Collage 071               H u m o u r N e t                    1995

Well, I missed one of the final-exam pieces that was submitted
recently, so I put together another Collage (#71) to ensure it
gets to your electronic desktops before the season is over.

Many thanks to Lorraine for "Signs That Exams Are Upon Us" and
"DOS Poetry" (ugh!), and to Geoff for the "Application to Live In
Cecil County." If you're a SpaceNetter (you know who you are)
(well, *most* of you do), the "Application" is a repeat.

To really appreciate the "Application," you probably need to be
familiar with Cecil County--suffice it to say that most CC residents
answered "Yes" to more than 95% of the "You Might Be A Redneck If"
questions in Collage 55.

- Vince Sabio
  HumourNet Moderator
  HumourNet@telephonet.com
____________________________________________________________________
          Opener (above) Copyright 1995 by Vincent Sabio
  Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage";
  please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message.
____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Signs That Exams Are Upon Us

1) You can't stop dreaming during {French}.  (Enter dreaded subject
here)

2) Your roomate is wearing tights and a viking helmet and storming
the TV Room.

3) The corner drug store has substituted condoms with No-Doz on
Shelf #1.

4) You finally started to understand your Engineering Prof's
accent.

5) Your walkman batteries are dead.

6) Your hair is clenched.

7) Your dorm gives a class called "Caffeine: Friend or Foe?"

8) You find the ID you lost in October.

9) Philosophy makes perfect sense.

10) You consider using physics and trig to improve sex.

11) All the numbers are worn off your calculator buttons.

12) You fall asleep standing up...realize you're falling...and
calculate your:
     a) angular velocity
     b) estimated time of impact
     c) Force exerted on your skull at impact
     d) Exact tangential velocity with corrections for relativistic
	effects

13) Cops start charging students with "Driving while Brain-Dead"

14) You wear sox on your hands so you can "consult with Lambchop &
Floppsie during conversations.

15) You unconciously mutter "I got Wapner at 4 ... definitely"

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

SUBJ: DOS Poetry?
(WHO Could POSSIBLY Be Inspired To Write DOS Poetry?)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand:  it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion?  Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]=======================

                    Application to Live in Cecil County

 Name:__________________________ Nickname:___________________________

 CB Handle:_____________________

 Address (RFD No.):_________________--_______________________________

 Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):________________________________

 Mamma:_________________________

 Neck Shade:     _____Light Red       _____Medium Red       _____Dark Red

 Number of teeth exposed in full grin:       Upper_____     Lower_____

 Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________

 Truck equipped with:
 ____Gun Rack            ____4-Wheel Drive       ____Confederate Flag
 ____Cassette Deck       ____Load of Wood        ____Hijacker Shocks
 ____Radar Detector      ____Mag Wheels          ____Dual CB Antennas
 ____Spittoon            ____Campter Top         ____Air Horns
 ____Mud Flaps           ____Toothpick Holder    ____Mud-Grip Tires
 ____Raccoon Hide        ____Big Dog

 Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____

 BUMPER STICKERS:
 ____Eat more Possum             ____My other car is a piece of shit too
 ____Honk if you love Jesus      ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit
 ____Redman Chewing Tobacco      ____Wave if you're horny

 Define the following (must be 90% correct):

 1. Grits        6. Sawmill Gravy        11. Cobbler     16. Tater
 2. Goobers      7. Turnip Salad         12. Fatback     17. Pig Skins
 3. Pinto Beans  8. Shit-on-a-Shingle    13. Tote        18. Okrie
 4. Collards     9. Redeye Gravy         14. Chickin' Fry19. Shonuf
 5. Sidemeat     10. Soppin' Syrup       15. Poke        20. Chitlins

 Favorite Vocalist:

 ____Reba McEntire       ____Conway Twitty       ____Loretta Lynn
 ____Hank Williams Jr.   ____Randy Travis        ____Ray Wylie Hubbard
 ____Tammy Wynette       ____Slim Whitman        ____Porter Wagoner
 ____Willie Nelson       ____George Jones        ____Box Car Willie

 Favorite Recreation:

 ____Square Dancin'      ____Possum Huntin'      ____Skinny Dippin'
 ____Craw Daddin'        ____Gospel Singin'      ____4-Wheelin'
 ____Drankin'            ____Spittin' Backy      ____Bill Chip Throwin'
 ____Honky Tonkin'       ____Noodlin'            ____Other

 Name of Son(s):   ____Bubba   ____Jim Bob    ____LeeRoy   ____J.D.

