Collage 068               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

This one came across the electronic desktop today, and I just
*had* to send it out immediately. The piece is written by
Scott Adams, the cartoonist who writes the "Dilbert" strip.

Many many many thanks to Lorraine (yes, Lorraine, you're the
best thing since bacon and eggs) for the contribution.

Happy reading ...

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
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"Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s"
by Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com)

I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans--that sort of person.  But a growing
number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.
Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who
spends most of his time with his computer.  He's a nice guy but not
exactly Kevin Costner.

Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated.  And he
stays home.  These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain
the incredible sex appeal.  So what's the attraction?

I think it's a Darwinian thing.  We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive.  In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a
single blow to the forehead.

But that skill is becoming less important every year.

Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card
without having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to
a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support.

It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people,
each with its own evolutionary destiny:

      Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
      non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those
      who work in tech support).

      Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but
      secretly use hand calculators to add totals in their Excel
      spreadsheets.  This group will gravitate toward jobs as high
      school principals and operators of pet crematoriums.
      Eventually they will become extinct.

      Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and
      fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which
evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want
to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics.  You
want a real man.  You want a knowledgeable computer user with
evolution potential.

And women prefer men who listen.  Computer users are excellent
listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything.  Granted, early in a relationship it's
better if the guy actually talks.  But men use up all the stories
they'll ever have after six months.  If a woman marries a guy who's
in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in
the seventh month and lasting forever.  Marry an engineer and she
gets a great listener for the next 70 years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate
with somebody who has an indoor hobby.  Outdoorsy men are applying
suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still
look like dried chili peppers in pants.  Compare that with the
healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video
screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers.  I
know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a
woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many
times.  I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to
admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far.

If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their
hair.  They tend to have either:  (1) male pattern baldness--a sign
of elevated testosterone--or (2) unkempt jungle hair--the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.
If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong
circumstantial evidence alone.

I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there.  They'll delight in
pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and
suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the
problem.  That's okay.  Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung
at tourists.  Then who'll be laughing?  (Answer to rhetorical
question:  everybody but the tourists.)

Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.  And Bill
Clinton said that knowledge is power.  Therefore, logically,
according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the
ultimate aphrodisiac.  You could argue with me--I'm just a
cartoonist--but it's hard to argue with the government.  Remember,
they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must
know a thing or two about satisfying women.

You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use
computers are sexy.  But look at it from my point of view:  I'm
getting paid by the word for this article.  I'm not done yet.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own
a hot car.  But women wised up and realized it was better to buy
their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust
manhood.  Men know that unless they get a digital line to the
Internet no woman is going to look at them twice.

It's getting worse.  Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web
will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless.  And
nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe
Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her.  And if you think
that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go.

Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.  Nothing looks sexier
than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA
monitor.  If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario,
then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how
to use the computer.  Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser
sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive.
It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

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