."
                                          --Ronald Reagan

 AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES:
 Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
 Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his
	any time.

II. FOREIGN GOOFS

 "Bite the wax tadpole."
           -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

 "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave."
       -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated
	into Chinese

 "I am a jelly doughnut"
       --English translation of John F. Kennedy
         speaking at the Berlin Wall

 "We pray for MacArthur's erection."
      --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was
      considering a run for President

 "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
      --from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

 "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant."
     --Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

III. MISCELLANEOUS

 "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest
 to that."
                  --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

 "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has
 been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
      --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for
        McGovern in 1972

 "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a
 huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like
 to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused."
      --correction printed in The Daily Californian

 "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it
 rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a
 terrible thing for the Padres!"
             --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

 "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the
 floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got
 your balls in your hands?"
             --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to
               her audience

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