Collage 070               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

It's final-exam time for many of the list members, and Collage 70
contains some timely final-exam humor. Many thanks to Matt for the
"Battle Hymn of Term Finals" and to James for providing a copy of
"The Final Exam." (But didn't anyone tell you, James, that we need
the *answers*, too?)

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
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"Battle Hymn of Term Finals"
(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
        Failure and humiliation,
        Failure, failure, academia,
        The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
        Failure and humiliation,
        Failure, failure, academia,
        The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
        Failure and humiliation,
        Failure, failure, academia,
        The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
        Failure and humiliation,
        Failure, failure, academia,
        The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
        Failure, and humilation,
        Failure, failure, academia,
        The truth was finally known.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: The Final Exam

Please use a #2 pencil and fill in all questions completely.

INSTRUCTIONS
  Read each question thoroughly.  Answer all questions.
  Time limit--four hours.  Begin immediately.

HISTORY
 Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to
 the present day, concentrate specially but not exclu-
 sively, on the social, political, economic, religious,
 and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and
 Africa.  Be brief, concise and specific.

LITERATURE
 Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life
 in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot,
 Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx Bro-
 thers.  Critique your poem with a full discussion of its
 metrics.

MUSIC
 Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate it and perform it
 with flute and drum.  You will find a piano under your
 seat.

LOGIC
 Using accepted methodology prove the following:  That
 the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that
 there is not a little person who turns off the light
 in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that
 you are the person taking this exam.  Now disprove all
 of the above.  Be specific; show all work.

PHILOSOPHY
 Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
 significance.  Compare with the development of any other
 kind of thought.

MEDICINE
 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
 gauze, and a bottle of Scotch.  Remove your own appendix.
 Do not suture until your work has been inspected.  Your
 have fifteen minutes.

BIOLOGY
 Create life.  Estimate the differences in subsequent hu-
 man culture if this form of life had developed five hun-
 dred years earlier, with special attention to the pro-
 bable effects on the English Parliamentary system.  Prove
 your thesis.

PSYCHOLOGY
 Employing principles from the major schools of psycho-
 analytical thought, successfully subject yourself to
 analysis.  Make appropriate personality changes, bill
 yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms.  Now
 do the same to the person seated to your immediate left.

SOCIOLOGY
 Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany
 the end of the world.  Show how boy meets girl theory
 developed.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.

ECONOMICS
 Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national
 debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in the
 following areas:  Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the
 wave theory of light.  Outline a method from all points
 of view.  Point out deficiencies in your point of view
 as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

COMPUTER SCIENCE
 Define a computer.  Define Science.  How do they relate?
 Why?  Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all com-
 puter decisions.  Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 ter-
 minals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design
 the communications interface and all the necessary con-
 trol programs.

PUBLIC-SPEAKING
 2,500 riot crazed students are storming the classroom.
 Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except
 Latin or Greek.

PHYSICS
 Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an
 evaluation of the impact of the development of mathe-
 matics on science.

AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE
 Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super
 high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat.  Describe
 its chemical and physical properties and estimate its im-
 pact on world food supplies.  Construct a model for dea
 dealing with worldwide surpluses.  Write your Nobel Prize
 acceptance speech.

COMPREHENSION
 Three minute time test.  Read everything before doing any-
 thing.  Put your name in the upper right hand corner of
 this page.  Circle the word name in sentence three.  Sign
 your name under the title of this paper, after the title
 write "yes, yes, yes,."  Put an X in the lower left hand
 corner of this paper.  Draw a triangle around the X you
 just put down.  On the back of this paper multiply
 703x668.  Loudly call out your name when you get to this
 point.  If you think you have followed directions care-
 fully to this point call out "I have."  Punch three small
 holes in the top of this paper.  If you are the first per-o
 son to get this far, call out "I am the first person to
 this point, I am leading in following directions."  On
 the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850.  Put a
 circle around your answer and put a square around the
 circle.  Now that you have finished reading carefully,
 do only sentence two.

POLITICAL SCIENCE
 There is a red telephone on the desk behind you.  Start
 World War III.  Report at length on its socio-political
 effects, if any.

EXTRA CREDIT
 Give today's date--in metric.

CHEMISTRY
 Beginning with Schrodinger's equation, derive all
 physical and chemical properties of water.  Discuss
 why it is the "universal solvent" and its role in
 all physico-biological processes.  You may not ap-
 proximate in your derivations.

GEOGRAPHY
 On the unmarked world map on the next page, correctly
 sketch in and label all the world's rivers that an-
 nually discharge over 4.3x10^10 metric tons of silt.

PHARMACEUTICAL SCIENCE
 Compare and contrast the chemistry and side-effects of
 every leading brand of analgesic with those of Kings
 Soopers brand aspirin.  Give all relevant data and
 graphs.

ENGLISH
 Trace back to proto-Indo-European the etymologies of
 every English word containing "sk".  Give all pos-
 sible cognates in German, Spanish, Czech, Illyrian,
 and Sanskrit.

SPANISH
 Translate Homer's _Odyssey_, Plato's _Republic_, and
 John Irving's _The_World_According_to_Garp_ into Old
 Spanish.  Discuss in full all ambiguities that arise
 from the cultural barriers in humor and idioms between
 the two languages.

LATIN
 Translate the works of Shakespeare into Ig-pa Atin-la
 and provide a comprehensive pronunciation guide.  You
 are required to preserve all rhyming schemes and met-
 rical devices.

GEOLOGY
 Describe the complete 4.5 billion-year geological his-
 tory of North America.  Be sure to include effects due
 to volcanism, erosion, meteoritic impacts, strip-mining,
 and prairie dogs.

ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING
 Design a gamma ray relay system for intercontinental
 communications.  Discuss all possible design and imple-
 mentation problems and a systematic method for testing
 the system.

MATHEMATICS
 Restricted to just one sheet of paper, a pencil, and
 basic arithmetic, you are to calculate the values of
 the first twenty Mersenne primes containing the digits
 in David Lee Roth's telephone number.  Show all work.

MOLECULAR BIOLOGY
 Using the molecular model kit underneath your desk,
 construct a complete model of a human epithelial cell.
 Demonstrate all cellular processes with your model,
 including anaerobic glycolysis, protein production,
 and mitosis.  You may not collaborate with your neigh-
 bors.

GENETIC ENGINEERING
 Using all accepted methods of genetic engineering, out-
 line the procedure for developing a hybridoma that will
 produce peanut butter.  Do it.  Note:  You will flunk if
 you should happen to develop an incurable disease.

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