 Name of Daughter(s):  ___PammySue  ___Violet  ___Paulette  ___Daisy

 Weapons Owned:

 ___Deer Rifle   ___Sawed-Off Shotgun  ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin
 ___Tire Iron    ___Power Chain Saw    ___Pick Handle  ___Hick'ry Switch

 Number of Dogs:____    Type:    ___Blue Tick    ___Beagle
                                 ___Black & Tan  ___Bird Dawg

 Cap Emblem:     ___John Deer    ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser
                 ___Vo-Tech      ___Skoal                ___Coors
                 ___NAPA         ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear

 Number of Dependents:    Legal:________         Claimed:_________

 Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________

 Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________

 Memberships:

 ___KKK          ___NRA          ___Moose        ___PTL Club
 ___Bass Club    ___VFW          ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion
 ___United Sons'Daughters of the Confederacy     ___AA
 ___John Birch Society

 Length of Right leg:________            Length of Left leg:__________

 Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of
 Primer Red?  ___Yes    ___No

 How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______

 How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________

 Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________

 Do you own any shoes?   ____Yes    ____No    If yes, how many?__________

 What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________

 Are you married to any of the following:

 ____Sister      ____Cousin      ____Sow

 Do you know her name?________________

 Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________

 Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?________

 Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________

 If so, why?__________________________________________________________

 Can you count:  Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________
                 To 21 with your fly up?_____________________

 Do you know any words that have more than four letters?______________

 Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?______________________

 Medical Information:

 Do you have at least two of the following:

 ___BO           ___Crabs        ___Head Lice    ___Rabies
 ___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose   ___Bad Breath   ___Chafing

 IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY CECIL COUNTY, YOU MAY BE
 ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS OR OKLAHOMA. THEIR STANDARDS ARE
 SLIGHTLY LOWER; HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT ELKTON.

********************************************************************
 Anyone Without a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us.
********************************************************************

"HumourNet" is brought to you by Lyris -- an innovative new e-mail
list server from The Walter Shelby Group, Ltd. For more information
on Lyris, see <http://www.lyris.com/>.

To subscribe to the "HumourNet" mailing list, send the following
command to <lyris@lyris.net>:

subscribe HumourNet your_name, your_city, your_state or country

where "your_name" is your real name, etc. If you run into problems,
then either (1) send any message to <HumourNet-info@lyris.net> for
a more detailed set of instructions, (2) subscribe via Lyris's Web
interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>, or (3) send a *detailed*
description of the problem to <Listmom@telephonet.com>.

To unsubscribe, visit our Web interface at <http://www.lyris.net/>
or refer to your Welcome message for detailed instructions.

For instructions on contributing to HumourNet, send any message to
<contribution-guidelines@lyris.net>.

>>> Note: Attributions in Collage openers are to the contributors,
not necessarily the authors. Authors' credits are included in the
text wherever possible. <<<

The HumourNet archives can be accessed via the Web and FTP:

    Web: <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
    FTP: <ftp://ftp.humournet.com/pub/HumourNet/Collage.Archives/>

Permission is granted to forward or post this Collage, provided that
1) the message is forwarded/posted in its ENTIRETY, from the line
containing the Collage number and date to the end of this trailer,
and 2) no fee is charged.

There are "relaxed" forwarding/posting guidelines available; for a
copy of them, send any message to <posting-guidelines@lyris.net>, or
refer to your Welcome message.

********************************************************************
    "HumourNet" is a trademark of HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
********************************************************************
</collage071>